Tali’s Rants and What nots

I joined thecage for a place I can blog.  A place I can feel comfortable writing about my experiences, my thoughts, etc.  over the last few times I have wrote something I get messages of “want to be my submissive ”. What part of my writings do you think I want to be YOUR submissive?  I am a submissive. I am not nor will I ever be your submissive.

First off if you were a real Dom you wouldn’t be asking that straight out of the gate. That tells me that you are here for just sex and you are prying on women who need to work on themselves. Which is not right. That is a red flag and predatory behavior.

Also, if you were a real Dom, you would know it takes time for communication. Communicating with the person your interested in. Learning things about them. Especially their limits to see if they even match up with yours.  Two, if you knew anything about me, you’d know I don’t want a Master nor will I ever want one.  Master types are not my thing. So fuck off and stay out of my inbox. Yes, you will get blocked. 

I do happen to know what I want when it comes to this lifestyle. I just don’t spell it out for you on here. If you happen to know me on Fet, you’d know I’m highly protected. I have three protectors from around my state and the world. They are very near and dear good friends of mine. Also, if you know me on Fet, you’d find a well, detailed list of things I want in this lifestyle. Along with my limits.

I just don’t post about it on here. For several reasons. I don’t have to sit here and explain it to you. I’d appreciate if you are looking for someone to dominate or fuck stay out of my inbox. 

thank you

Easter 2019 is a day I won’t forget.  It’s a day that has stuck with me.  I am thinking, maybe, if I am open about it, I can heal from it.  Maybe, just maybe help someone else.  

i was a collared submissive at the time. My Dom’s soon to be ex wife came over to bring him food from her Easter dinner.  This is the first time I had met this woman, it would be the last time too.  Me and her exchanged some very heated words as my Dom sat there quietly, head down, like a submissive.  That pissed me off even more.  The way she was making him feel was not very Dominant.  

After several moments passed she finally left.  We calmed down and was getting ready to finish what we had planned for the day.  The next thing we did, I admit we shouldn’t have done.  I take responsibility for it.

We ended up in a primal scene. Which was fine at the moment. We both had aggression we needed to release. We were rolling back and forth and just goofing off.  Then he was having me get on al fours. As I began to question this, is where things went south. I tried to stop what he was doing, he just continued. The more I tried to get out of the position I was in the more he kept tossing me back in the all fours position. He then mated me from behind.  

When he was finished I was stunned at what just happened. i honestly, couldn’t believe he just did what he did.  He sat back in the couch and immediately felt remorse. His first words were “I think I just raped you.”  Granted he felt bad, it still doesn’t make it any right as I am learning. 

At this moment I blew everything off and was like it was fine. Scenes go wrong all the time. I felt so off about it. I shouldn’t have blown it off. We really didn’t talk about it sense that day.  He was messed up in the head according to him for a few months.  He wasn’t exactly open with me about his feelings. So I can only go by his mood he showed. 

The thing is, scenes do go wrong all the time.  I am learning now that my tolerance for this is rather high.  Which is why I blew it off like it was nothing. Now, going through therapy, I have to face this head on. Learn how to process this and deal with the feelings that go along with this.  Not even sure if I know how. 

If some of you reading this know me outside of here please keep all parties involved hidden. No, names have been shared in this for reasons of privacy. I want to keep it that way. I thought it was time, to help someone else who may need to hear this.

How do you process a D/s relationship thst you didn’t want to end?

Two years ago I was left leaving my collar and my promise ring on my Doms table. While he was away. He couldn’t face me to end things. He did it over a phone call while I was at his place. The hurt, the pain, the numb feeling is still there even after all that time.

I had therapy yesterday, and we talked about this person. We talked about what he looked like from the moment I saw him. Little bits of our relationship in between. To the moment he walked out of my life. The problem was, it wasn’t for good. He still tries to come in my life when he wants to hunt.

What I am learning through the course of my words is how abusive he was. I never saw it, and still really don’t. Does an abused person ever see the abuse? When I talked to my therapist and talked to a friend of mine they told me he was mentally and emotionally abusive. It was his actions that showed this. Sometimes his words. He never could tell the truth. I honestly believe he is a pathological liar.

