Vetting VS topping from the bottom

I'm going to loose my mind if I see another post floating around the internet that by NOT providing aftercare is a red flag.

So many think that you will instantly get it after playing with no prior discussion. That is not the case.  Aftercare should be discussed during the vetting process.  Aftercare should be discussed during negotiations.  It needs to be talked about BEFORE you play!!!!

Aftercare is not the same for everyone.  Everyone is different in the type of care they want to receive.   For me personally,  throw a bottle of water at me and let me go because I'm like a 2 year old on a sugar high bouncing off walls.  Just need to make sure I'm not mowing the lawn at 2am naked.  Some like cuddles while some just want alone time with their favorite tunes.  Everyone is different including the Tops.  

Not all tops/Doms/Masters/Sadists provide Aftercare especially if they are not playing with a regular partner.   Some will even tell you that you will need to find someone else to provide it.  Whether it's another Dom or friend or Sub.   And that is OK.   Why it's so important to talk about it early on.  It's not a frickn red flag if they don't.   It doesn't make them fake, abuser or what other names they are called these days.  It might be a hard limit for them. Don't know unless you ask.

It is the responsibility of the bottom/sub to openly communicate what type of Aftercare they will be needing and if their play partner can provide it.  If they can't give you what you need then you need to make the decision if it's someone you want to play with.  Your choice...

Final thought.....

Don't complain what you didn't get if you didn't communicate what you needed.  Don't expect certain experiences that you didn't negotiate for.  

Vent over.....   

One of my biggest pet peeves is dealing with name droppers.  That annoying conversation where someone has to drop the name of everyone they know or have played with.   

When dropping names to impress in this lifestyle is just wrong wrong wrong.  I can understand it when in the vetting process but doing it to complete strangers is just creepy.  I wouldn't want my name escaping the lips of someone I barely know.  That is a flashing red flag.

I see those throwing names out across the internet to gain popularity off of those they know, riding the coattails off of the reputation of others.  They might gain popularity online but they will not be the first to be invited to private parties and events.

Loose lips sink ships, and your dinghy will be sunk.

I had some free time this past week and watched the 50 shades movies and then power read through the books.  First impression is that it was an adult version of Twilight but poorly written.  Same main characters..   looks and personality. I'll complain about the comparison another time on how the vanillas perceived each one.

In truth, I don't believe it was BDSM that had gotten so many panties wet.  It was the mind blowing sex.  Each sexual encounter that was described was new and exciting.  She was left satisfied and drained EVERY time.  We all know that in reality that doesn't happen and the majority of peoples sex lives are dull and boring.

Since the story line touched on BDSM and the kinkiness that leads to glorious sex, many had migrated over to the lifestyle to find this kind of satisfaction.  There was a tidal wave of newcomers searching for their Grey.   Not some rich guy, not someone controlling but someone that was skilled in the bedroom.  The freedom to experience new things, the excitement and being guaranteed a "O" every time.   They weren't looking to be a submissive or a slave, a Dom or a Master.  They just showed up for the sex and sex alone.

Now here we are with a water down version of what it once was.  The experienced players washed away back into the darkness as not to offend anyone.  Protocols are offensive and rules don't apply.  Groups and clubs closed their doors as the 50 shades seekers took over in their search of the big O.  Too many don't know the difference between good sex and the lifestyle so it's been blended into one as not to offend. 

The movie didn't ruin the lifestyle,  it was those that left the door open to be more inclusive, plus it gave the predators more chew toys because they pretended to be what the newbies seeked..   I could go on and on with examples but after reading the books, the changes we've experienced in the lifestyle do make sense.

The facts are there, that as humans we will tolerate bad behavior if the sex is good.  You really think Ana would have stayed if the sex was bad?  She would have been gone after his first tantrum.

Since nobody knows who I am on here, i need to let this out.

I just handed my group over to someone else and my last munch is this week.  My Fet account will vanish by the end of it.  It will be the last rope that needs to be cut that keeps me bound to the community.

I cannot be associated with people that find sex crimes as a "mistake " someone made and that it's forgivable, especially if it's against children.  Leaders and board members will defend those that commit these crimes.  One even stated that child porn is acceptable. 

This has been eating at me for awhile and it has broke me of wanting any involvement in the lifestyle.  It's an internal battle that is leaving so confused.  Today, I will walk away with my head held low, as I leave a part of me behind, but BDSM will never leave me because as a good friend once told me "it's in your blood and it defines who you are"

Just don't understand why there are so many shitty people that make this thing up as " community "

Whoa there, before you come any closer with the ropes and canes, there are some things I need to know first. Like how many are tied up in your basement? Chopped up in your freezer or buried in your backyard???
I get it.... Your kinky, I'm kinky so we should be the perfect match. Desirable, succulent kink all rolled into one sweaty hot mess. Kink should be the major factor that will hold us together, showing the world how compatible we are..... NOT!
See, I'm not one to jump head first into the pool without first checking to see if there is any water first. That beautiful swan dive into the pool wouldn't end so beautifully if the pool is empty and you end up a bloody mess. So leave the kink at the door and show who you really are. Are you honest, reliable and sane? Can you be trusted with my words? Do you listen when I speak or interrupt to correct me? Do your words make me cringe and question your intentions? Do I walk away with an uneasy feeling seeing red flags every where I look? Are you someone that leaves me smiling for the rest of day or questioning my self worth? Are you someone that I can be seen in public with without dreading someone might see us? Are you someone I can call as a friend?
I NEED to know who your vanilla side is BEFORE I ever trust the kinky side of you. I will not risk being the one who ends up at the bottom of the empty pool.