Accessional diary of a dyslexic dom.

The high point of my weekend so far has been cleaning the fridge, although I am working on three big paintings that I am quite pleased with. I mean big by my standards. I was working on A4 paper or smaller (I have done paintings as small as CD covers) but then I just really wanted to do something bigger. They are 45 by 60 CM. When there finished I will just put them in a cupboard and start on some more. No one ever looks at them.

I have more or less given up searching for. . . anything at all really. Sometimes I search other sites (I only use this site to write my blog) but not with any real enthusiasm. I have been ghosted five times. Probably it is a good thing that I never get further than the third or forth message. That way I do not form any emotional attachments. Ow well. 

First of all: I prefer to write on my blog, because I see it as my place where I can say whatever I want. On the forum I do not have quite the same confidence. It is not quite the same. It might put this on the Forum but I will try it on here first.

Yesterday someone blogged about having something taken away from them as a punishment. My first thought was that it was too cruel. There is little enough happiness in the world, taking it away from someone just seems bad. Then I thought, so how do you punish a sub (I am talking about punishment NOT funishment). You can not take away something that they quite like or are indifferent to. If you can not punish a sub then are you a proper dom?

In my mind, and in the small amount of experience that I have had, I can be very cruel and sadistic, but that largely depends on the sub liking or wanting it. Punishment is a different thing. Humm.

Any thoughts, please remember I am talking about punish, not funish, ment?

Excuse my language but I have had a fucking ourfull day. First my computer froze (I downloaded some dater, which I thought I had done weeks ago). Then problems filling in a form, then I lost my debit card. (Then it still took over an hour to get the computer working again). Does that seem like a bad day? is is it just normal to most people?

Off to borow some cash know.

I try not to blog about religion or politics as there is the old chestnut about offence, which I work so hard to avoid, but in this instance I am not quite sure if this blog is about religion, philosophy or morality. A lot of people disagree, but I personally think that Buddhism is a religion: They believe in hell (as well as reincarnation) and they have gods. The only difference to western religions is that there gods don't seem to do anything.

Anyway the question (that we discussed at my meditation class yesterday) is it ever all right to lie. The Buddha never lied (I mean from the time that he became the budder. I do not know if he lied before that). Silence is fine, indeed stillness and silence are consider an important part of Buddhist life. So he could just say nothing, or I think there are stories of him answering a question with another question, but he never lied,

But lets remember that he believed in hell and being reincarnated as a dung Beatle, but what if you don't believe in all that? If you lie to a close friend or relative and they find out, then they might not trust you in the future. Also, in curtain situations, no one is quite sure wether it is more considerate to lie or to tell the truth.So what about lying to a stranger? You are never going to see them again.

Most people know the story of Ann Frank, but incase you don't, during the war a group of jews hid in a seller, and were hidden and brought food by the people who lived in the house below. If a soldier knocked on the door and said have you seen any Jews? The downstairs people would have to lie. Did Budder consider this kind of dilemma. Did he even know that things could be that bad? 

Personally I make a conscious effort not to lie, but I still do, little white lies, or that is what I think (maybe lying to my self), but very occasionally lying can become a survival technical. When I was a child, if a bigger, or more aggressive looking, kid approached me on a bus and said "what football team do you support"? The answer was all ways "What team do you support" and whatever he said I would agree enthusiastically.

What if I had insisted on all ways telling the truth. I might get an accessional black aye and other bad things might happen once in a while. However the reword would be to live in a world of constant, unadulterated truth. Truth, along with ethical behave, can create a clarity of mind.

Now I must go, I have a dinner engagement with a unicorn and a talking fish.

Last night I finished Slaughterhouse 5 (by Kurt Vonnegut. I know, a lot of you had a more fun night than I did). It is a very weird book. I kept going to the end because I thought it would all come together, but it doesn't really. Anyone read it? Any opinions?

Just after 2. 00 am, can't sleep. I took a pill but it takes an hour to take effect, and sometimes not even then. Its partly the humidity. I am invited to a Buddhist picnic tomorrow, but I do not know if I am going to go, and definitely not if I have not slept.

