As I struggle to get my life in order I look at others who seem to be able to make it work in awe. I wonder if I will ever be that organized, and settled. I feel like I'm running on a treadmill, moving forward but not getting anywhere. I know that I am making progress (super slow but progress) in school, life, and finding my way in the lifestyle. I understand it takes time and patience, after all, Rome wasn't built in a day, but geez...
I continue to get random messages just wanting the dirty talk or instant submission and I politely respond, because that is how I was raised. Worse than that is thinking that I have made a friend and opening up only to be ghosted, it reinforces the feelings that I am not good enough. I realize communication goes both ways, and I do reach out to check on people but if I don't get a response I won't make myself a bother.
I still put the needs of others above my own, putting my projects on the back burner until I freak myself out and race at the last minute to complete something. I think part of that is a procrastination measure and part is avoiding doing things that I find unpleasant, like hurting/disappointing someone or a bothersome chore or homework assignment. I can't stand the idea of hurting someone, even if not risking that and standing up for myself makes me miserable. I hate fighting and saying hurtful things so much that I just clam up and quietly walk away.
I have made most of my appointments, except for one. I had no idea that finding a lifestyle-friendly therapist was so difficult. I had to stop going to my last therapist because I didn't feel that any progress was being made, mostly because I felt that I couldn't talk about lifestyle-related things without judgment, and that ties into everything right now. While HIPAA is a thing this is a small town and I would run into her at the grocery store and didn't want to see judgment on her face. It's been over a month since my last session and I feel the difference. Trying to do any of this with depression and social anxiety is a real beast.
Until I get my life on a more even keel I will keep reminding myself to give me some grace, that progress is progress, that I can make it through this, and that I am capable and worthy of having a good life. I may have to write it on my mirrors so I can always see it, maybe put it on neon paper signs around the house so I can't miss them.
If you made it this far, thank you for listening.
