Sorting Myself

***A special thanks to everyone who helped me come up with ideas when I jumped in the cage chat room!***

I meant to write this the weekend before Christmas but real life took over. 

Some may know, I'm in an auction group and every few weeks I get bid on and have a week exploring a kink with whoever was the highest bidder. That, I feel, is a kink all in itself! 

The week before Christmas my temp dynamic partner and I explored Santaphilia. I'll be honest, before doing research I assumed this was just a kink or fetish (I'm still learning the difference) for older men with long beards. I was happily surprised to find out it involved many other kinks as well! Some of my favorites were: 

• Erotic writing (letters to Santa)
• Sensory play (fire & snow)
• Bondage (using garland or xmas lights)
• Poses (pics with/for Santa)
• WAM - decorating yourself (cookies)
• Mummification - wrap yourself as a present

I had the most fun exploring fire play. I'm getting better at it. Picture this: 

I'm in the tub - figured if it burns I'll quickly chunky dunk my leg to put out the flames. 

I'm not fancy so I have no chic expensive set up. But, I need both hands. 

Tub is filled to the rim. Phone is tucked under my chin. I'm hoping and praying to the phone gods that it's at an angle to see the fire play. 

In my left hand, the hair mousse. In my right hand, the lighter. Here's the plan: press play, cut off my airway to support the phone against my neck. Left hand circles my leg with flammable foam and immediately my right hand lights the stuff on fire. KABOOM! BEST FIREPLAY TASK EVER! 

Obviously, it didn't go perfectly.  BUT, I'm closer than the last time AND asphyxiation is added to my hard limits. 

Any hoo: here's the pics! 

If anyone knows a better way to explore fire play, please let me know. ?

Every so often I pick a new kink to explore. Last month was sensory play. I had a lot of fun! I made cards of my findings. 

Now, I want to explore something new again! I'm leaning towards balloon play! Google wasn't much help in coming up with ideas on things to do with the balloons. Are you a looner? Do you know a looner? Do you have any suggestions on things I can do for this kink? 

?????????????????

Please halp!!! ?

I've been "healing" for over 2 years from allowing someone to tear me to shreds. I allowed him to take away every ounce of self love I've amassed over the years. I put "healing" in quotes because I'm not sure if that's what I've been doing. Or what I've done. 

When does the healing process end? I feel like I'm continuously circling the drain, never completely reaching it. I'm frustrated now that my progress seems to have reached a plateau. 

Some of you know my journey, many of you have helped me along this journey. Thank you all for your love and support! ❤️ 

Is it over yet? I still don't feel like the happy, carefree, bubbly person I was before him. But is that truly where I should be? Or, is this the new me? A bit more cautious. A bit more skeptical. A bit more reserved. Less happy, less fun ???‍♀️

I'm not sure what the next step is, but I know I don't feel complete. I don't feel whole. But I can't continue going around in circles with no plan or destination ahead.

For those who have been through this before, do I keep trying to get back to who I was before, or do I move forward to recreate a whole new me? 

I'm confused. I need advice from others who have made it through this. What will help me out the most? I'm at a loss. ?

Any photographers reading this? Or anyone with tips on how to take sexy pics? If so, I really need your advice! 

I recently saw someone post a sexy bath selfie and wanted to recreate the pose in hopes I could look at least half as beautiful as she did. 

I ran the bath water, added bubbles. Lit a candle and turned off the lights. Mood lighting! Also figured it might hide some flaws. (I'm a plus sized curvy chick) 

So, I gently entered the bath, it felt great! But then I remembered her pic. She was on her stomach in the water, her plump behind was risen out of the water, nicely surrounded by an entourage of suds that shaped it perfectly! So obviously, I needed to flip. 

As stated earlier, I'm not a size 2. I'm thick. I'm curvy. But I really wanted to attempt this pic! I decided to flip over. I did this rather carelessly and the water splooshed around and some spilled over the edge! ??‍♀️ I had to lay perfectly still, straining my neck, holding my head up above water for what felt like forever! ? 

FINALLY THE WATER WAS CALM! THIS IS MY BIG CHANCE! 

I propped myself up on my forearms, most weight on my elbows. At this point I'm thinking before the next photo session I'm going to buy those cute duck stickies people use for their tub. Mine will be for elbow pads though. Anyhoo, I lift the phone above my head to see my rumpus. I'm secretly hoping I have a sexy bubbly entourage of my own. Unfortunately, my titanic ass must've bursted all the bubbles during my massive flip in the tub! There were none left! ? 

However, I decided I would still explore taking a pic and I'll add bubbles once I get the angle right! If at first you don't succeed.... Right?! 

So I prop myself up again. I'm realizing that to get a proper pic I need to lift my arms higher. I have to use both, one hand to hold the phone and one to snap the pic. To do this, I need off of my elbows. ? My feet are out of the water, pushed up against the opposite wall. I'm still on my stomach. My arms are ready to raise a bit higher to snap this pic. My plan at this point is that my boobs will hold my head out of water. 

