Thoughts

And yet I am still traumatized by the experience I had with my previous dom. It certainly doesn't help that he is now harassing me. Using things that have meaning to me against me. 

I have been doing things to move on from what happened...(see previous blog post)... and I have been doing alot of self-love and things. And it seems that every time I get to a spot where I think I am going to be ok he pops up. He ruins the little bubble I put around myself. Any time I feel safe and secure for the first time in months, any time I finally start believing I am worth something this person strolls along with a fucking smile on his face and tells me I am worthless. That I have an ugly soul. As a sub it is hard not to fall in to the submissive role with this person. He brain washed me. And I am still trying to dig his claws out of me. Every single time I get to the point where I think I will be ok, where I finally stop thinking about suicide, he shows up and reminds me what a horrid piece of trash I am. 

I know this isn't the spot for these thoughts. But this is someone I placed my absolute trust in. I put my very soul in his hands and to have him manipulate that in a way.... and somehow turn things around on me and tell me I'M the bad guy. I don't know that fucks me up!! It makes me not want to be a submissive and that hurts because... that's who I am... 

I don't know. I'm on and off this website. I do my healing but whenever I need to vent about what happened I come here and the people here are so kind. I don't think he is on this website. If he was I would be far too scared to make any posts about what happened. Anyways, I've gone out of my way to make sure he couldn't find me on social media and yet somehow he did. I had to delete an account and that hurts.. I am an artist. And he is using my art against me. Which I think is the most fucked up thing someone could do. If he showed up at my house and punched me in the face I still wouldn't think it was as fucked up as him using my fucking PASSION against me. I am sitting here crying because now I have to hide my art from the world because I got in bed with a narcissistic fucking psycho. Because I actually decided to TRUST someone and...... -sigh-  I could go on for awhile but I won't... I've said enough... I am just so so tired of this all. I'm at my ropes end... this person got into my head and now I believe everything he said about me... I am a worthless piece of shit.."next time you cut yourself I hope you go deep enough and hit a vein"..... what a twisted way to love someone huh? 

but I truly have no where else to write it. I could just write it in my journal and be done with it but I guess I need someone.. anyone to see my thoughts and pretend to care. 

I personally struggle with depression, self hate and self harm. I often think of suicide. I was in a dom/sub relationship recently. My first one. Ever. It was his first ever too. He had never been a dom and I was his first sub. 

At first I thought it was beautiful. I thought we were soulmates. That I had found the man I had been dreaming of for years. He was protective. He was territorial. He told me I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He told me my pussy was the best he ever had.. taste and feeling. It seemed like he truly cared about me. 

Until he didn’t get what he wanted. Now, I understand that in a dom/sub relationship the dom should get what he wants. But I had set my limits. I had told him my boundaries. And he had told me his. I never stepped over his lines. But he constantly stepped on mine and when I would get upset about it he would turn cruel. Crazy cruel. And I just continued to think... this isn’t how a dom should treat his sub. He told me it was mental punishment. That’s why he would be cruel. But my gut and instincts told me “NO! Your dom shouldn’t treat you this way” Especially if this person is telling you that they love you. Why would they not respect your boundaries and use your own deepest darkest thoughts against you? 

An example? I had told him several times that I think I am a worthless piece of shit. That I don’t deserve to live on this planet. A waste of breath. When he didn’t get his way he actually said to me once “you are a worthless piece of shit.” Another time he told me.. maybe he would add to my cuts and slice me himself. He threatened me quite a bit. I stayed out of fear. 

The last time we saw each another I was terrified. I cried the entire drive to his house. When I got there, tears on my face he strapped me down and I just lost it. I refused. But he still wanted sex. So I didn’t say yes, but I didn’t say no. And I cried while he had his way. I look back on that day now and I am ashamed. I am disgusted. And I look back on that last time and I cry. Because I thought I had found the man of my dreams and he ended up being.... something entirely different. I began to think he was a narcissist. 

Anyways, this deeply personal post is going to end now because I think I said too much and who will care anyway? I am at a point in my life where I am convinced I am completely undeserving of having what I want in life, love, sex. I am struggling and I am fighting to survive but the demons are bigger and the demons are darker. 

-no one special 

I've been doing some light reflection on things. I said in one of my earlier posts that I need to do some self-care/love before anything else in regards to submission. So I've been on pinterest a lot lately. Looking up routines, self-care/love things, affirmations. It is cathartic almost. 

I see some things about it that interest me; sleeping 6-8 hrs, meditate, eat well, work out, journal, do things for you, etc. 

I read all of these things and I just think... damn... I just need to take care of myself! I don't think I have ever done that in my 27 years of life. I focus on the ones around me. But no body has focused on me. Then the emotions attached to that comes through (lonliness, bitterness, etc). I need to let those feelings go, because in all honesty that shit has made me strong. I can be alone. I can handle my shit on my own. Though it would be nice knowing someone out there cared enough to focus on me for once. Kind of why I have such terrible self-worth. 

But... with self-love I need to let go of that. Because I need to love myself without any one else's approval or love. I am who I am and I need to stop telling myself I am a waste of breath and totally worthless. Sometimes those demons get loud though. All of those things I listed above though, should shut those demons up. Right? 

Anyways, I had seen some things on here because I read others' blog posts (it's all so interesting!) and I had some questions. Well, only two at the moment because I had a list going in my head and I lost that list. hah! 

• What is subspace exactly? 
• How can a sub/dom relationship exist without love? Does that even happen?

