Questions and no answers

When things are tough all I want is comfort. And that’s not easy for me to admit. I want to be held close and allowed to just cry until I fall in to exhausted sleep. And long the way be taken care of, have my tears and nose wiped, offered water. 

But as always I’m left in my own to deal with the fallout of other people’s behavior alone. So here I am again using this as an outlet to release a little of the building pressure. 

Oh well. 

Thank you for a place to get these things out to people who can understand how hard it can be to 

Contemplating all the what if’s of everything…

What if I do this?

What if I don’t do that?

What if I’m not brave enough and miss out?

What if I push too hard or even worse not hard enough?

Healing from trauma is an on going process and when you are in a safer environment you don’t know what to do. It feels like what I imagine ‘normal’ people have always felt. I want to connect with another person but I am also terrified to do it. Although I am so much better than I was recent experiences have made me scared of getting hurt again, believing false promises and being let down again. 

I am amazed at the normalcy of it. 

I know this has been disjointed but it is what it is. 
Welcome to my circus. 
Thank you for sticking around. ☺️

I know we all have different versions of ourselves that we present based on the situation. I get that. I do it myself. 
But here in this place and with the people here I am my truest self. 
How can you ever expect to find any kind of partner with a mask in place? No matter how many masks you layer on they will get pealed away and the truth will be revealed. 

Here’s the thing I have been working really hard to shed all of those layers that have been placed on me by others because it is not who/ what I am. I refuse to put them back on. I am more, I am worth more, I deserve more and I absolutely refuse to accept to go back to that. If I’m not comfortable with it I’m not going there. I have to be able to live with the emotional turmoil that follows, you don’t. 
I am no longer a mother to a grown ass piece of shit.
I am no longer just a paycheck. 
I am no longer just a maid. 
I am no longer a warm wet hole for a cock.

I am no longer a yo-yo to be toyed with. 

Why is it so hard for people to just be honest about who they are and what they want??? 
It’s those of us who hoped and believed you that get hurt. We are the ones left questioning our worth, questioning if we are the problem by wanting more. We are the ones questioning if we should just walk away from it all.   

No I’m not looking for anything!!!!!!

I use my blogs frequently as a place to get my thoughts and feelings out. People like to ask or talk about what you are doing to celebrate your birthday. It’s just another day like the day before and the day after. I’m surprised when people even remember. The past and especially the last 11 years taught me a lot of things that are reinforced on a regular basis like I could ever forget where I belong. Once you’re free you think you can be finally be yourself and happy. You hope all the things you have dreamed about can be achieved but the truth is…. Life will always make sure you don’t forget what you really are, where you really belong and your worth to others. 

But here’s the thing I refuse to accept less than I KNOW I am worth I don’t give a damn what life says. 

You would think by now I would know better. But I’m too stubborn and stupid to give up hope. Maybe one day I will grow up and not be as naive. Maybe one day I will stop hoping. Maybe one day I will let this dream go. Unfortunately, today is not that day but it is a day I just want to say throw my hands up and say fuck it. Since I know that’s not going to happen today. PAUSE it is. 

I need you to take control in that calm, authoritative way you have. It speaks to my need for gentleness and the need to melt into my submission. 
Make me submit. 
Make me acknowledge my desires. 
Make me walk outside of my comfort zone. 
Make me do all the things I secretly want to do but can’t do on my own. 
Make me your Princess. 
Make me your Babygirl. 
Make me your Slutty fucktoy. 
Make me your Slave. 
Make me YOURS. 

You creep up behind me as I’m busy washing dishes. You wrap you arms around me, holding my close to you and you have me tits in your hands squeezing them hard. I lean my head back in your shoulder and you lean down putting your head in the crook to start teasing me with your warm breaths, licks, kisses and bites. I push my ass back against you finding your cock hard and I grind my ass into your cock. You whisper in my ear to grip the edge of the sink and bend at the waist. “Yes, Daddy” Then you shift out of the way so I can get into position. You raise my dress above my ass. 
‘Such a good slut for Daddy not wearing any panties,’ you tell me as you are rubbing and squeezing my ass roughly. Then you land 10 hard seats on my bare ass alternating sides with each swat. Making me raise on my toes with each. 

When you are done you rub in the sting and squeeze randomly. ‘Thank you Daddy.’

‘Such a good girl for Daddy.’

You know how much I love your praise.

’Thank you Daddy’

I hear you undo your pants. ‘Ok, baby girl. Daddy is going to fuck you hard and fast. Then I’m going to cum in your sweet little pussy. You will NOT cum. Do you understand me young lady?’

As I listen to want you are telling me, I start moaning because I love when Daddy uses me as his little fuck toy and wiggle my ass for you. 
this earns me 3 more quick, hard swats. 
‘You know better than to tease Daddy.’

