This is not a D/S post in any way shape or form. This is just me. Caution there might be some triggers for some.
Forgiveness
I'm opening here because it's rather Anonymous, only 3 people know who I am.
I have fought long and hard. Not wanting to see my bad or my pain. I lived on autopilot but was searching.
I lost almost all trust in people when I was a senior in high school I was the one girl that got pregnant, we were all having sex. I was the last one to have sex, but the first to get pregnant.
I was so scared. I was nothing to the father. I told my mom. I really don't remember how I told her, but I do remember her reply of ”what have you done to the family. It was decided by her that I WOULD have an abortion.
My mother played the catholic saint but lived a fake life. She dragged me to our catholic doctor and he confirmed the pregnancy and how far along I was. My mom and them discussed options, not me. Mom decided I would have an abortion. Said and done. My lying mother went to my dads boss and his Catholic wife and lied that I needed some testing for my migraines and would have to be there for a week. So the devote catholic bosses’ wife wrote a check, not knowing she was paying for an abortion.
Away we went. My appointment was made. It was an abortion that would take about 3 days. I had my intake and physical. They ”counseled” me and explained the three day ”procedure” I was so afraid. They were very nice. The office was decorated in early 90's decor. They found the heartbeat I didn't get to hear it. But I saw it on the little black and white screen. I saw the long needle puncture into my abdomen and the injected a sodium mixture into the heart chamber. Put a little bandaid on the site. Sent me back to the hotel with my parents. I would feel the baby flutter around. My mom acted like no big deal. We walked the mall she shopped I just looked forward. She wanted to eat out and so we did. Dad and I just followed her around.
I laid in the hotel bed in the dark feeling the final flutters, praying they would start again, but didn't. I prayed they would find the heartbeat again because if they did could stop it and go home. But there was no heartbeat. They induced labor and I delivered a baby, which I named silently. That was it. We went home. I went through all the emotions and physical pain. I started to lactate and had to use paper towels. I was weepy one day looking out the window, my mother stood behind me and said to get over it. So I stuffed it. I stuffed everything.
In a year's time I was pregnant again. I had a beautiful baby girl which I kept and raised. But my mother kept saying what will people think about her. She's a catholic, we are catholic.
She abused me my whole life; emotionally and verbally and some physically. She played the martyr so well, she had her nose up in the air, as if her a shit didn't stink. She never said she was sorry ever to anyone, it was always someone elses fault. I lived in darkness.
I looked everywhere for love and affection. I couldn't find it because they too lived in darkness, not wanting to show who they were, they were afraid too. But they abused with words and emotions.
It took me all these years to see it, to finally see and hear words from someone who spoke his truth and lived by it. I wanted that too. But was so fucking afraid. I wanted the light and freedom. I tried and tried but kept failing myself and him.
Mom is dead and buried now, I thought with her being dead it would all be better, there was some relief. But never freedom. Not until I forgive her, then I can live. Mom I forgive you, I don't know your reasons or whys, you had your hell and you brought it on others. But I must let you go now. It's the only way I can heal and grow and be out of your shadow. Goodbye mom, you are forgiven. I will have moments of upset towards her, but I must look at it and let it go.
I am asking for forgiveness for all I've done and repent. I have to learn who I am, so I have to struggle and learn and open myself more. I cannot live in my shell anymore. It's a journey only I can do. I can have words of encouragement and support but I have to be the one who does the work. I know the blueprint of who I want to be, now I must build me. Along with repairing what I've caused damage to.
I am sorry for all that I have done, I am asking for forgiveness from all. This is not a little apology of ”im sorry ” this is my heart and soul and mind asking for forgiveness. I can not live in darkness.
