Accessional diary of a dyslexic dom.

I am sure that every ones blogs are very good but I can not seem to read words at the moment. Which is bad because I really badly need to fill in a form. On that subject here is a poem that I wrote many years ago, about having to do things, Enjoy.

My things to do list.

2003

My things to do list
is a time, space anomaly
Like Mr Muscle Foamer.
Pads out the multevers.
Flairs like a supernova
in my living room light socket
& tips the ashes
of my endeavour
in to a black hole.

My things to do list
is the dark side of the force,
waging unjust war on the union.
A rag tag wagon line
of technopagen spocks & sky workers.
Picking off the stragglers
as they struggle across
the ink blot of space.

My things to do list
is an uncaring god. Horizontal
on a chaste lounge, on Olympus.
Eating grapes from the cleavage
of a virtuous virgin
& not receiving my prayers
for mercy & some
spare time to rest
& to watch TV.

My things to do list
is a bad bearded bandedo
with knife glint teeth
& a gang of desperadoes,
who steal away the women
& demand money
with menaces
& the man with no name
is nowhere to be seen.

My things to do list
is unrequited love
for the squires daughter,
who is to marry a rich merchant,
but sometimes she looks so sad
& I would make her happy
If only I was not
a horrid hunchback bell ringer
& an idiot to boot.

My things to do list
is a spider. So small
that it could drown
in a single drop of water
& I rescue it
from the bath,
knowing full well
that it will only starve,
or freeze in the winter.

I do not like to kill anything but there was (he seems to have gone now) a giant moth flying around the light in my living room. What is it with moths? they go crazy at the sight of an electric light. I get loads of them every summer. The ones that flatten themselves against the wall I, very careful, leave alone (some of them are butterflies), but this big one was trying my patience.

It is just gone 3. 00 AM here. I am off to bed.

Ow, hes back!!!!

Happy whatever it is today (I think its independence day). I might write something proper later, right now I am going to have a shower.

You might not know that it was the Glastonbury festival this weekend. I didn't and I live almost up the road. I watched about ten minutes of the Cure on TV, but I thought they sounded whiny. 

I think know Glastonbury is too big and too commercial. I went twice in the eighties. The first time I accidentally ran over my brothers foot. For the life of me I can not remember who played. The second time was very muddy and I saw Ian Dury and the Music Students, Steal pulse, the Boom Town Rats.

I do not think that I will be going to any festivals this year. It will be the first time since my teens.

Any one who regularly reads my blog will have noticed that I can be very moody. That is partly because a lot of things in life suck, and partly because I am just like that, but it is also because, when I am down, I work very hard to get back up. Otherwise I would just be miserable (which is not the same as being moody). It is not easy getting back up because I suffer from pain and fatigue a lot of the time. For a few days, or even weeks I might start to feel better, but then I wake up and I am wright at the bottom again.

I have been thinking a lot about mood recently. Yesterday my (Buddhist) meditation teacher played a recording of a talk on suffering. A bit simplified, the Buddhist position on suffering is that we have a choice: If I stump my toe, or my girl friend leaves, or I am severely injured in a car accident. Then I have no choice about the thing that has happened, but, with practice, I can learn to control my response to whatever happened. It can be a moment of pain and irritation, or it can become an endless spiral of anger and misery. It might not often seem like it, but it is up to me.

Then, this morning, I read a blog (on here) also about mood, and I started to think there are all ways the good things in life: trees, flowers, pornography, food, and so on. I am probably not explaining my self very well, so this is a Zen parable that I came across somewhere:

A monk was traveling across a field and he encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger chasing after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed and snarled at him from above. Trembling and hanging there, the monk looked down to where, far below, a second tiger was waiting for him to fall, to eat him.

Then out of a crevice in the cliff two mice, one white and one black, appeared and little by little they started to gnaw away at the vine. The monk noticed a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. Delicious! How sweet it tasted!

The version of the parable that I originally herd ended like this: The strawberries and the tiger are all ways there. It is just a matter of which we give are attention to.

I have never found the right screen name for me. I can not stand that moment when the computer tells you that the name you have so Caerphilly chosen is all ready being used, so I have, at times, used my own name and then added Ses to the start until the computer let me in.

Steam Punk is a name I thought of for my self, because that way I keep my real life initials, but I am not, in any way, a steam punk so it was not really appropriate.

I went through a phase of calling my self names like preold (to indicate that I am not old yet) or oldbutstillgood. A friend advised me DON'T DO THAT!!! and since then I have called my self just me.

Just me is a name that you use when you can not come up with a name, but it is also accurate because I am just me. I realise that ever one is just themselves, but I am not trying to come up with a screen name for everyone. Sometimes I think of, what at first seems to be, good names but then I either find something wrong with them or ells they are too long.

OK so I have managed to offend someone. I know I would and I am only really surprised that it did not happen sooner.

I do not know if I should try to blame this on my condition (saying inappropriate or just plain stupid things is a symptom of Aspergers syndrome) or sleep deprivation, or weather I should just concede that I can be a bit of a jerk.

I recently fell out with a friend (although we are talking know) who was constantly offended by things I did. I still do not really know wether she was right to be offended or wether she was just a controls freak, but the strange thing is that, every time, it seemed to come out of nowhere. I never once saw it coming, I never know that I had done anything until I was told that I had done something. I still do not really know what I did or if I did anything at all. I don't know if this is a symptom of Aspergers, that my relationship with the world remains, to some extent, a mystery to me, or if life is just like that.

Anyway I have know spoken to the person who was offended and the hole thing is know resolved.

I think I will be mostly sticking to writing accessional blogs on here in the future. My advice is not all that much use anyway as I do not know all that much.

I know I go on about this but it is just so frustrating. Of cause I cant sleep, because I slept all of Saturday afternoon, but I tried to stay awake on Saturday and I just couldn't do it. It is really driving me crazy. Ow well.

I put this as a forum question, but I thought I might as well put it on here as I have not posted much recently.

Some might think that this is kind of a stupid question but. . . Answer it anyway (or not if you do not want to): You identify as a slave. You have been with your master / owner for a long time, and feel all the deep and complex emotions that you would expect to feel. One day your master tells you to do something that you really badly do not want to do. You explain why you don't want to do it, you beg, etc, but he is adamant. Would you do it?

Of cause it depends on what it is, but try your best to answer the question as it stands. All response appreciated.

I keep loosing all porn and BDSM sites. Its strange. I never loose anything ells. It seems very strange to me. If I disappear all together that is why.