In trying to manage my expectations I find I need to, hmmm, how should I say?
Check myself before I wreck myself?
I cannot expect Adonis to manifest without presenting myself as Aphrodite.
But I will never be Aphrodite. I can improve myself, take photos in flattering light and angles, but none of that will hide my imperfections for long. I'll hide pieces of myself and blame it on insecurity.
Because of my job, my body type, and my personal proclivities I will never be the hypersexualized female. I have tomboyish tendencies and put priority on so many other things before fashion and the feminine form. I enjoy my body and my appearance well enough, but I fear that in this community there is a large emphasis on the femininity of a submissive. I do not fit that mold and am reluctant to change myself to conform to it. I want to feel sexy, desired and even gasp when I see myself in a dress, but those changes seem distant in comparison to other life decisions taking place.
I realize, of course, that there are bits of everyone that need improvement. In such an environment as this it's difficult to put stock into things other than appearance. It happens in my personal and professional life, as I'm sure it happens in the lives of others. Discriminating tastes, or discrimination in general can lead to false pretenses, misunderstood intentions, unjustified stereotypes and more than the simple phrase "hurt feelings."
I should also check my priviledge right here: a common phrase, but one that always needs to be addressed. I've done my share of judging others based on appearance. There's another common phrase uttered in the close circle I keep:
"Stereotyping is efficient."
It's a timesaver, being able to write someone off based on apperance alone. I understand the hypocritical nature of this post. Bear with me...
There's no such thing as a second impression. You may not be everyone's cup of tea. There's plenty of fish in the ocean---
Cliche. Overused. Often untrue.
Perhaps my naivety is showing again, perhaps I feel justified in thinking I deserve things I simply do not. Perhaps I really am that out of touch with this culture, let alone any cultural norms.
In navigating this sea I only find myself more and more in need of a map and manual. I'm not lost, I know where I am, but if I move from this spot I may just drown in my attempts to stay afloat in the tempestuous waters.
So I'll wait here a bit longer, and watch the world move around me. I'll take in and glean what I can from the bombardment of stimuli I face. I'll return to my own comforts and occasionally raise my white flag and blow my smoke signals asking for help and guidance.
My sensuality will lay dormant and surface in small ways. The gentle touch of luxurious fabrics, the small circles I will trace along my own skin and the images I will conjure will be my company. I'll gladly take and appreciate what is offered to me; tastes and temptations, urges and undeserved flattery. I will reciprocate, but I cannot lead myself from this position, not into these uncharted waters.
I understand that I ask for more than others might, that I am a risk to take on. I understand that no one, not even I can guarantee a happy ending to all of this.
But I also understand this:
Some risks pay off in the end. The calculated, thoughtfully executed risks can have great rewards.
Patience, Moxie... patience.
But I will dive in, head first, when the time is right.
Obligatory post script:
I'm overusing the water metaphor. I get it. You get it. It's got to be a subconscious thing. I'm thirsty in a sea of water around me, I feel overwhelmed, and I've been so goddamned wet lately thinking about the potential of this lifestyle.
