Accessional diary of a dyslexic dom.

It was probably an allergy, because I felt mostly better by last night. Still a slight sniffle but nothing compared to yesterday.

Less than a week in to the spring weather and I woke up with a hideous cold. At least I think it's a cold. This time of year I am often not sure if I have a cold or an allergy. Technically not hay fever obviously (because there is no hay) but there are other kinds of spores in the air. But I think this is a cold. Also I did not sleep much, I am either going to watch a video or go back to bed.

So I did sleep in the end, four about four hours, between about ten AM and two PM. I felt so angry and frustrated that I am a bit surprised that I slept at all (Note: I am not angry with anyone or anything, just generally angry is the word that best describes my mood). I was in that mood where I could not focus on doing anything but also could not just sit and do nothing. I ended up watching porn and repeats of American sit coms at the same time. I do not feel too bad today considering, a bit shell shocked. It helps a little bit to write it down.

So a day or two ago, at about six in the morning, having slept about one hour, I had a very stupid idea, and instead of keeping it to my self I wrote it down, but at least I did not try to put it into practice. Partly I think this hole BDSM / online thing is making me a bit mad (but then maybe it is just the insomnia) and, I know that I have said this several times before, but I think I need a long break from it. I know that you have to be in it to win it, the trouble is that you also have to be in it to become bitter and self pitying.

I will probably still write my blog, and will look over the sights, but just not make any response. (I actually think that these sites are addictive and maybe if I am less involved I will be able to get off them all together) but maybe all kinds of things (this is not a contract. I might feel completely different by tomorrow). Anyway I think I will continue to write the blog.

Is this fair? I mean is this fucking fair? I mean. . . Saturday night I hardly slept at all. I maid my self stay awake all day Sunday. Sunday night I felt so tired I could hardly walk from one room to another, and I took a Zopeclone. I slept for one hour, from 1 to 2 AM. Then I was wide awake. It is 4, 30 AM know. I am supposed to wake up at 7, 00 AM to go to my computer class, but I will probably phone in sick (which might well be the truth by then).

I just feel so angry, at it only makes it worse that I do not know who or what at.

Anyway rant over, I want to think, at least, semi clearly about what I want to say here: I am thinking of paying, just for a month or two, to be a full member of this site. However the only reason for this would be if I wanted to send private messages. Most of the ladies on this site are a bit to a lot, younger than me, and whirl I like the age difference, some of them might find it a bit creepy. Sometimes I read blogs from ladies who have split from or been mistreated by there domes (or whatever) and I think could I help, in a small way, to make them feel better, or would I just seem creepy or "thirsty". I don't want to get a reputation for being any of these things (creepy, thirsty, opportunist) and I really do not know if I would be a comfort to anyone, although I would be willing to try my best.

For those who do not know I suffer from Aspergers syndrome, which is partly why these questions are so hard for me. I would really appreciate any advice that anyone can give me.

OK, back to bed, see if I can get two more hours sleep.

The best live band I ever saw was unquestionably Leonard Cohen. It was a year or two before he died. It is hard to say what was so good about him, but he really was.The second best was probably Chic, seriously, those old soul bands are fantastic live. There were some good bands at the first WOMAD festival, and also at the Notting hill carnival (but that was a long time ago. The last time I went to Noting hill it was terrible. Not even any music that I saw. Just crowds and piles of food packaging in overflowing bins). I think King Sunny Ada was good. The Blockheads were good, so was Uriah Heep (although I could not understand any of the words).

Some of the best live music I'v heard was played by obscure little blues or jazz bands. I almost forgot, The Blues band at Glastonbury. I think it was 1981 or 82. I am stopping now. This is just making me feel old.   

I am not good at restraint. I find that I am constantly thinking about the thing that I am not supposed to have or do, and the only way to get it out of my head is to actually do more of it than I did before.

Some of this is a bit stream of conshesnes, rambeling self pity, please excuse spelling, enjoy:

It is 1. 30 in the afternoon here in the sunny UK (I do not know if it is raining but it is quite overcast), I have things I should be doing but, as you can see, I am not doing them. Later I will probably turn on the TV. I think I have been ghosted again (on that other site). I really had hopes for this one. It is worse when they exchange half a dozen messages with me and then just disappear. It means they have given me a chance and decided that I am not even worth a "sorry, no thanks".

I am not going to apologise for sounding like a whiny school girl, but I do realise that I sound like that (by the way anyone who's advice is "grow up", "pull yourself together" or "snap out of it", can please go away). I know I keep saying this but maybe I should just give it up. It is not really helping me to trust people, to like people. It is hard to play a positive role in the world when I am constantly being / feeling rejected. 

On top of that my paintings have suddenly gone horribly wrong. A few weeks back I was doing, what I thought was, some of the best stuff I have ever done (although I suspect that most people would not see it). Now suddenly I can hardly produce a doodle (seriously).

And don't get me started on politics (no really, its best not to). Ow well, as Spike Milligan said: It will only go on for ever.

PS: I think I will try the TV. Maybe there is an old film on, or maybe I will watch a DVD.

I went to Bath today, bought some art stuff, free range chicken breasts and Still crazy after all these years by Paul Simon, at HMV. Haven't listened to it yet, I'll let you know.

Lately I got into the kind of discussion that I sometimes wonder into and then wish that I hadn't. In this discussion it was suggested that complaining was not "domlike". Following this was a short list of noble qualities that a dom should adhere to. Well, if anyone on this site feels that I have been anything other than polite and pleasant then I am both surprised and apologetic. However I have not agreed to a code of conduct, I am not joining the nights of the round table or even the boy scouts. There are, of cause, a set of rules that we should all follow, but they are mostly rules that any person would follow when communicating with any other person. (Quite honestly I think that even most of these rules are optional. For example I am not obliged to be polite. I choose to be). I certainly missed the meeting in which a code of conduct, for doms, was discussed, and I do not agree to it know.

Even if I accepted that there was such a thing as "domlike", quite honestly I would only ever except the judgment of my future sub. Except in extreme circumstances, I do not really agree to anyone ells having a say.

I welcome all (well most) comments and criticisms but, in future, please bair in mind that I have a perfectly serviceable conscience. I do not need anyone to stand in for it.