I’m a bit of a shit... too sassy for my own britches at times. I fancy myself a very good slave/submissive, especially for Him.... but ever aware when I don’t measure up. He says I beat myself up too much but that’s my coping mechanism.
Our relationship is complicated. Difficult because of the distance. Frustrating because despite best efforts, one or both of us can feel unfulfilled. We have little rituals that aren’t really rituals that we do most days. One of the most important for me is when we say good night (or “tucks” me in). I’ve had a stressful week in my professional life and overdoing it at the gym. So bedtime has come rushing in this week and before I know it I’m waking up, it’s 3am and I missed saying good night. I ALWAYS have a moment of panic. It’s no ones fault.... he has things in the evenings he has to do and I can’t stay awake because I get up so blastedly early. But what our big bad Doms need to realize is we cling to every single “I love you”, so a missed one hurts.
I had some passing feelings about a small situation. Feelings of jealousy. I sent a message while waiting for my “tuck in”. And while waiting for his return I dozed off. It probably wasn’t worded with as much tact or respect as it could have been...but another one of my failings is I’m often too brusque or blunt. At times it’s just me rushing to get the words out before I lose the nerve. It’s comes out snotty. I always apologize, but why he puts up with it, I’m not sure.
When it feels like work and life have pulled us apart.... even beyond the damn 700 miles... I get jealous of the time and attention he has and do not want to share it. I had a moment of rage the other night as I was told by another (my gf) to “go to sleep, He was talking to her”... last night I found out what the talk was about, thus the message. I’ll share... in fact I’m happy to share.... but the switch inside me wants to rise up and do terrible things to her, not because of any intimacy between them... but because I was dismissed by her BECAUSE she was getting attention from Him that I have desperately been craving of late . I’ve been in a very submissive mindset lately.... needing to reconnect deeply with myself on that level. It makes me soft, pliable and loving. Like a kitten wrapping around His feet.
If you’ve made it this far... I’m sorry. It probably doesn’t make any sense to you. This is mostly for Him and a bit of a public confession, that I hope will be good for my soul. Though I’m sure my behavior will be addressed and I hope forgiven... and I can only embrace my imperfections and strive to be better.
