Kink-centric or D/s relationships offer something a little different from what you might find in more traditional relationships. While the work and effort that go into building such relationships is significant, the payoff can be astounding. For those that have experienced a commited, trusting and healthy kink relationship know what I'm talking about. For those that have yet to experience such a thing, I can tell you there is nothing like it. When you have a relationship where there is mutual, unwavering trust it allows you both to be vulnerable and raw in your most authentic form... When you have shared interest in kinks, you both can find pleasure and grow as a couple every single time you play... When you have that bond it feels unbreakable, and yourself, invincible...
It is truly an experience you can't put into words. However, if there is one thing that kink teaches us, it is that there is a price to pay to feel that good. We are reminded of this cost in a literal sense when we drop after play, the physical or emotional toll of BDSM activities, or by the bruises and marks that hang around for a while. And we are also reminded of that cost when a relationship fails...
I can share this experience from a very personal place. Recently, I have lost both my collared submissive, who passed away far too young, and the love of my life, kink partner through a pretty miserable separation. The personal loss is insurmountable and different from the loss I would be experiencing if these were more traditional relationships.
In the mass of swirling thoughts and normal stages of grief, I cannot express to my non kink support network, who and what these people were to me. The usual advice falls flat. "Don't worry. You will find someone new." No, no I will not. Kink based and D/s relationships must be cultivated from scratch; trust building, learning eachothers ways and kinks, and finding those certain things that satisfy your kink cravings. A truly good fit in a kink partner is so hard to find. In my experience, it would not be unreasonable to expect this process to take years, or at least many months, to manifest into a vibrant and fulfilling kink relationship. Even when everything works out and you can rebuild, it will still be very different from what you lost.
From personal experience, I can share that you do change in a kink relationship, regardless of role. That can also happen in non D/s, BDSM relationships. No matter how much you love your kinks or your level of experience, there is still change. You cannot subject you body, or someone else's, to that kind of experience, with the breaking down and building back up, and not have it affect you. After 2 years with my submissive and one year with my kink parter, I am left processing how much I have changed. The challenge of picking up the pieces and getting back to being me feels impossible. It feels like there is so little "me" left. I don't know how to do it or what to do to help. While I consider myself a very independent person, there is very little I did without consideration of my partners. Now nearly all if my regular routine is different, and what support network remains, is full if reminders of what I had and the loss I feel.
So what is the solution; time, new friends that aren't connected to this situation, a temporary withdrawal from the community, keep blogging all depressive feels, crawl inside a bottle, revenge fuck my ex's best friend, have someone beat the feelings out of me, etc...
Some of this I am working on, both the good and the bad, but these are short term fixes that just get you from one moment to the next. My friends tell me it will get better. I'm sure lots of you will too cause that's the type of community we have here. But I am not writing this post looking for sympathy or for advice, I am writing because it is good for me and because I believe that these issues are not unique to me when navigating personal loss in kink. I suppose I am sharing so other people who navigate such issues will understand that this isn't some emotional over reaction to just another separation. The fallout from the loss of an all consuming relationship is more than you'll be prepared to handle, and you will never consider managing being alone when you are flying high on the endorphins that are in abundance when a kink relationship is at its best. If you live your life for someone else, eventually your partner may be gone, and you may have nothing left of yourself.
