And yet I am still traumatized by the experience I had with my previous dom. It certainly doesn't help that he is now harassing me. Using things that have meaning to me against me.
I have been doing things to move on from what happened...(see previous blog post)... and I have been doing alot of self-love and things. And it seems that every time I get to a spot where I think I am going to be ok he pops up. He ruins the little bubble I put around myself. Any time I feel safe and secure for the first time in months, any time I finally start believing I am worth something this person strolls along with a fucking smile on his face and tells me I am worthless. That I have an ugly soul. As a sub it is hard not to fall in to the submissive role with this person. He brain washed me. And I am still trying to dig his claws out of me. Every single time I get to the point where I think I will be ok, where I finally stop thinking about suicide, he shows up and reminds me what a horrid piece of trash I am.
I know this isn't the spot for these thoughts. But this is someone I placed my absolute trust in. I put my very soul in his hands and to have him manipulate that in a way.... and somehow turn things around on me and tell me I'M the bad guy. I don't know that fucks me up!! It makes me not want to be a submissive and that hurts because... that's who I am...
I don't know. I'm on and off this website. I do my healing but whenever I need to vent about what happened I come here and the people here are so kind. I don't think he is on this website. If he was I would be far too scared to make any posts about what happened. Anyways, I've gone out of my way to make sure he couldn't find me on social media and yet somehow he did. I had to delete an account and that hurts.. I am an artist. And he is using my art against me. Which I think is the most fucked up thing someone could do. If he showed up at my house and punched me in the face I still wouldn't think it was as fucked up as him using my fucking PASSION against me. I am sitting here crying because now I have to hide my art from the world because I got in bed with a narcissistic fucking psycho. Because I actually decided to TRUST someone and...... -sigh- I could go on for awhile but I won't... I've said enough... I am just so so tired of this all. I'm at my ropes end... this person got into my head and now I believe everything he said about me... I am a worthless piece of shit.."next time you cut yourself I hope you go deep enough and hit a vein"..... what a twisted way to love someone huh?
