“The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday, that’s guaranteed.
And I can’t begin to explain that- or the craziness inside myself and everybody else, but guess what? Sunday is my fav day again”
― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook
I am submissive in the majority of the areas of my life - some of those areas are beaten and bruised and screaming with hurt, why why why, over and over again - why do you keep doing this to yourself, why this, why that, when where why how? what?
Google AI says this regarding being submissive, which - AI - great, I just killed off more fossil fuels.
Submissive describes a willingness to yield to the authority, control, or will of another, characterized by obedience, compliance, and often a more passive or supportive role. It involves placing one’s own desires secondary to another's, showing deference, and, in relationships, trusting a partner’s leadership.
the desires in my life are in the backseat, always secondary to others. i am the last to speak up or advocate for myself in any situation. I never want myself in the light, never want to show my needs, wants, desires, I just want to take care of everyone. everything. I am a mother after all.
but being a mother and managing my mind, it often goes off to where it will wander when things are dark.
it went dark yesterday.
I felt tricked - I packed a bag - I brought all the things I wanted to show you, things I wanted you to try, things I thought would make you feel better and give you release, those things you told me to bring - I was so grateful to spend time with you because I always am and I know you're busy.
and then finally, when it came time, we were almost out of time. you gave me the breakdown of what we had left - I had to make the decision - I decided that we wouldn't have enough time to do everything and really, I just wanted to take care of you, I knew that life hadn't been kind to you lately and I knew that you needed the release.
it wasn't until after I left that I thought my mind was connecting dots. I thought you'd have me over earlier, with you asking me to bring things, I waited, waited, until I worried that it was getting too late - I got on my way. i asked what time I needed to go, you said you weren't sure.
then the playbook came out, this at this time, this at that time, an appointment at this time. times that I wondered if you knew about prior. my brain. it wandered. darker and darker. i've looked at you as a lighthouse - my mind wandered farther and farther into the dark, there was no light - my own navigation lights are burned out. my ship steered into a swamp - maybe you timed out things just right, knowing that I would defer, and you didn't really want to have me around as long as I thought - maybe you don't want to give me the impact release anymore - maybe this is something that you aren't interested in anymore, my mouth has taken precedence - my mouth and promised friendship. I wish my brain wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't like this.
I didn't go home after I left. my brain was too muddy, too mixed up and confused - I went to the river but it was frozen. I didn't want to be like the jumper the community most recently mocked since the water was frozen. an acquaintance said "man, what a moron, its dead of winter, the water is frozen and you can't drown in ice" I wanted to beg to differ at the time - this person was not someone to be mocked - this was someone who thought they were at the end of their story or at least they wanted to end it. I sat for a while, trying to process my thoughts. the phone notification went off, my kids were on their way home. I was grateful for the interruption as I was contemplating how I could make things work - disappear - run away - missing person?
instead, again, in my submission, even to myself and my children, I decided to head home. when I pulled out, I looked up and saw an eagle sitting at the top of a tree - I thought - how unfair it is to be a human, how I wanted to fly to the tops of trees so no one would hurt me, no one would be able to reach me or touch me - how I wanted to be able to fly towards the moon, have the best of views.
I drove home. talked briefly to the kids before they ran off to talk to friends and then I sat in the silence. I waited for them to come back down the stairs so I could spend time with them, maybe make dinner together. I sat in the quiet until it echoed with me sobbing, sinking into the bathtub. I finally went to bed, cried myself to sleep with hopes that I just simply wouldn't wake up this morning. it would be easier if it was unexplained or an accident. I don't want to scar or scare my children, but sometimes at the end of my days, I don't feel like i'm even good enough for them - my brain shouting - they'd be better off without you, they'd be better off with someone else.
I called out again today like I did yesterday. so today, I am going to pretend that I care about myself in hopes that I can trick my mind to bounce back. i'm going to take an hour to dip in the sensory deprivation tank (oh my how the salt will sting), maybe take myself out for pho (if the part of me that says I don't deserve food shuts up), and maybe go to the bookstore, because at the end of the day, maybe all I really have is my books, somewhere to go that isn't here, that isn't there, but somewhere in between.