Am I broken, to internally flinch when I am told I am beautiful?
I know I am. Honestly, there are many who are. I do not think I am being a narcissist to think that I am a fairly attractive person. Or that I have enough self worth that I love myself, my mind, my weight, curves and all. I have worked hard on my appearance, been vigilant, and let's face it... gotten pretty lucky with the lottery of my parents meeting each other... Even though, I have 2 sisters, and again... I think I got pretty lucky. >.<
So is it, what's the word, shrill maybe? Of me to cringe internally when someone tells me how beautiful I am. How my eyes are like a window to my soul and so needy, while my smile lights up their world in its genuineness?
Because I do... I always have. Not for lack of confidence, but I want to be the book smart person who gets by on their attitude, not their attributes. Who is seen as smart, with a valid opinion and a keen head on her shoulders... not just a beautiful mane of shiny blonde hair.
Do I get my hair done? Yes. Do I wear makeup, yes. Do I strive to be the best first impression I can be, with my looks on point, yes... so why do I shy away, or think someone superficial, when the first thing, and sometimes the only thing, they notice about me is my looks... even the most innocent "you are beautiful" from a friend... makes me want to hide away. Feels so superficial, like you have no real compliment to give me.
How can I love myself in the mirror, in my mind... yet, whenever I go outside, into the real world, all I can think is how ugly I am or how shallow it is in this pool?
What does that mean?
