First and foremost, if anything I ever write offends you or upsets you, please don't go all apesh*t and blaspheme and slander all over the board, ask me or talk to me, or tell me I pissed you off, because I can assure you that my offense wasn't intentional to any one person and if it did offend you, then maybe it hit a little too close to home.
Allow me to begin....
"With great power, comes great responsibility." - while this is generally attributed to Spider-Man, it is actually from William Lamb in 1817 whilst he was addressing the Parliament in an attempt to abolish Habeas Corpus, but I digress.
I have noticed here in the past few weeks and in the very short limited time I have been a member of this site that there are a lot of things happening in the background. I don't claim to know the ins and outs, nor do I really care to, just merely observations. I notice a lot of female subs "jumping ship" so to speak and when I see something like that, I have to wonder why. I have to ask what is happening that the women, and the type of women we Doms crave, are leaving in droves. So without conducting a full on investigation, I politely and discreetly asked around and to be honest, the replies were a little alarming. Mostly, because they were consistent across the board.
I have a theory that ties into this; oftentimes a man considers himself to be a Dom when he takes charge in the bedroom, or because he watched 50 Shades and thinks that this is the life he wants to live. He enjoys the power that comes from being in charge and dictatorial in nature. He relishes the fact that a woman will do his bidding at his whim. In essence, he has the most effed up sense of what it means to be a Dom. I am, of course, not speaking to all of you Doms out there, but sadly a larger group than most would like to admit. They like the IDEA of being a Dom, they like the concept of it. They like the stereotypical Hollywoodized version of what it means, or what they THINK it means. They have an idealized version in their heads of what this is and what it means. But they are also completely wrong.
Transversely, the women who are subs (and I can only speak to women subs), for the most part have not only the same idealized version in their heads as the Doms, but also have some very strong emotional factors to contend with. Subs, in general, crave attention, have self-esteem or self-worth issues and even oftentimes abandonment fears. I do not intend to demean anyone, nor put you in a box, just saying that, as a stereotype, these things exist.
Then also factor in the digital age and our sudden desire for instant gratification and the fact that its not "difficult" anymore to find someone who will shed clothing at the drop of a text, or who will "submit" at the merest wisp of attention. Far too many Doms have the mindset that if she won't do it, someone else will. Its become too easy.
Mix all that together and its a perfect storm of disaster waiting to happen.
It occurred to me as I was on this mission of discovery, that perhaps for those out there who only think that they want this lifestyle, and it IS a lifestyle, don't realize the impact they have or the consequences of their actions within the confines of this dynamic. I recently read "The Ten Rules of D/s" on a website containing essays on living in a virtual world and it intrigued me. While the author(s) are unkown, they make some very salient points that we should all remember; (I've truncated them to one-liners for the sake of brevity here)
1. Be Patient - do not become an Insta-Dom, nor an Insta-Sub. Building a relationship that requires trust, takes time.
2. Be Humble - do not be a braggart or boastful, you're only setting up unrealistic expectations
3. Be Open - both Dom and sub learn from each other, a Dom does not know it all (contrary to our own belief)
4. Be Honest - anything less and you have broken trust which is of paramount importance
5. Be Realistic - be aware of conditions and circumstances, in military jargon this is SA (situational awareness)
6. Be Sensitive - remember there are two humans interacting, not just 1's and 0's flying thru cyberspace
7. Be Genuine - do not try to force a square peg in a round hole (no pun intended)
8. Be Healthy - not only in body, but mind and spirit as well
9. Communicate - this can not be stressed enough, this is not a one-way street, ever.
10. Have fun - while this is serious, it doesn't have to be not fun
To quote one of the paragraphs, as I personally feel it is the MOST IMPORTANT;
Number 7 - Be Genuine
"Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images or macho stereotypes. Your Dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Have your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don’t shirk your responsibility to your submissive or to the creed of Dominants. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the Dominant role – now take it! "
In my most humblest of opinions, this, more than any other thing, should be the number one component that a Dom must remember. Above all else. It seems that this keeps being forgotten. Too many times I see or hear of Doms who promise the world to their sub and make promise after promise, whether it be to meet in real life, or move, or call, or even pay a bill. Then reality sets in and those empty promises, while possibly good intentioned, fall short, shattering your sub's view of you. Destroying the highly sought after trust you've established. Promising the moon and stars with no follow through means you have failed to be a good Dom, you have become unreliable. It is our duty to not cause emotional harm and where it might be that simply a plan fell through, or an unintended set of circumstances crept up, it is our responsibility, as Doms, to assuage that emotional harm and rectify the situation immediately. As I previously mentioned, behind all those 1's and 0's and pixels is a real human being, with feelings, fears, wants, fantasies and vulnerabilities. As Inera Pey mentions, "those who repeatedly strike at those vulnerabilites and who seek to exploit them are not good Dominants. They are abusers, pure and simple."
Being a Dom means many different things to many different people, but really, being a Dom is a learned skillset. It has to be nurtured and cultivated, like any other skillset. It is not hereditary or inborn. Have you cultivated your skillset lately, or have you just issued edicts to your sub(s) and demanded compliance and when it wasn't forthcoming as expected, moved on to the next one? Have you researched? Have you read? Have you sought the advice of others, even those who might be more experienced? Have you attended seminars? Workshops? (do they even have a TED talk for this?)
Someone is literally putting their lives in our hands, don't we owe it to them to be the absolute best we can be and to treat them with the dignity and respect that they deserve for allowing us (yes, allowing) us to be such an important person in their life? To not make empty promises? To not be dishonest? To not be disingenuous and most of all to not be an abuser of vulnerabilities? I think we do.
I am aware that many of the Doms reading this are saying to themselves, "I don't do that." or maybe even saying, "who the falala does this guy think he is?" But I challenge you to honestly examine yourself and admit your shortcomings, be honest about them and strive to improve them. We can all use a little introspection and cultivation in our respective skillsets.
To the subs reading this, shouldn't you expect the absolute best from your Dom? Shouldn't you, in your effort to please and satisfy your Dom, be honest about what it is that you want from the relationship? Shouldn't you want to blindly trust that what your Dom tells you is in fact, a fact. Shouldn't you want to bank on promises made? Most importantly, shouldn't you want to be a part of their growth and development and reap that reward, because in all honesty, we shouldn't do these things just for ourselves, we should be doing them for you too.
