Questions and no answers

Questions are all I have at the moment.

I just need to get them out of my head, like most things I write about here.

Picking up subtle changes in a person’s mood or behavior has served me well over the years in navigating the mine fields I found myself in, but what do you do when you can’t turn that off. When you know something is different but you can’t quite put your finger on it. You know behavior has changed but it can be easily explained by other things than what your gut is telling you. You have spent so much of your life ignoring your instincts it is hard to break the habit even though you know you can trust them. 

How do you find the courage to keep poking at something because you’re not satisfied with the answer? I’m not talking about you didn’t get the answer you wanted but the response felt more like a brush off.

Why do I feel like I am more of an afterthought? Is this just what happens now?

Is there a timeframe of when that changes and I missed the memo? 
Or maybe I just want too much? 

The more I learn the more I want to experience. I can’t seem to get past certain points and things just seem to go poof. 
I can’t seem to find the balance. I’m sure some of this is that excitement of something new making it harder but I feel like I’m in a back country road in the middle of BFE and I can’t find true north. I seem to get close but then it slips. I keep getting pushed and pulled in different directions but never enough to know if I’m going in the right direction. 
Maybe it’s just me learning me but the more I learn the harder and more unrealistic it seems. 

FYI… most of the time I’m a happy cheerful person just struggling a little right now and this is a place for me to ponder. 

We all struggle to find our person. To find that connection both on the emotional level and kink.

So is it better to wonder if you will ever find them and keep looking and hoping they are out there?

Or is it better to have had it for a short while?

While I am beyond grateful for my experiences, I am seeing things through different lenses now. 

The bar has been raised by you. My already 'unrealistic' expectation became more 'unrealistic'.

And the best form of stress relief is a good dicking down. So what does that mean to me you ask?
For starters a good make out session with over the clothes heavy petting. Feeling your hard throbbing cock grinding against me. My pussy getting so wet I soak through my panties and pants. My clitty swollen and throbbing. Over the clothes you grab my tit massaging roughly, pinching and rolling my nipple while you tap out Morse code on my clitty making me cum a little. Making me greedy and desperate for more.

Then you helping me to sitting. Take off my shirt (no bra because I hate them). Then you caress my cheek, run your hands down to my breasts massaging both gently before you tell me to get on my knees. I say yes sir as I move into position looking up at you. You take your cock out, giving it a few pumps until a bead of precum gathers at the tip. While watching you I lick my lips, open my mouth with my tongue out waiting begging you with my eyes.
‘Go ahead sweet girl, take what you want.’
‘Thank you, sir’
You caress my cheek with your thumb as I greedily lick the head of you cock. Humming at the taste of you. Taking the head of your cock in my mouth sucking and twirling my tongue around the rim then pausing at the frenulum giving extra attention to you there with my tongue while continuing to suck in the head. You place your hand on my head gently. Then I take in as much of your cock as I can on my own and give a good suck. You then push more in my mouth hold me in place. You start fucking my face. I attempt to maintain suction and twirl my tongue around your cock, but I’m too busy choking and gagging on your cock. Tears leaking from my eyes. Saliva running down my chin.
‘That’s my good girl. Sucking cock like a good little slut for Daddy.’
I moan around your cock. I feel you start to swell and suck harder moving my head faster until I feel the first spurt of you cum in my mouth. If continue sucking your cock until I get every drop. Moaning at the feeling and taste of you. Swallowing all of your cum down with your cock still in my mouth. Then gently suck and twirl my tongue around your cock to the head. Sucking gently. Tonguing the rim. Then you slip from my mouth and I press a kiss to the head of your cock and look up at you.
‘Such a good little slut for Daddy. Good girl.’
‘Thank you Daddy’ with a sweet, shy smile.

You gently place your hand on my head, running your hand over my head and down to lift my chin higher.
‘Such a good girl.’
You hold out your hand for me the take, ‘Get up, baby’
I take your hand and you help me stand catching me as I wobble on my legs. You kneel down to help me out of my pants and panties.
‘Poor baby’ you reach up running your hand up my inner thigh feeling how my juices coated them. You run your hand up ghosting your fingers over my pussy. ‘So wet for Daddy.’
‘Uh huh, please Daddy.’
‘Sit in the edge of the bed and spread those legs for Daddy’
‘Yes sir’ I sit on the edge of the, lean back in my hands, and open my legs slowly as wide as I can.
‘Such a pretty little pussy, glistening and soaking wet for Daddy.’ You put your hands on my knees, running them up thighs and using your finger tips you spread my lips and take a long, slow lick from my opening to my clitty. You flick your tongue over my clit, taking it your mouth sucking on it while flicking your tongue over it.
I fall down flat moaning enjoying the pleasure as you eat my pussy like it’s your favorite dessert.
You take two fingers getting the tips wet in my juices, holding them at my opening. You take my clit in your mouth, sucking hard and ramming your fingers in my pussy, finger fucking me focusing of my g spot.
‘Daddy can I cum PLEASE?! Please Daddy let me cum!!’
‘Good girl for asking permission. Now babygirl. Let go and squirt all over Daddy.’
‘Ohhh. Thank you Daddy’ my back arches off the bed as I cum squirting, drenching your hand, mouth and chest. You take the time to lick me clean. Enjoying how sensitive I am, as I twitch and shudder as aftershocks rack my body.
You place one last kiss to my clit. Looking me in the eye. ‘Such a Good Girl squirting all over Daddy.’
Thank you, Daddy

As I adjust to the feeling of you filling me up I relish the feeling of being so connected to you. You thrust into me, “I said to ride me Baby girl.”