’I’m sorry Daddy’

I feel you step up behind me. You run the head of your cock through my wetness. ‘Daddy’s little slut is always ready for Daddy aren’t you?’

‘Yes Daddy.’ Then you slam your cock into me hard, fast and balls deep. Making me cry out. You don’t give me time to adjust to your big cock stretching me, you start pounding into my pussy, taking exactly what you want. 
You feel my pussy clenching your cock trying to milk your cum out of you. 
‘My little slut likes this don’t you?’ Never losing pace  

’Yes Daddy’

’My little slut wants to cum don’t she?’ You slow your pace but start thrusting harder and deeper each time. 
‘Yes Daddy’

But you’re going to be a good girl and not cum aren’t you? Even as I fill your pussy with my cum, ain’t the right?’

’Yes Daddy’ 

Then I feel your cock throbbing inside me as you start cumming. I feel each spurt of cum shoot from your cock, filling my pussy and starting to leak out of me and into my thighs. All the while you keep plunging in to me until you are done. By the time you are done with me I’m on my tiptoes, with my legs shaking and clenching all my muscles to keep from cumming. 
When you pull out your cum starts running down my legs. ‘You look amazing with my cum dripping out of my pussy.’

’Thank you Daddy.’

You put my dress back in place. Pat my ass gently. 
‘Now, get back to your chores. Don’t clean up. I want you to think about how I just used my fuck toy,’

’Yes Daddy. Thank you Daddy.’

You turn and go back to your tasks while I get back to the dishes. 

My mind has been bouncing around several things lately. 

I crave to have a Dominant to submit too. To explore and push my boundaries. Let’s discover how deeply my submission goes. To guide me to my true self. 

I need the softer, sweeter Daddy aspects but I also crave that ‘hard ass’ Master to lead me to the depths of my heart’s desire. To mold me into the submissive I am to become. 

Although, I want this more than almost anything, it is not something I can give to just anyone. I need real, open and honest. I need communication and openness that flows freely between the two of us. I need effort and consistency. 

I know things happen and can disrupt things from time to time but I am talking about overall effort and consistency. You can’t flip the script and expect me not to adjust accordingly. 

My past makes picking up on subtle changes easily and this impacts me greatly. I am a single mom and for the last year I lived in a situation where I had very minimal help with anything. I have never really had anybody I could consistently depend on to be there for me. So it will take work and I know it will be hard for me as well. I may seem wishy washy but it is extremely difficult to accept happy, good, healthy and safe. 

Can you see past these flaws and complications to take us both where we want to be? Can you be my Daddy and my Master? Will you fill the empty place inside that can only be filled by my submission? 

I’m still waiting for you to find me… who are you?

You are my Daddy. The one who enjoys my needing and wanting a lot of affection. The one who accepts all of me just as I am. The one who understands I am damaged but I work tirelessly to be better than I was yesterday, learn from the past without living there and remain optimistic for the future. The one who accepts my sweet, silly little side and can also accept my darker desires. The who can be both Daddy and Master. The one I can hand the reigns over to at the end of the day. 

Please find me, Daddy.

My brain is working overtime spinning on this. While I’ve never experienced it I want to so badly…

You have stripped me naked. Slowly and with great care you put leather cuffs on each of my wrists and then restrained them spread apart above my head. You check in with me asking if I’m ok. Yes Sir

You tease me with light touches up and down my arms and torso, front and back. Taking care not to touch my nipples even thought they are hard points begging for attention. You step behind me and give 5 moderately hard smacks on each side of my ass. As the sting and warmth settle in I moan in pleasure as my pussy starts throbbing and my wetness starts to coat my upper thighs. 

You run your hands up and down my legs. Your fingers get close enough to my pussy for you to feel my wetness but not touching me where I want. I try to wriggle so you touch but you sternly tell me to Be still and land several more seats to one cheek. Then you apply cuffs around my ankles exactly like you did my wrists. Then you proceed to restrain my legs spread apart, so you have full access to every part of my body to do as you please. You check in again. I’m great Sir  excited and apprehensive about all the things you might choose to do to me. 

you pick up a soft flogger. You start with easy stokes to warm me up and make me squirm and beg for more. You start all over my back, make your way to the front never stopping your gentle assault making sure to land several in each breast and the drag the strands gently across my nipples, you criss cross strikes along my belly and hips. 

Then you apply nipples clamps and pick up a different flogger. This was one has thicker strands with little knots. This time you start on my front, crisscrossing your strikes all over me, each strike getting a little harder. This time you pay extra attention to my breasts and nipples. You continue this torture until I’m begging you to let me cum. You start landing some particularly hard strikes on my breasts and nipples and order me to cum. I let go and as I start to cum you pull the clamps off one at a time making me cum even harder. 

To be continued….