Diary entry # 137
Dear diary,
Its Thursday.
Im not sure what Wednesday was all about, and tomorrow should be Friday.
I have been exposing and expressing a great deal of sadness and lament lately, but I have also been feeling unexplainable happiness as well. A profundity of simply being alive.
As you know, it wasnt all that long ago I was homeless - and experiencing a tremendous amount of struggling. It seemed the entire world was against me. Its a hard road back from utter devistation.
Well, remember that day at the doctors? As I left I was feeling completely defeated - I pulled up to the main intersection in the hard pouring rain . . . . And my wipers quit working. . .
With the light green and the car behind me blowing the horn - something snapped in me in that moment . . . . I burst into uncontrollable laughter.
Letting go . . .
The world feels different, it looks different, sounds different. I think the now struggle is the sameness that remains. The realizations of the tangible - the manifestations from the never before seen. Of course I still make mistakes, and sometimes feel like a bumbling fool - regret for causing pain - regret for unchanging.
. . . .
Despite countless obstacles, seemingly endless - I fucking did it! After 5 years living on the road, being kicked around by a cold, unforgiving, uncaring world - I made it! - I bought my own home!
Here I am ?
Yes . . . .
Here I am
. . . .
Ya know what?
Theres a part of me that wants to be back on the road.
The stark realization that life is transient.
I dont "own" anything - merely holding it for the person or persons I pass it on to.
All of my misconceptions about life - all of my "doing it wrong"s - all of the things I was so sure would grant me happiness.
You know, the things that come to mind that put a smile on my heart? Seeing all the butterflies last year in my yard . . .Hearing "I love you". . . Kind words from people who care.
The roof still leaks, but thats ok.
This is getting long winded.
I got my new camera - pretty pumped about that ?
*my blogs are almost always spur of the moment and off the cuff (like this one) - emotions just flowing out of me - they are not intended towards, or about anyone in particular - just emotions pouring out.