Back in the day, I had a wonderful and thoughtful Master. He was creative, imaginative, curious, caring, intelligent and a bit of a sadist. I loved being owned by him. He loved pushing my boundaries and I loved submitting to Him and stretching my boundaries- he literally paid attention to every single detail of a scene and me. I was well cared for but it was a secret secondary part of my life. It wasn’t something I could surrender to 100% because I had a life, a career and children to raise as a single parent. My reality was incongruous with the life I wanted to live. I ended up moving from the area, relocating to a different state and eventually getting married to a very nice but extremely vanilla man.
I have mentioned my proclivities with my spouse and they were met with little to no interest on his part - sex isn’t terrible but it is boring and eventually I lost interest in sex as women of a certain age have a tendency to do and I would rather not have sex than have bad sex.
My husband fucks like he is like a teenager - lots of hard, fast, sweaty pounding and completely unsatisfying. I told him it was me and the physiological changes my body has been going through - which was mostly true. Sex just stopped appealing to me - I stopped masturbating and fantasizing - just not interested at all which is tragic if you knew what a slutty, whore I once was!
Which brings me to the present day. Four months ago, I started bioidentical hormone therapy. It took awhile to kick in but when it did … oh my mother fucking god! Maybe they gave me too much?!? I feel like a bitch in heat. I am ridiculously horny all of the fucking time - to the point that it is distracting but also, I really enjoy feeling this way. I get myself off at least twice a day. My husband is very excited to see me this way. I came out and told what I need sexually (something I have never done because I was worried about what he would think of me). Also, I don’t want to top from the bottom - i tried explaining this to my husband and he has sort of tried - we have cuffs and a collar. The first night he put that collar on me, I was instantly wet and let him know how much I loved it but he has not brought it out again. Same with the nipple clamps, the sensory mitt or any of the other toys he bought. These were used once and then cast aside. I started to realize the last several times we fucked, he would put cuffs on me and then fuck me like he has always done 😥 one of the other things he does is he likes to roughly finger bang my pussy until I squirt - he won’t commit to using his entire hand and it hurts where the rest of his hand stops. It isn’t horrible but it definitely shouldn’t be an opening move if I am not turned on - because when I am turned on, I want him to shove his entire fist in me - but that would freak him out.
Clearly not everyone can be a Dom. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to. I am a literal freak - blow jobs at will - love anal - I am excellent at cock worshipping. I am mostly obedient and love to be spanked and am down for almost any kink - I don’t want to give up the hormone therapy because I really love the way I feel but don’t know what else to do -
This is a journal entry mostly for me - shouting out into the void and gazing into the abyss but if someone reads this and has any advice, I would appreciate hearing from you
