WADom4U Ramblings...

Ghosting

ghost·ing

[ˈɡōstiNG]

NOUN

1.  the appearance of a ghost or secondary image on a television or other display screen.

2.  the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

"I thought ghosting was a horrible dating habit reserved for casual flings" 

Why do people ghost someone?   I’m sure the reasons are as a numerous as the number of people that act this way.   We are all supposedly adults, you are legally an adult when you turn 18 years old.  But turning 18 doesn’t mean that you automatically act like an adult.   I’ve met some teenagers who act more like an adult then some adults who are well past double the legal age.   But the question remains, why is it so hard to tell someone you no longer wish to correspond with them?

I think in some cases that the individuals doing it are the all to numerous typical idiots, fakes, wannabes and children out there that we’ve all heard about and some of us have dealt with.   Subs will meet a Dom, start to correspond with him and ask a lot of questions (have you ever met a sub, experienced or a newbie, that didn’t ask a lot of questions?) and the wannabe Dom realizes he’s in over his head, doesn’t have the answers and just disappears.   Or maybe it’s the Dom who is chatting up a sub and He/She is asking questions that the sub should be able to answer, but suddenly they are late for a meeting, need to fix dinner, have another incoming call, whatever,… and they disappear.  This will, sadly, always be a problem with this lifestyle and we just have to put up with it, though passing on the names of such idiots might help for a short time.

I’ve heard complaints from both dominants and submissives of emails, messages and even phone calls going back and forth, and suddenly everything just comes to a screeching halt.  Why?   And before you go all bonkers over this, yes, it’s happened to me as well.   Not sure why they couldn’t just say “I’m moving on and wish you well.”

Some dominants have asked me if this ever happened to me, and I just admitted it has.   They ask why and I am never able to give them the answers and explanation they are seeking.  If I can’t figure it out when it happened to me, I’m surely going to struggle to figure out why it happened to you.  I don’t know what kind of exchanges or topics you shared between you, work related, family related, religious, sexual, your particular kink or fetishes, it could be a very long list of topics that the two of you shared and it could be any one or more of them that caused the other person to just up and leave.

But what amazes me even more is when a dominant does it!   Now, no, I am not holding dominants to a higher standard, though honestly I should.  As a dominant, you claim by right of that position or title that you are level headed, caring, loving and can act “responsibly’!  Suddenly ghosting some poor submissive you just started talking with and getting to know is not what I would call responsible behavior.  And if you do act that way, then the submissive will no doubt think ALL dominants act that way and I don’t want to be lumped in with all those fakes, idiots and wannabes!

So maybe as dominants we should be held to a higher standard.   Is it truly so hard to simply tell the other person honestly, that you don’t wish to communicate with them anymore and give them a reason?  At the very least tell them you don’t wish to talk to them anymore.  Failing to tell them why leaves them open to speculating and questioning themselves in the dark about what they might have done or said to make you leave.   By telling them the real reason behind not talking to them anymore, it can help them to fix what the problem is, if it is their own actions.   If it isn’t their own actions or words, then they can move on knowing that they are not the problem and that it may have just been circumstances or timing.

Either way, we need to start treating people as we want to be treated.  Start acting like the adults that we all are and not acting like the children we supposedly grew up from.

Okay, so you woke up this morning and decided you really want a Dominant (or a submissive).   After having your coffee (can’t search for a real Dominant or submissive without coffee!), you hop in your car and drive to the local store Dominants/submissives~R~Us and go inside.   You get to the Dominants/submissives aisle that has Dominants on one side and submissives on the other and you see lots of people standing there staring at the shelves.    It’s kinda like being in the breakfast cereal isle at the supermarket.  So many choices: (rice, corn wheat), tall, short, sadist, masochist or sensual, bondage, rope play, fire play, medical play…   You stand there a bit overwhelmed with your head spinning and just grab the nearest box and head for the checkout line muttering to yourself  “What the hell, I’ll keep the receipt and if I don’t like it, I’ll simply return it or exchange it for a different one!”

Why is it that dominants and submissives both go about finding a partner this way?   And what is worse in my opinion is that when the one they select doesn’t work out, they simply go back to the store and grab another one off the shelf in the hope that this one will be the right one?  **rolls his eyes at the shear volume of business at this store!**

I got a message from a woman recently who asked for some advice.   She must have liked what I said for she suggested I post my reply to her on my blog.   And since this subject keeps coming up over and over again and I keep getting emails from both dominants and submissives about this problem, I decided that maybe I should post something on this subject.   Now like other blogs and posts I’ve made, I’ll approach this from a dominant trying to find his submissive and her comments about the process she went through.   But the same applies when a submissive writes to a dominant and you have the same or similar problems with them.   The problems are universal and not restricted to just one side of the coin here.