I start moving up and down your cock slowly. I get that look telling me to stop teasing you. You thrust harder into me. Jolting me forward. My hand land on your chest for balance. I start slowing moving up and down on your cock, moving faster and faster. Then when I see the pleasure in your face, as I get the head I stop and start with shallow movements just at the head of you cock. Feeling the rim slip in and out of me. Then I slam back down on you. “That’s it Baby Girl.” I repeat the long hard strokes and stop again just at the head. I tease the head of your cock again. You can tell I’m close to orgasm. “Let go Baby Girl. Cum for Daddy.” I slam back down on you and as I reach the head of your cock, I explode and squirt all over you. “Oh yeah! That’s my Good Girl! Give me another.”
“Yes, sir!”
You slip back in me. I sit straight up and start grinding down on you as you thrust into me.
“Oh Daddy! I need to… can.. can I cum again pleeeease?! Please Daddy?!”
“Such good girl for asking. Yes you may.”
“Thank you Dadddddy” And an explode again, feeling my squirt pool at my knees. I collapse on your chest, you give me a brief reprieve, rubbing your hands up and down my back, as aftershocks shudder through me. As soon as they stop. “One more Baby. Give Daddy one more.”
“I can’t Daddy.’
“You can and you will, Little girl.”
“Yes Sir.”
I start to sit up and you stop me about halfway.
You start thrusting up and guiding my hips down the way you want. You feel me getting close again. “Now Baby Girl. Cum for Daddy.” One again I explode again bigger than before. As soon as I stop you thrust back in to me chasing your own orgasm. Just before you cum you warn me so you don’t cum in me. I start moving to keep you deep inside me.
“Please Daddy don’t pull out. Please cum in me and fill me up. Please Daddy?!? I need it!”
With a couple of more hard, deep thrusts I feel you explode in me just as I asked. “Oh, Thank you Daddy.”
I continue to move up and in your cock milking every drop. I collapse back on chest with your cock still twitching inside me. Then I squirt again as you slip from me.

I come awake slowly cuddled up to you. You’re on your back and me snuggled up close to your side. As I lay next to you, I’m thinking of how lucky I am to have a Daddy like you to care for me and love me just as I am. I start lightly brushing my fingers on your chest and abdomen just admiring you. I notice movement out of the corner of my eye. I look down to see the evidence that even in your sleep I have an effect on you. It gives me an idea of how to show my appreciation! I double check you’re still asleep and you are. So, I make my way under the covers, wriggle between your legs being careful not to wake you. Once I’m comfortable I start licking and kissing the head of your cock while caressing your balls. You grow harder under my affections and your cock jumps, letting me know it’s time. I get into a better position, open wide taking you all the way in my mouth until I feel you hit the back of my throat causing me to gag a little. Then I pull back just a bit, sucking your cock and twirling my tongue around your shaft the best I can with a full mouth.
I feel the move and shit off my head, with your cock in my mouth as far as I possible, I look up into your eyes. You gently caress my head saying, “Good morning, baby girl.”
I smile up at you with your cock still in my mouth. And then I double down. I pull off just to head, teasing you, sucking and swirling my tongue around you. Paying special attention to the rim, flatten my tongue and running up and down the underside of the head of your cock. When I taste your cum starting to drip on my tongue, I take you to the back of my throat gagging and swallowing as I go as far as possible and just stop for a moment allowing you to enjoy the feeling on me struggling to take all of you. I bob my head up and down on you just enough to breathe a little. When I finally make my way back up your cock, looking in your eyes while I do, letting it barely come out of my letting you see the mess I made of myself. I kiss the head of your cock.
You sit up just enough to grab me, pulling me up your body. “Get up here baby girl and ride Daddy.”
As soon as your cock slips through my wetness, you thrust upward while pushing me down on your cock, plunging in to the hilt all at once. Causing me to cry out from the feeling. “Good morning Daddy.”

Going about things the wrong way?

I’ve always been one to need some sort of relationship or connection to progress to sex but is that really the way to go?

I have found that I have an exhibitionist side especially in this online world. I can get to that point easier than I thought. I am finding I’m more comfortable with the idea of casual type interactions but I’m still struggling with my ideas of being ‘easy’ or ‘loose’ and being judged for my desires. 

Is a more casual approach best and if that turns into more so be it? 
Or is more first the better approach?

I miss talking to a person. Texting and chatting are fine but you miss out on so much. I know I’m showing my age, but how can you really get to know somebody with getting a read on their personality and sincerity. Take me for example, I use sarcasm all the time. How do you know I’m not a complete ‘Karen’ if you can’t hear it in my tone. 
Just rambling on a thought that has been on my mind for a few days. 

Balance the multiple sides 

You want the personal connection but knowing how much to say and when...

You don't want to come off as a prude but you want more than just conversation about sex...

At the same time, there had been a lack of sexual fulfillment and being told what you want is wrong,dirty, or nasty. It is extremely important those needs will be met. 

Here being 'dirty' or 'slutty' isn't looked at the same way.

Under the right circumstances I have a high sex drive and sexual response.

So how do you come across as both highly intelligent with the ability to carry on a conversation and the cock hungry, highly responsive, multi orgasmic subbie you keep locked away?

Someone I respect and trust greatly has said that a relationship with a dynamic is not healthy, especially for a trauma survivor, and can’t last long term because one person will be constantly pleasing the other and in doing so will be compromising who they are, what they want and/or their needs. 

That has been their experience. However, I have found it easier to maintain my boundaries in my interactions, so far. I have found it healing in a lot of ways because I am listening to my gut more and don’t compromise on my core values. 

So I’m curious as to the experiences of those currently living the dynamic in their relationship. I appreciate anything you may be willing to share.