Ready..... Set.....GO!!!! 

I raise my arms, use my feet to push me forward a bit, my boobs slide up the tub, I'm about to snap a pic when my boobs quickly slide the fuck back down, I get a charlie horse in my leg, my face smacks the water. I'm practically waterboarding myself and my brain is confused af and not telling me to put the phone down! I'm flailing around like a fish out of water. I finally have enough sense to put one hand back in the water to prop myself back up on an elbow. I finally put the phone down and was able to lift my face up to catch my breath. I still can't see bc there's soapy water in my eyes. While flipping back over the candle falls into the tub. But hey, I'm finally on my back. My new comfort zone! ? Note to self: don't trust little boobs for such a big task ? 

After all that, I still want to take sexy pics. I believe beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. But maybe bath photos aren't for me? Does anyone have any tips or advice? Please share! 

My grilling is getting better, but not as good as this. 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJvKo8DQ/

Goals!! Can anyone help? ???

I want to explore this, but when I look online, I've only found it being used as a punishment. Does anyone do this for pleasure? 

*Covers bum and waddles outta the room* 

I'm still exploring and learning. I've been so focused on self-care and after-care as that's all that was taught to me.

Yesterday was the first time I heard about pre-care. It's the process you go through before a scene. 

The only thing I can think of is taking deep breaths as I'm usually quite excited before a scene. 

I'm curious to hear what everyone else does for pre-care. I currently do not do anything and it seems important to have a way to get in the correct mindset. 

Is pre-care something an s type does on their own, or is their D type involved? 

How soon before a scene do you begin pre-care? 

Does pre-care soften the blow of the horrid sub drop? 

Do D types have a pre-care routine also?

Please weigh in with any advice or suggestions. 

Y'all use kegel balls, right? I prefer to call them Ben Wa Balls. It's more fun to say! ?

There's so many kinds! Big ones, little ones, glass ones, metal ones...I went with black glass. This morning, I found some on Etsy that are necklaces ? just hang it around your neck as a decoration until you're ready to shove it up your hoohah!! How convenient!

Anyhoo... Mine came with this really cool holder on a string. Apparently pretty common place. I've used them many times, and when I'm done, I pull the string and wah-lah! Balls in hand!

Well, today I decided I was ready to go wireless. Erm... String less. I mean, I'm supposed to be growing in experience, right? The Little in me viewed it as going from a sippy cup to a big kid cup. If I could do this, I could conquer the world!! One kegel ball at a time! ?

Well, after inserting them and walking around a bit, I decided to play a little before removing them. So, got in bed, got comfy, let the games commence! Ahhh-mazing orgasm btw!! ?? When I stood up, PLOP! First ball bounced to the floor. But where's the second?! I reached in, couldn't feel it!! Searched the bed, under the sheets, maybe I didn't feel it come out! NOPE! Damn thing was still inside!!

Okay, no worries. I mean, I can't be the first person to shove a glass ball in their va-jay-jay and get it lost, right?!???‍♀️ So, I did what any first timer would do, I completely panicked and ran to Google! Thankfully, the first 37 articles I read told me it cannot get lost. Whew! The last thing I need is my epitaph to read: Here lies Bleiz. Went to E.R. for ball removal, left with pelvic muscles like steel and CoVid-19 because she couldn't stay home like she was supposed to. D'oh!!

So, it was time to get this thing out of me! First thing I read was to squat. Okay, no biggie. I squatted, reached up, couldn't feel anything! Tried pushing. Nothing.

Attempt 2. Relax. Wtf ever! Yeah. Didn't happen. I'm much too worried that I'll have to explain to everyone why I'm in the emergency room, relaxing is impossible at this point.

Attempt 2.5 I decided jumping jacks. You know, use gravity, a natural force to help me. 50 jumping jacks, reach down, still nothing. Dammit.

Go back to Google. Still says relax. Just relax. I CAN'T FUCKING RELAX THERE'S A BALL LOST IN ME!!

*Deep breath*

Attempt 3. Maybe if I pee, it'll come out.

NOPE. 

Attempt 4. More squats. Still nothing. ??‍♀️

Okay, maybe relaxing IS the key. I head to the bedroom. My plan now is to fall asleep, and while sleeping, Mr. Sandman will come, with his best friend Kegel Fairy and she'll remove the ball and leave a nickel under my ass. ??‍♀️ A girl can dream, right?

Well, on the way to my room, I had a coughing fit. It was that deep hard cough.  And BOOM! Out shoots ball number 2!!!! ? WHOOHOO!!!!?

So, in case this ever happens to you, jump straight to attempt 5. ? Needless to say, I'm not sure if I'm ready for string less just yet.

On a positive, my pelvic floor and I are ready to take on the world!! ??