New journeys and new beginnings

Well, shit.  

Back to the drawing board.

My family(except my dad) decided rather than let me live in and rent grandma's until I can buy it they want it sold and done with.  Thank goodness I wasn't completely moved in when they said that, now I just have to put what I did move into storage.  Unfortunately, that also means that my living situation isn't going to improve until my divorce is final, heaven knows when that will be.  Until then, I will have no peace at home.  Now I also have to help set up for an estate sale to sell the things the family didn't want to keep because I refuse to make my dad do it by himself, everyone else is either busy, unwilling, or lives too far away.

My older dog isn't doing well. I think it may be time to let her go and it breaks my heart.  She is the very first puppy I ever had and imagining coming home and not hearing her howl when I walk up the steps is tearing me apart.

On the positive side, my new therapist is amazing, school is going well, and work is okay. I have also started exercising again; hopefully being more active will help my energy levels.

I'm just so exhausted in every way: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Thanks for reading.

You hear it constantly, "Slow and steady wins the race" and "Don't be in such a hurry".  I get it, there is a time for speed and a time to take things slowly.  In today's world, we focus on getting the task at hand finished as quickly as possible so that we can move on to the next rather than taking our time.  Unfortunately, this mentality seems to affect how we tackle our own personal growth and healing as well, or at least that's how I am.  

I have made some positive progress.  I have gotten more done at Grandma's old house and begun slowly moving my stuff over as I have time.  I finally found that rare being: a therapist who is lifestyle-friendly and takes my insurance.  They are in the city, which is a 90min drive one way, but I can cluster my other appointments (or appointments I have to take family to) on the same day to make it more affordable or they do telehealth, so I can stay home if the roads are bad and not miss my appointment.  School has started again and I finished the first quarter's class with a 95.7%, even with everything I have going on in my personal life.  

I still struggle to give myself grace and do self-care, my sleep is still fairly erratic, and I can't go out where there will be a large group of strangers because of my social anxiety.  These are things that I have to continue to work on, but I am doing it.  

Hopefully things get taken care of before the of the year.

It's my birthday. There, I said it.  I'm a whole year older.  Yay me!

For as long as I can remember it's been treated as just another day, and even if plans were made they always ended up cancelled or forgotten.  I get it, life happens.  In the grand scheme of things I am not that important, and I know it.  It's like Spock says "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one".  Sometimes it still hurts though.

That could be why I threw myself into work harder than normal this week, even agreeing to stay late Saturday morning to help out.  I'd rather spend my time helping others sitting at home with my thoughts anyway.  

I need to get out of this funk.  Does anyone want to share a favorite birthday tradition or memory?

    As I struggle to get my life in order I look at others who seem to be able to make it work in awe.  I wonder if I will ever be that organized, and settled.  I feel like I'm running on a treadmill, moving forward but not getting anywhere.  I know that I am making progress (super slow but progress) in school, life, and finding my way in the lifestyle.  I understand it takes time and patience, after all, Rome wasn't built in a day, but geez...

    I continue to get random messages just wanting the dirty talk or instant submission and I politely respond, because that is how I was raised.  Worse than that is thinking that I have made a friend and opening up only to be ghosted, it reinforces the feelings that I am not good enough.  I realize communication goes both ways, and I do reach out to check on people but if I don't get a response I won't make myself a bother.

  I still put the needs of others above my own, putting my projects on the back burner until I freak myself out and race at the last minute to complete something.  I think part of that is a procrastination measure and part is avoiding doing things that I find unpleasant, like hurting/disappointing someone or a bothersome chore or homework assignment. I can't stand the idea of hurting someone, even if not risking that and standing up for myself makes me miserable.  I hate fighting and saying hurtful things so much that I just clam up and quietly walk away.

   I have made most of my appointments, except for one.  I had no idea that finding a lifestyle-friendly therapist was so difficult.  I had to stop going to my last therapist because I didn't feel that any progress was being made, mostly because I felt that I couldn't talk about lifestyle-related things without judgment, and that ties into everything right now.  While HIPAA is a thing this is a small town and I would run into her at the grocery store and didn't want to see judgment on her face.  It's been over a month since my last session and I feel the difference.  Trying to do any of this with depression and social anxiety is a real beast.

    Until I get my life on a more even keel I will keep reminding myself to give me some grace, that progress is progress, that I can make it through this, and that I am capable and worthy of having a good life.  I may have to write it on my mirrors so I can always see it, maybe put it on neon paper signs around the house so I can't miss them.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening.

Today classes began again for my Master's Degree program, I am going for my Family Nurse Practitioner.  I had hoped to have other aspects of my life evened out so that I could concentrate on school and work, learn more about lifestyle, and take better care of myself. Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans.  Some of it is my fault and some couldn't be helped.   I shouldn't have let things get to me, I shouldn't have worked so many extra shifts (work is currently my peaceful, safe space, which is bad considering I work in an ER), and I shouldn't have let things build up and not asked for help because I felt I would be a bother.