You said the latest dominant you’ve been emailing with got on the crazy train and now you are rethinking what you are doing here.   One of the biggest mistakes I see slaves/submissives make is failing to take time to get to know and evaluate a potential Master/Dom. I generally spend about 6 months doing so but have taken up to 24 months with some women and situations.  Some people simply move to fast and fail to ask lots of questions and vet a potential candidate for a partner. If more people approached this as though it was a marriage and was going to cost them $50K to accept or offer a collar, I'm betting that they would take far more time and do a much better job of vetting the person they show interest in. **laughs hard** I know I would!

I truly believe that dominants and submissives should spend more time (especially in the beginning when they are new to both BDSM and the Dominant/submissive lifestyle (LS)) reading about the LS, getting to know people and asking questions.   Personally, I think this is a great plan and a very good thing to do.

If I was going to take up parachuting/skydiving, I would not just grab a parachute, strap it on my back, get on a plane and ride up to 15K feet and jump out in the hope that on the way down I could figure out how the damn thing worked, if it works at all, and hopefully open it before hitting the ground.   Parachuting/skydiving is a dangerous sport and without the proper training and practice you are risking your life.   Hey folks, I’ve got a news flash for you…   Once you are tied up or tied down, your life is quite literally in someone else’s hands and if you didn’t take the time to learn before jumping, then you can expect the same result as our skydiver.   Oh, and by the way, that submissive you have strapped to the St. Andrews cross or spanking bench... if you haven't been trained and don't know how to use that flogger, paddle, whip, crop, etc., the submissive will suffer bruises at best and severe lacerations requiring stitches at worst!

I often explain to both Dominants and submissives that you have to get into your partner's head if you want to capture their body. The brain is where it all starts and if you can't do that, then you may as well stick with being vanilla. BDSM and Domination/submission is all about the mind and communication. If you can't communicate well, honestly, and openly with each other and explain what you want, need, crave and desire, then the relationship is bound to fail and is doomed from the start. And it is NOT a one-way street! ! ! That advice applies to the Doms as well. They need to do that as well. If they refuse or fail to do so, dump them like last weeks trash. They are simply not worth your time and energy.

When you are beginning the process of finding a dominant, no real dominant will demand you do _______ ! You do not belong to them yet. Guys that do that are perfect examples of fakes and wannabes.   And if you hesitate, ask them questions or ask them to explain why they want you to do that and they tell you that "no real submissive would refuse to obey a Dominant so you are not a real submissive" are full of _____. Real Dominants know that new people to the LS need time to learn, grow and ask questions and they fully expect that. It is the fakes, game players, horny net geeks, nude picture collectors and wannabe Doms that use those heavy handed tactics.  These actions are sure fire RED flags and you should report them to the web site monitors and block them. It simply isn't worth your time and aggravation over stupid people.

Dump Mr crazy train. Your instincts and gut feelings are right. A real Dominant would encourage you to talk to other dominants,  slaves/submissives and ask lots and lots of questions.  Real dominants are open and honest and give you the time and space you need to learn and make a well informed decisions on who you want to begin getting to know. Fake Doms are scared shitless you will find out they are fakes and don't know what they are talking about, so they strive to control you immediately. "OMG, what if she comes back and asks me a question about something that I have no clue about and don't know the answer to? She'll discover I'm a fake and wannabe and I'll lose her ! ! !" And you know something... NONE OF US, including the real Doms know everything about everything! I know a lot about a lot of things, but I am not an expert in everything, no one is. When a real Dom doesn't know something he'll probably tell you "that’s a good question, but honestly I don't know the answer to that. Let me do some research and talk to some other Dominants and I'll see if I can get an answer for you."

So please folks take this seriously.   Male or female, Master/Dom/Domme, slave/submissive… we are all tired of the fakes, idiots and game players.   Don’t be the one who rushes into the store and just grabs the first one you see because you are late for work, play, or laying on the beach getting a tan.   Take the time to get to know your prospective partner, ask lots of questions, enjoy the journey and process, that is part of the fun of this LS.   I promise you, that if you do, you will be much happier and have fewer returns or exchanges at the store!

Yes, virginia, there really are profiles out there that are blank or almost blank and it does make it hard to know if the person is a serious Dom/Domme slave/submissive or another wannabe.

