Is that not what we have been taught? If we believe in something, believe we are right. To fight. In the face of oppression, for dependence, self worth and equality: Fight.
So why wouldn't we take the same stance when fighting our internal battles?
That is what is on my mind today.
Where did this self indignation come from? How was this bred into us when we have seen over and over through history that we are most valuable helping others. That we progress and learn and thrive through uplifting, nurturing.
This is how I have come to see my personal demons. If you knew me, you might even be able to hear my voice when I say "Me and my demons, we hold hands. We walk together, and every once in a while, we have tea."
It wasn't always like that.
I fought. I pushed back, and I screamed! All in attempts to get the to leave. The embodiment of everything evil, both inside me, and what I had been subjected to in life. I hated them. They hated me. I laid broken and defeated in their wake. Ready to give up, give in. But I noticed something in those times of almost cutting the thread. It was silent... Where were they? So close to the edge, where were they to prompt me? To give me that breath of a push, tumbling me over the edge of finality. Why the eerie silence? When it would be so easy. I dared them to strike. Instead, they hushed. Waiting with baited breath for the decision I held in my hands. One that would affect us all. Waiting I wondered, to see if I could save us both? That is when I realized. In the darkness. They were a part of me, beaten back and abused. Turning them into what they have become. Staring with beady little eyes, peering from the shadowed forms they had become, the only form I had ever allowed them. Staring from the dark corners I had confined them to.
I embraced them, then. I gave them the floor to speak to me. Just to see what they had to say. And for a while, yes, the screamed back and fought me. Just as I had done to them for so long. But like even the most defiant of children, they tuckered themselves out. Then, I could listen.
Now, I listen often. They still speak to me always, almost daily. Telling me I should fear this, remember that, or join them in a slow descent into futility. I let them run their course. Some days I do join them in sorrow, self pity and hopelessness. But now I know, I can treat them as part of me. They won't drown me, they need me, and I am happy to have them. They make me smile, laugh and yes, cry.
Much like so many things in life. I thought that fighting tooth and nail because I didn't agree was the only way to get what I wanted. And like most things in life, I was taught a lesson. Some aren't so lucky. Some drown trying to fight the tide, fall victim to their inner demons or life struggles trying so hard to deny the lessons life is trying to show them. Never willing to just sit and have tea. I hope that this can help just one person who is struggling, because it gets better and adapting and embracing is terrifying, but fighting and resisting what you have been through, or where you are, is not the way.
Thank you for being here XoXo
~ Oracle
