but I truly have no where else to write it. I could just write it in my journal and be done with it but I guess I need someone.. anyone to see my thoughts and pretend to care.
I personally struggle with depression, self hate and self harm. I often think of suicide. I was in a dom/sub relationship recently. My first one. Ever. It was his first ever too. He had never been a dom and I was his first sub.
At first I thought it was beautiful. I thought we were soulmates. That I had found the man I had been dreaming of for years. He was protective. He was territorial. He told me I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He told me my pussy was the best he ever had.. taste and feeling. It seemed like he truly cared about me.
Until he didn’t get what he wanted. Now, I understand that in a dom/sub relationship the dom should get what he wants. But I had set my limits. I had told him my boundaries. And he had told me his. I never stepped over his lines. But he constantly stepped on mine and when I would get upset about it he would turn cruel. Crazy cruel. And I just continued to think... this isn’t how a dom should treat his sub. He told me it was mental punishment. That’s why he would be cruel. But my gut and instincts told me “NO! Your dom shouldn’t treat you this way” Especially if this person is telling you that they love you. Why would they not respect your boundaries and use your own deepest darkest thoughts against you?
An example? I had told him several times that I think I am a worthless piece of shit. That I don’t deserve to live on this planet. A waste of breath. When he didn’t get his way he actually said to me once “you are a worthless piece of shit.” Another time he told me.. maybe he would add to my cuts and slice me himself. He threatened me quite a bit. I stayed out of fear.
The last time we saw each another I was terrified. I cried the entire drive to his house. When I got there, tears on my face he strapped me down and I just lost it. I refused. But he still wanted sex. So I didn’t say yes, but I didn’t say no. And I cried while he had his way. I look back on that day now and I am ashamed. I am disgusted. And I look back on that last time and I cry. Because I thought I had found the man of my dreams and he ended up being.... something entirely different. I began to think he was a narcissist.
Anyways, this deeply personal post is going to end now because I think I said too much and who will care anyway? I am at a point in my life where I am convinced I am completely undeserving of having what I want in life, love, sex. I am struggling and I am fighting to survive but the demons are bigger and the demons are darker.
-no one special