Okay, so I keep being asked mostly by subs, but even a few Doms, about partially completed or nearly blank profiles and should that be a red flag.  Questions are always good.  That is how we learn and grow.   If a profile has very little information, that, in "my" opinion, it is a red flag.   If a profile is nearly blank, I just skip over it and move on to someone who tells me all about themselves.  If the members profile shows they just joined in the last week or two, I might send them a welcome message and tell them I am looking forward to reading their profile once it is completed.  (HINT HINT)

Whether it is a dominant or submissive, if the person is serious about being here and looking for a partner then why didn't they fill out their profile completely?   Here are my biggest pet peeves with a submissive's profile and why.   Understand, I’m a Dom, so I don’t spend any time reading another Doms profile unless they ask me to and want my opinion on what they wrote.  Then I am happy to help offer suggestions if needed.   But what I write below, can just as easily be applied to Dom profiles for submissives looking for their One:

Location:  United States - Really???   That is all you want to give me?   I live in Seattle, Washington and if you are in Miami, Florida we are not going to meet up for coffee and get to know one another.   I can't and won't be moving where I live, so unless you are: a) rich and can afford to fly here often or b) willing to move here and see if we like each other and are compatible, it simply isn't going to work.  At the very least put down the nearest major city to where you live and your state.

Age -  I'm 65 yo, I don't want a woman who is younger then my daughter (37) as my slave, I don't care how great a body you have or how submissive you think you are.  That would just be creepy.   Based on your age and the age of the other person, some don't want someone to old, some don't want someone to young.   So state your damn age up front.   It's not like they won't find out when you meet up and they see you for the first time!   The same is true when the profile asks for weight and the entry is left blank.   If you are a BBW say so.  They will find out when you meet in person anyway so you may as well just say so up front and be done with it.

And the other fields, About me, BDSM and me, and Limits -  If they are serious about looking for a partner then I would expect them to list their experience:  is it all online, have they any real world experience, if so what specifically;  do they have any real world dungeon experience - meaning public play.   Some people don't or can't play in a public environment due to their job (CEO, public figure - radio/TV broadcaster, police, doctor, politician, etc.), fear (being naked in front of others not their Dom).

Next do they list their interests, fetishes and proclivities:  Do they enjoy Daddy Doms/little girl play, are they a sadist (or masochist if submissive), do they enjoy rough sex or are they more a sensual dominant or submissive.  Do they enjoy medical play, gynecological play or needles.   Do they enjoy animals, or furries (dressing up like a kitten), do they enjoy impact play?   And what is their level of experience with each of the areas that they list?

The whole purpose of filling out the profile is to tell other's, be they dominants or submissives, what you enjoy and want to do or what you do not want to do, so you can identify a partner that might fulfill those needs.   So a dominant needs to fill out his/her profile just as thoroughly to help submissives weed out those that don't match their kinks and interests.

This whole process is a dance and I want a good dance partner, one that doesn't step on my toes, kick me in the shins or is unable to follow my lead.   If you are a woman, I imagine you don't want a partner they steps on your toes or foot and crushes it sending you to the hospital at worst, or to sit out the rest of the night with ice on your foot at best.   You want a partner they will lead you around the dance floor and show you all his/her moves and leave you smiling at the end of the song and wanting to dance to the next song.

There is nothing wrong with being skittish, you should be.   If something just doesn't feel right they be wary and move slowly.   Look at the date joined.   If it is in the last week or two, maybe they simply haven't had time to fill out their profile completely.   If they've been here for months and it still includes little then yes, I would wonder why.  In my case, I just pass over them, their loss.  There are LOTS of profiles and people on here, I'll find the one I want.

Yes, I do apply the above techniques to the submissives that message me.   Yes, I've said most if not all of the above things to all of them when I see their profile is almost nonexistent and offered the suggestion that they update their profile if they are serious about looking for someone.   I try to help where and when I can.   You can lead a horse to water, but if you whip him he'll run away and you have a long walk back to the barn!  lol

I decided I'm feeling a bit sadistic today and thought...  What I need today is a masochistic submissive or slave who loves being tortured.  What do I have in mind?   Strip her naked, lay her out spread eagle on the dining room table, and cover her entire body in cold whipped cream!   Then lick it all off, very, very slowly.   And when she finally gets done complaining, whimpering and crying about being so cold...  I'll cover her body in hot wax! ! !

It's good to be a Dom.  **grins**