I asked that last question in my last blog post but didn't get much answers. I also wonder, because I am shy... I read but I don't comment on others blogs. Should I start coming out of my shell? Maybe that will help with my un-ending lonliness. Well, I suppose that's it for this. 

Forever daydreaming of my future dom. 

-just me

I have been thinking a lot lately, about who I am as a sub and what I want in a dom. It makes me wonder if the man I want is actually out there, or if I have too high of standards. Now... I haven't been doing any looking so of course he could be out there but I have doubts. Those doubts could also be tied to my self-worth (which is very very low). 

Amyways, what do I want in a dom? (at least right now - I imagine the more I think about it the more I will discover) But right now, I know I want a dom who is protective, loving, romantic, patient, compassionate, empathetic, territorial, loyal. Seems pretty cliche I suppose.

Protective, in every sense of the word. I (obviously) need to feel safe. To put it in dramatic words... someone who would kill to protect me. (clearly not really... but you get the sentiment). Protective in the sense that they would ensure I could protect myself. Protective with my emotions as well.I struggle with mental health issues and do not want any of that used against me. I could go on.. but I'll move on. 

Loving and romantic - I have actually been curious about this aspect. How do you keep love out of it? I have read that there are some dom/sub relationships out there that are not romantic. For me at least I don't see how that is possible. Because for me... a deep connection needs to be established for this type of relationship to be successful. Am I wrong? Don't want to anger people with my ignorance in regards to this but I am still learning, so please tell me. 

Patient, because I am not an easy person. I have issues. I am aware of my issues. And I am aware that I will need someone patient to handle me. Not only because of my mental health but because I am new to this. I am still finding the sub inside of me and I don't want a dom who will get cruel because the part of me that has been burying my sub side has come to the surface. Does that make sense? Anyways, I have experienced that before and it makes me feel like... certain things. 

Compassionate, empathetic... I say this because of my mental health again so I will not dive into this any further. 

Territorial, because I like the idea of my dom not liking any other man with me, looking at me, hitting on me etc. It's just sexy. If he isn't territorial I feel like he wouldn't want me, because to me it's like he doesn't care. 

Anyways, I feel as if I have rambled again. I want to edit and edit and edit the crap out of this to fit what I want to say but I am keeping this the way it is because I guess un-edited, it is.... me. Not terribly happy with this blog post because I got distracted while writing so I rushed near the end here but oh well. It is what it is.

-me

hello everyone. Happy Monday? Are Mondays ever happy? (Hah!) Well for me it is. I have the day off. Though I am getting hit with a cold so my voice is borderline gone and my head is pounding and my body is exhausted. Gives me time to ponder self-love. 

I need to do better at it. I am so used to the demons in my head telling me I am worthless, undeserving, waste of space and air etc. I need to learn to turn those demons off and take care of ME more. Because how can I give my power away to a dom that is deserving if I don't hold any power over my own thoughts? 

My first act of self love has been joining this community. Fully embracing that this is who I am. A submissive. And blogging. Because I've had wonderful people actually read what I am writing and commenting on it. Telling me to change my name because YES I am special and that makes my heart just absolutely burst with love and good feels. You are all SO KIND and show me that not all people are bad. Makes me think that maybe I can actually meet and have friendships with people who are just as giving and loving and kind as me. That I am not alone! and I think that is why joining this community is something I consider a first step towards self love. 

Anyways. Thanks for that. I've only been here for a few days and I already appreciate the people on here. Thanks for being good people. 

-someone special 

I am sitting here watching the sunrise before I have to start getting ready for work. It makes me think. Though I am always thinking... my head never turns off. 

Who am I as a submissive? How can I find her beneath the layers of life? I am 27. I have been through much and my submissive is buried under all of it. My last post I received many encouraging words that made me smile, as well as advice from others and I can't thank you all enough for it. Because of it I am ready to move forward with things. Move forward with discovering more of my submission. I know who I am (to a degree - I am still young after all) and I know submission is what I desire. Because I desire serving. Through out my life I have given, given, and given some more. I have been taken advantage of and drained because of it. I had never asked or expected anything in return but of course it hurt when I never got anything back. It's exhausting. It makes me cautious. It makes me not particularly like.... people. I am a lone wolf (that gives me an idea for a new nickname. Yes I will change it, per everyone's advice. Just need to find the right one)

I desire serving, I desire being wrapped around his (whoever he may be) finger. I desire pleasing and caring and loving. I also desire getting it back in return (to a degree. I am a sub after all... I get what he thinks I deserve). I desire worshipping someone as if they are my one and only god. I also desire being worshipped in return for it. Being worshipped for giving my power away. 

Perhaps wanting to be worshipped is a little dramatic. But previous relationships and the gross amount of neglect have shown me what I DON'T want. But wanting to worship is certainly definitely a strong desire. Natural to me. 

So my tasks for myself. Think on this more. Think on who I am as a submissive and discover more of her. Also think on what I desire to have in dom. Perhaps that will be my next post. 

I rambled. I apologize. Now I have to get ready for work. Good day everyone. 

-no one special (though maybe a little special haha)

I am a submissive. I am a new submissive. I am also a woman who has been abused, both emotionally and physically. As a submissive, how does one overcome the past? How do I take punishments both physical and mental without getting ptsd? How do I take punishment without telling myself I am worthless?

I enjoy spanking. That is a form of punishment I know is not abuse. But, with my past, with the abuse and the massive amounts neglect, my self-worth issues are glaring. 

Do I find the right dom? What... who is... the right dom for me? How do I overcome the past? Just thoughts and questions I've been asking myself.