Accessional diary of a dyslexic dom.

Poop girl just messaged me back with the word (or is it even a ward) OK. To recap: she sent me a message that did not really say anything, I responded by trying to draw her out a bit, she responded with scat fantasy. I replied explaining that this is not for me. She replied OK. Finally I replied saying I do not know what that means.

I am still prepared to see how it goes with her, however I am not sure if I can develop a meaningful, long term, relationship with someone once I have taken to calling her poop girl. Will keep you poasted or maybe not.

So I have been talking (on a different site) to some very weird girls. One was into poop and rape play, the other liked race play. I had to say definitely no to all three kinks. I am not kink shaming. I firmly believe that everyone should do anything that they want, (within limits that I assume we all know). I am just saying that these things are not for me. Haven't heard from either of them since and, for once, I am quite relieved about that.

As well as that I think they were both interested in online verbal abuse. I can do this and, once in a while I quite enjoy it, but, is it just me or are people who like to be verbally abused really quite selfish? I mean they do not seem to contribute much in return (for the abuse). 

Ow well, I suppose I will just go on looking. Every time I say I am going to stop I kind of just get dragged back in.

Haiku:

I go on looking

hope will not leave me alone

optimism for ever

The last line is one word too long but what the hell.

For solitary social misfits like me special accessions can take on a rather scary and perplexing quality. I can celebrate, to about the same extent, any time I want. That is to say I can; have a meal with friends, get a massage, go for a walk, sleep in, do nothing all day and so on, any time I want. However you can not unthink a thought. Once I think what should I do on (mainly birthdays and Christmas) then I am stuck with the thought. I can no longer do nothing, I would have to DO nothing. I could not just relax on the Sofer; I would have to use a great amount of energy pinning my self down to the Sofer, and would end the day exorsted from DOING nothing, and probably in a state of miserable depression.

Then, however, whatever I do will seem irrelevant. I have had 57 birthdays. What is another one more or less? On top of all that, anything I do I have to organise. I do not like organising even simple, and if I organise it badly then it will go badly and I will end up depressed again.

On top of that I have been angry with birthdays, since my late twenties, because they are responsible for making me older. At a stretch 57 can be regarded as mid 50s. 58 is nearly 60! and there is no way in which 60 can be thought of as just over middle aged!

Do I feel old? A lot of the time I forget my age, and the rest of the time I do not know how I am supposed to behave. Actually I feel too tired to write any more. I think I will call this part 1, and maybe write some more tomorrow. 

Last night I took a pill. I slept like a log, but recently I only seem to sleep with the aid of drugs. One of my paintings went horribly wrong. I was excited, for a while about painting but that just suddenly seemed to evaporate. 

Mostly, when I look, I find women who are dominant or are seeking other women. Even if I did find someone I don't know if I have anything left to put into it. Domination is hard work, I expect, at the moment I am just too tired.

Everything seems like a chore

haiku.

tiredness takes me 

everything seems like a chore

Fuck the washing up

I can not even be bothered to write a proper third line at the moment. Maybe it will come to me later.

A small green thing is hanging out in my kitchen. It looks a bit like a cricket but I don't think it is. It is a very strange shade of green and I have not seen it jump. I left the window open but it does not seem to want to leave.

So it seems that me and (I will call her) B are friends again. There is no discussion of what we fell out over and probably best just to leave it. We have tried talking, and we have tried not talking and nether work, but for the moment we are friends again.

We walked to where a very old couple were selling free range eggs, and then we had coffee / tea in a hotel. We talked about books and the meaning off . . . Stuff. It was quite pleasant and good to have someone to talk to for a change.

My search for a submissive lady makes no progress however.

Fed up, and it's too hot to sleep, but I think I will try anyway.

I suppose it might be just me but I am sure that I see an increasing number of increasingly angry (mostly) male doms who seem to feel more and more that the gods of online dating really should provide them, at minimum, with regular, real life, blow jobs. Coupled with the women who feel that we (men) should learn some manners and stop thinking that submissive means property of everyone. Everyone is angry with the catfish and recurrent ghosters which, as everyone could be a catfish or ghoster, means that everyone is angry with every one ells.

Maybe it has just been one of those days; earlier, on a different site, I came across possibly the angriest and rudest man ever. You probably had to be there but an example of his rhetoric went like this:

Not going to follow this whiney thread because it works both ways. There are men who are thirsty, hungry, unscrupulous pursuers of women  and there are women who are lying, ghosting, dramatic, waste of time losers too. I was talking to one who was talking to me in case her current dom dumped her, so she had a backup , another married doctor, now a stay at home mom, whose husband works his ass off so she can sit at home and get her ass beat by her dom. It works both ways. Before you point fingers to the men on here, consider that there are 10 to 1 men to women on this cesspool, and it is damn hard to find a woman who isn't a drama-queen, dismissive, lying, ghosting piece of crap. Goodbye.

I think there is a point berried somewhere in there, but I have no idea what it was. I looked at his profile, he thought that all women on the site were "evil", seriously! (I realise that I should not really be sharing this but, it had to be read to be believed, also he was such a dick that he really did not deserve much consideration. I changed quite a lot). Another man on the same discussion described men as massively disadvantaged when it came to romance.

Later I read a Post in which a women asked what could be done about creepy and dangerous men. As all ways no one had an answer.

Perhaps most bizarrely someone asked who would refund him for time wasted on these sites (No, sorry, no refunds).

Of cause I know how every one feels. I have been ghosted six times in the last two months. It is soul destroying, I suspect that the rise of the female, hetro dom has not helped (from are point of view I mean). Not only are there ten thousand men chasing seven women but increasingly the girls are pairing up with each other. We (again men) are not too far from being cut out all together. Even siting on the washing machine does not work for us!

but I do insist that we (men) might have every right to vent, but we have no right to demand or expect any different. Maybe we expected to find a bevy of 22 year old nubile college students quing outside are bed room doors, but it is not the girls fault that it did not tern out like that. Similarly they did not expect the liars, creeps and bullies who dominate these sites. 

Sorry I can not think of a proper ending. I feel that more and more people are getting more and more angry, but maybe that is just the modern world, and in any case, no one knows what to do about it all.

As all ways, spelling, garbled etc. Also I might well have offended a lot of people. Sorry but sometimes I just get tired of trying not to offend.

I think I need a break from just searching, from constant hope and disappointment. The trouble is I keep getting pulled back in. (On a different site, I really only use this site to write blogs and find useful information) I sent someone a message, just to offer advice and encouragement, but then I was curios as to wether she had messaged me back (she hadn't) but then I got interested in looking at other posts and messaged a few subs. Now I have to go back and see if they have responded. Even when they do they ghost me after a few days. I think I should take a break from it all, maybe a long break, maybe the longer the better. Thats the best thing.

Actually sort of the opposite, but only time will tell. Recently I have tried Chinese herbs, melatonin and lavender oil. All no help at all. Someone gave me some more essential oils. Last night I tried camomile oil by putting a little on a piece of tissue paper and occasionally holding it under my nose. I was all ready very tired (which is no guaranty of sleep) but, if anything, it worked a bit too well. I could hardly stay conscious long enough to brush my teeth.

I will have to test it over a longer period of time before I get too excited, but fingers crossed, maybe I am on to something this time. She also gave me some sandalwood and neroli which I have not tried yet.