Prologue:
For two weeks I sat at My Paladins side, just the two of us and his dog loaded in the cab of a blue Kenworth. How I came to sit by his side. It was August 22 and I was busy around the house,our house, even though we were over it was still his home. We had spoken the day before and it was pretty much done. I had zero hate for him, I love him, there was no anger towards him. So at 6pm I received a rather surprising text, asking if I was planning on going to the movies with my daughter? I replied it was tomorrow. He replied back with could I postpone the movies and join him on the truck. I without hesitation said yes, I threw clothing into a bag, gathered my ditty bag checking to make sure I had soap, etc, I pulled out a comb and tossed it to the side as it wasn't needed, since my hair is less than an inch in length right now. I drove and dropped the house keys off with my daughter and hit the road.
I’ve had a fear of driving by myself and at night for a little over a year now. I was not going to let that stop me. I headed west towards Denver, it would take me about three hours on a backroad highway, through little towns with no services and spotty cell service. My GPS was set and My Paladin was waiting for me. As I got onto I-70 I called him and he stayed on the phone with me up until the moment I parked the Hummer in the truck yard, and he hugged me.
We loaded my stuff and I hugged the pupper, who was super excited to see her mama. It was late and we had to leave in the early morning hours for California. We crawled into the bunk and settled in. Now if you didn't know the sleeper berth is a twin bed, so it was I, Him and a Belgian dog in that space. My Paladin wrapped his arms around me and spoke softly, and we drifted to sleep.
THE TIME SPENT
These two weeks were beautiful, even knowing it would probably be the end. I rode shotgun, and we talked and talked. I was open and bared all, If there was to be any chance, communication was key, pure open honest,transparent communication. We spoke of what ifs, how we could do things, what would need to be done, if it could be done, if he could do it or not.
I took my place and I felt a change in me, I felt myself fall, and become his, there was no questioning who I am or what I am, I gave my all. I learned I was priceless and my value was higher than rubies. I learned that his value was also priceless, that to obtain it I would pay with my price; all of me, all of who I am. I paid that price. I fell into his care and order, I became truly his. I served him with no inner fight, I knew I was where I wanted to be, needed to be. I was me. I belonged to My Paladin
As we drove, he taught me things about the truck and had me help out on some tasks. We would stop at certain truck stops for a coffee for him and an iced coffee for me, and a corn dog for the pupper. We would shower every other day, My Paladin said I was spoiling him by using the pay showers, Otherwise it was pre-soaped body wipes you activate in water and I said that's called a Whore Bath, we laughed so much. Bathing in the truck wasn't so bad, and thank goodness for my short hair. But a shower was so much better, I have to say that some we used were rather nice, spacious and clean, stone floors, rolled towels, massive shower, one with a rain shower head 10 feet above. Not what I expected.
I felt calm as we drove, I would reach over and rub his arm and he would hold my hand. I sincerely asked “is there anything I can do for you?” and he would reply, “Just be you” We did not say “I love You” that was known, but “I appreciate you” was spoken, That was more meaningful and held more depth and value. We would have bible study as we traveled, I would read and he would speak on the passages. I loved watching him speak with such passion, his eyes would light up and he would go on and on and on, conviction in his voice.
I just watched him as we drove, he would reach over and squeeze my leg, ask if I was doing ok? I would nod and say “yes” I would get up and grab him something and before I would sit down I would kiss the top of his head, the kiss would linger a bit longer than others. Our days would end late and start early, held tightly before the sun rose.
We held tightly to each other through the night, oh the passion and intensity that burned from his eyes. My Paladin claimed me as his, I gave myself freely to him, He placed a hand on my chest and said “who owns this?” You do- I answered. He called me by his special name for me. I knew he owned the whole of me. I was not a half to be added to make another whole, I was a whole to be added to complement another whole. In the dark cab, illuminated by console lights, I rested my forehead onto his naked upper thigh, I let out a deep sigh, I was me and I was home.
I would trace the tattoos down his arms, following the dark outlines, feeling the semi-coarse hair covering his arms and chest. I’d watch his face as he spoke, how his blue eyes would glance over to me and a long drawn out “yeeeessss?” would be asked, I would shake my head and reply with “nothing, just watching you”
One day I asked if he would dance with me, he said yes, and then looked at the very little space we had. I said there was plenty of room. So that night,after the curtains were drawn, a country song was found, he took me by the hand and held me close. My face nuzzled into his neck, my hand rubbing the back of his neck and his hand held my right hand against his chest, I felt his heart beating. We slowly swayed back and forth, pulling in tighter, drawing closer as the song neared its end. He kissed me and said thank you. Then into bed we went.
A little plush alligator named Gertie sits on his dash, looking out the windshield watching the road. She was my alligator that he had given me and I gave to him to keep on the truck to watch over, so he wasn't alone. On this trip Gertie got a friend to ride up there with her. A plush Baby Yoda aka The Child. Those two set side by side watching the scenery pass by. They even had pictures taken as we passed through Vegas and posted to instagram.
One day I was sitting in my seat and he was napping in the back as I waited for our laundry to finish. I just sat there, and looked at him, my Paladin. His stubble filling in, the white of his goatee, his perfect nose and long eyelashes. I just watched him, the rise and fall of his chest, his little twitches as he slept. I just watched him as tears began to well in my eyes. It was hitting me, I was most likely going to lose him. There would be no begging or pleading, or asking why, do you not love me? I knew deep down it was coming to an end. I knew.
We got back to Denver and we went to the store to prepare for his next trip, Grabbed something to eat and went back to the truck. We sat next to each other and ate McD’s nuggets and cheeseburger, it was rather silent. We knew. I held him tight and he held me, we knew.
The sun came up and I headed home, he led me out and went his way to deliver freight. He told me to call him if I needed him, and that he would watch me on the tracking app we have. I got home safely and unpacked. The drive seemed fast this time. I got home and I felt different, I don't know what I felt but it was different.
Monday Labor Day came, I went and did my yard work, sat with my thoughts, went about my day. I went to bed early, did some reading and wrote in my journal. My phone dinged that I received a message. It was my Paladin asking if I was busy and we videoed, I saw it in his face, I knew. I could see the pain in his eyes, I could feel it, oh how I felt him. I understood. He and I will talk in a few days, he needs time to process this and we both needed to grieve this. We spoke more, of which I will not share. The red string remains, between My Paladin and I. It's just another path that was laid out for us instead.