Mental health is important, and mine hasn't been great lately.  Going through anything while having depression and anxiety is hard, and it seems like this year has been rougher than most.  The loss of my grandma, dealing with my separation and impending divorce, family health issues(as the medical professional in the family they all come to me for help), and other big life changes have really rocked my world.  I have been at or near my breaking point more times than I can count this year, and it's only September.

Today, I am working on changing things for the better.  I am making the appointments that I've been putting off.  I'm working on this week's assignments for school and reading my current lifestyle book as a break from the school stuff.  I am trying to make a schedule for my housework that will enable me to keep up and not get overwhelmed with too much stuff in one day, and an easy meal plan that will help me pre-pack lunches for work.  

They say you aren't given what you can't handle and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I'd like to punch whomever "they" are right in the mouth....

As I am sitting here at work, enjoying some rare downtime, I have read a chapter in my current book "The New Bottoming Book" and am reflecting on how it pertains to me.  The chapter was on fantasy versus reality when it comes to play.  I am by nature a realist and a hopeful pessimist, which means that I understand that nothing real is perfect and that I hope for the best while being prepared for (and sometimes expecting) the worst.  I already know that nothing in reality will measure up to fantasy, and I am more than ok with that. 

The thing that hit me the hardest in the chapter was reading the author's reminder that people aren't perfect and that we should accept those imperfections with some grace because the person who doesn't look like your ideal could have a lot to offer.  They included looking at our own perceived imperfections and inability to match our fantasy selves and reminded the reader to be accepting of our own imperfections as well.  That last part is what really struck me, it brought to mind the old saying "You are your own worst critic".  Unfortunately, this is something that I really need to work on.  A lifetime of being treated as less-than and having my appearance criticized has left its' mark and I have a very difficult time accepting that anyone sees something worthwhile in me.  My primary response when someone complements me has always been "Thank you, but I'm nothing special, I'm just me" because that's what I see, just...me.

Maybe I need to start being more forgiving toward myself and more accepting when others see something good in me.  After all, if I can see the good in others instead of focusing on imperfections, why shouldn't I do it for myself. 

All my life I have had a love of music. 

From playing trumpet in the marching band and singing in the choir, to belting out with the radio or drunk karaoke, music has had a huge part in my life.  I can almost always find something to either reflect my mood or lift my spirits when I'm down.  Today is the first day that I haven't been able to use music to lift my mood. 

I'm packing my grandmother's books and things that are going to be donated to different charities.  I know that I have to do this because I'm moving into the house and I can't live in a shrine, nor would she want me to. She'd tell me that it's just stuff and get rid of it, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

Shes been gone almost 6 months and the house and my heart feel so hollow without her here.

My question is what do you listen to to boost your mood? 

Yesterday I took a much needed girls day with my bestie, her mom, sister, and my goddaughter, they are my bonus family I get to call them mom and sis too.  Oh my lord I forgot how much trouble we can get into when we are together.  We went to the county fair and rodeo in the next town over.   Almost everything we said or did could have a dirty meaning.  I haven't laughed that hard in forever.  The guy I got my hoodie from was so funny, he made me blush a couple of times, and we made him blush many times.  I love when we can make a grown man, who was giving as good as he got, blush a bright red.  The best part though was when we got called out by the guy that was making the 2 foot long corndogs.   We were joking about them sending suggestive photos to their guys with the fried twinkie and fried snickers we'd gotten and when I was showing bestie to act like she was licking the end the guy popped out and said "If you're going to do that at least get the giant corndog!" We all died laughing, bestie's mom turned super red.  

Sometimes you just need a day out with your girls to remind you the fun person that you used to be and can be again. 

As I sit here and reflect on recent personal events I realize that I have as much to unlearn as I have to learn.  Some of the things that I have to unlearn are recent, while others have been there for what feels like my entire life, and I will need to address each of them to reach my goals. 

Some of my earliest memories were people telling me "Don't talk about your problems, nobody wants to hear them" or "quit bothering people", so now I have a hard time opening up and communicating if I have a problem or asking for help. 

The need to be independent and be able to stand on one's own two feet was instilled from a young age being told "figure it out for yourself" was often heard, no one explained that it's ok to ask for help if you have tried everything and failed or if you truly need it. 

The wounds and scars run deep, but I know if I want to grow both as a person and a submissive I need to deal with them.  Acknowledging that need is my first step in working to my goals to become a better me.

As I have been going through all of this self discovery I have found a few things that I need to work on trust (both trusting others and myself), and communication.   I am working on trusting myself more so that I can trust others, because how can I trust others (or expect them to be able to trust me) if I can't trust myself?  Trust is a scary thing, because it leaves one vulnerable as trusting someone lowers those eprotective walls that we all have.  I am also working on my communication, not fearing repercussions from speaking up or asking a question.