Okay, so you woke up this morning and decided you really want a Dominant (or a submissive). After having your coffee (can’t search for a real Dominant or submissive without coffee!), you hop in your car and drive to the local store Dominants/submissives~R~Us and go inside. You get to the Dominants/submissives aisle that has Dominants on one side and submissives on the other and you see lots of people standing there staring at the shelves. It’s kinda like being in the breakfast cereal isle at the supermarket. So many choices: (rice, corn wheat), tall, short, sadist, masochist or sensual, bondage, rope play, fire play, medical play… You stand there a bit overwhelmed with your head spinning and just grab the nearest box and head for the checkout line muttering to yourself “What the hell, I’ll keep the receipt and if I don’t like it, I’ll simply return it or exchange it for a different one!”
Why is it that dominants and submissives both go about finding a partner this way? And what is worse in my opinion is that when the one they select doesn’t work out, they simply go back to the store and grab another one off the shelf in the hope that this one will be the right one? **rolls his eyes at the shear volume of business at this store!**
I got a message from a woman recently who asked for some advice. She must have liked what I said for she suggested I post my reply to her on my blog. And since this subject keeps coming up over and over again and I keep getting emails from both dominants and submissives about this problem, I decided that maybe I should post something on this subject. Now like other blogs and posts I’ve made, I’ll approach this from a dominant trying to find his submissive and her comments about the process she went through. But the same applies when a submissive writes to a dominant and you have the same or similar problems with them. The problems are universal and not restricted to just one side of the coin here.
You said the latest dominant you’ve been emailing with got on the crazy train and now you are rethinking what you are doing here. One of the biggest mistakes I see slaves/submissives make is failing to take time to get to know and evaluate a potential Master/Dom. I generally spend about 6 months doing so but have taken up to 24 months with some women and situations. Some people simply move to fast and fail to ask lots of questions and vet a potential candidate for a partner. If more people approached this as though it was a marriage and was going to cost them $50K to accept or offer a collar, I'm betting that they would take far more time and do a much better job of vetting the person they show interest in. **laughs hard** I know I would!
I truly believe that dominants and submissives should spend more time (especially in the beginning when they are new to both BDSM and the Dominant/submissive lifestyle (LS)) reading about the LS, getting to know people and asking questions. Personally, I think this is a great plan and a very good thing to do.
If I was going to take up parachuting/skydiving, I would not just grab a parachute, strap it on my back, get on a plane and ride up to 15K feet and jump out in the hope that on the way down I could figure out how the damn thing worked, if it works at all, and hopefully open it before hitting the ground. Parachuting/skydiving is a dangerous sport and without the proper training and practice you are risking your life. Hey folks, I’ve got a news flash for you… Once you are tied up or tied down, your life is quite literally in someone else’s hands and if you didn’t take the time to learn before jumping, then you can expect the same result as our skydiver. Oh, and by the way, that submissive you have strapped to the St. Andrews cross or spanking bench... if you haven't been trained and don't know how to use that flogger, paddle, whip, crop, etc., the submissive will suffer bruises at best and severe lacerations requiring stitches at worst!
I often explain to both Dominants and submissives that you have to get into your partner's head if you want to capture their body. The brain is where it all starts and if you can't do that, then you may as well stick with being vanilla. BDSM and Domination/submission is all about the mind and communication. If you can't communicate well, honestly, and openly with each other and explain what you want, need, crave and desire, then the relationship is bound to fail and is doomed from the start. And it is NOT a one-way street! ! ! That advice applies to the Doms as well. They need to do that as well. If they refuse or fail to do so, dump them like last weeks trash. They are simply not worth your time and energy.
When you are beginning the process of finding a dominant, no real dominant will demand you do _______ ! You do not belong to them yet. Guys that do that are perfect examples of fakes and wannabes. And if you hesitate, ask them questions or ask them to explain why they want you to do that and they tell you that "no real submissive would refuse to obey a Dominant so you are not a real submissive" are full of _____. Real Dominants know that new people to the LS need time to learn, grow and ask questions and they fully expect that. It is the fakes, game players, horny net geeks, nude picture collectors and wannabe Doms that use those heavy handed tactics. These actions are sure fire RED flags and you should report them to the web site monitors and block them. It simply isn't worth your time and aggravation over stupid people.
Dump Mr crazy train. Your instincts and gut feelings are right. A real Dominant would encourage you to talk to other dominants, slaves/submissives and ask lots and lots of questions. Real dominants are open and honest and give you the time and space you need to learn and make a well informed decisions on who you want to begin getting to know. Fake Doms are scared shitless you will find out they are fakes and don't know what they are talking about, so they strive to control you immediately. "OMG, what if she comes back and asks me a question about something that I have no clue about and don't know the answer to? She'll discover I'm a fake and wannabe and I'll lose her ! ! !" And you know something... NONE OF US, including the real Doms know everything about everything! I know a lot about a lot of things, but I am not an expert in everything, no one is. When a real Dom doesn't know something he'll probably tell you "that’s a good question, but honestly I don't know the answer to that. Let me do some research and talk to some other Dominants and I'll see if I can get an answer for you."
So please folks take this seriously. Male or female, Master/Dom/Domme, slave/submissive… we are all tired of the fakes, idiots and game players. Don’t be the one who rushes into the store and just grabs the first one you see because you are late for work, play, or laying on the beach getting a tan. Take the time to get to know your prospective partner, ask lots of questions, enjoy the journey and process, that is part of the fun of this LS. I promise you, that if you do, you will be much happier and have fewer returns or exchanges at the store!