I mentioned in yesterdays blog that I could not forgive my self for failing to be a proper bloke. Infact it is such a long time since I associated with proper blokes that it is hard to remember the finer details of what one is. Although you might have something similar in America, the proper bloke is a very British phenomenon. There are however only three essential characteristics of blokeyness:

1. Beer. If you do not drink beer or larger you are not a bloke. I don't know how much but I would think that less than 20 pints a week would be unthinkable (although many would drink that on a Friday night).

2. Football. Or what I think you call soccer. Some play, all of them watch a lot (I have no idea how much but a lot). You do not have to support any particular team, but you have to support England.

3. Sex. Not entirely sure of the rules here. A bloke can be married or monogamous, but I think that if a bloke does not have sex every forty hours then he is either gay or sad (not really sure which is more derogatory. It is perfectly all right to lie).

4. Dress. Jeans and T shirt or a cheap suit worn as if it is even cheaper. 

Not all blokes are career criminals or work as car mechanics or plumbers. I do not think that a London accent is essential but it is usual.

Me: I don't really like beer (I don't like the smell) and, I have tried, but I just have no interest in sport. In short I never stood a chance.

This morning I turned off all of my usual stimulants, music, the TV, the computer. My downstairs naybers are a little bit noisy, but not too much. All I can hear is cars in the street, people talking, a pigeon having a melt down (I can still hear him but he seems to be further away now). Do I like to be alone? It would be more accurate to say that sometimes I need it. I do not look like a week delicate creature. I look like a cross between a gargoyle and a rugby player, but inside I am a dresden tea set. One day I must forgive my self for not being a proper bloke. 

Even the slightest (from the other persons point of view) attack on my delicate senses, leaves me sitting here quietly trying to recover.

Am I selfish? Maybe, but it is the only self that I have got.

With the world as it is, will it engulf me and make me a part of its toxic chaos? Yes I think that will happen in the future but for now I am allowed to be whatever I am.

I have listened to a few tapes by an Indian philosopher, Jiddu Krishnamurti, His main argument seems to be that the problems of the world stem from us being split or separated by belief, religion, skin colour, and so on. Simple so far, but I goes on, the word alone literally means all one. I struggle a lot with his meaning. Does he mean that by each being alone, we can become more hole as a species. If you form a group then, sooner or later, your group becomes antagonistic towards another group and then you get separation. This seems clear enough, but surely the answer is not for each person to be alone?

(Back to talking about me now): Even if I found the right person could I make room for them in my lonely world. My sister and her family shout at each other from room to room. It does not seem to matter where in the house they are. If they want to say something they they just shout. I am very close to my sister, but when I visit I always come back a little bit depressed. 

So, conclusion: Could I make room for a second person. I do not know, but I am corshusly keen to find out.

PS. Please excuse spelling. I should use simpler words.

Regarding yesterdays little rant: I am calmER today. Yesterday I just could not seem to calm down, all evening and most of the night. Somehow I slept but I just felt so angry (I am like that sometimes). 

I am grateful that I found this site because otherwise I would have thought that BDSM natural went hand in hand with rude, verbally aggressive, unpleasant people. I think I would have genuinely thought that if you wanted one you had to have the other.

Also I have been thinking that toxic environments kind of suck me in (I prefer to talk specifically about my self). You would think that it would be easy to get away from them but it really isn't, and also I feel very empty and purposeless.

I have set my self a goal of only looking on FL twice a week from know on, and I probably will give it up soon, but then I feel I am, more or less giving up on ever meeting. . . anyone.

Sorry this is a bit garbled.

I know I should not post this here (as this is not Fetlife) but I am just so angry, it is my way of ranting. Also can not think of anything to blog about and I always feel that I should say something.

I posted this on fetlife. Does anyone think I am wrong?

Fetlife is not a good place for people with Autism or Aspergers, unless your fetish is for personal attack. I am all ways polite to every one that I "reach out" to, I am never aggressive or belittling (unless that is what the person has asked for). I all ways read profiles before messaging. I never cold message anyone.

Thousands of people use Fetlife as a pick up site, every day, people might not like that but you can not change it by picking on individual people.

Let me make this clear, if I close my Fetlife account it will be (not because fetlife is not friendly towards me but) because I do not think that fetlife is disabled friendly.

Rant over.