What is getting me right now, is when you have a scene go wrong. All this time you knew something was off about it. You were so accustomed to abuse that you blew off his behavior. Said what he did was ok. When you knew deep down it wasn’t ok. I mean, how could I condone that behavior? Somehow, I did.

When he cheated on me with another member of the community. I took him back. Yet, I should have never did that. I put all the blame on her. All my anger I have is at her and not at him. How, can I put blame on him? I know it takes two tango. She was a mastermind at what she did. She knew how to trigger him into having sex.

Here I am trying to figure out how to tell my therapist on Friday that once again, I was assaulted by someone I brought into my life. I need to figure out how be mad at this person I loved, and still love. I don’t know how. I need to find a way to process this in a healthy way. Not have it eat me alive.

As much as I love the community, it has hurt me. Time and time and time again. Somehow I still want to stay and come back to it. I know not everyone is bad. Yet, I find the bad ones. Not on purpose. I’m just learning, it’s all I have ever known. I have learned abuse is what has been instilled in me since I was 12 years of age. Now, how do I get away from it? How do I see these red flags everyone else sees.

What bothers me the most is, my mom is like “he was so perfect. The whole family loved him”. Yeah, they did. They family didn’t know about the scene that went bad. They didn’t know he was still legally married going through a divorce. They didn’t know he slept with someone else. Cheating is in his blood. In a 40 year marriage he cheated on his wife 38 times. I was so stupid, I didn’t walk away when I find out. I thought I was going to be different.

I want to scream and yell. Tell him how bad I’m hurt. Tell him how I can’t hate him and yet I need too. I need to yell at the women he slept with. Be like why did she do it? Why was she so jealous of what I had. Take the one thing I ever wanted in my life. I can’t do that. I just can’t.

My brain hears things but it doesn’t comprehend anything people are telling me. I wish I knew how to do that. I know it’s going to take time. Again, how. All this pain I have is so superficial. I know the real pain and the real hurt is buried so deep. When I think of that pain, I am numb. It’s like I turned it off. I turned it off so I could live. The heartbreak I felt was unlike I felt before. Thinking of him brings tears to my eyes. Even two years later.

Some days I absolutely hate my fucking submissive side. Yes, I am not supposed to submit at to just anyone. I generally do not. Doms, have to earn my trust, my support, etc before I even call them sir. Only my Sir earns the title with the capital S. 

I have a lot of Dom or Domme friends. I don’t have very many submissive friends. The few I have are heavy switches. I tend to even coward down to them at times. No, I don’t consider myself an Alpha submissive. Maybe in my vanilla life I am. Not in my kink life. 

Over the course of the past few weeks I have found that I am submitting and I don’t even notice. If I do, it’s way after the fact. The other day I was spiraling out of control with my thoughts. My friend told me chill the fuck out. My first thought was “yes, sir”. He had to remind me that my sub brain doesn’t have to go all the time. For some reason now it’s going non stop. I don’t know how to calm her. 

I have a switch friend who I absolutely adore. I was having trouble taking no for an answer on a situation that could have potentially put her life in danger. I wanted her safe. I said if I find out you do this thing I’m going to lecture you 😆. She stood tall and asserted her Dom side. I coward down to her. I was like ok nevermind. 😆 Even though we were playing around I submitted to her. 

Lately, I have been talking to this Daddy. He isn’t my Daddy. He wants to be. I find the more we talk the more I am wanting to submit to him. I find I am in some ways. I don’t even know how to stop this. 

I am finding my submissive side is coming out more and more. I don’t have control of her. My primal is coming out with her. My primal wants to fight and my submissive just wants to, we’ll, submit. I find when I am in overloud, stressed, or feel well insecure, it’s hard to control her. I wish at times I knew how. Why does it take someone to speak sternly to me before I can regroup?  

Being a submissive is so embedded in me. I know this. At times I wish she wasn’t.  

Back in 2018 I was with a Daddy Dom who came into my life.  The moment our eyes connected I trusted him.  I can’t explain why.  All I knew is that for the first time I was craving a person. I didn’t know this was a possible thing. I didn’t know a smell, a growl, the phrase good girl could drive me crazy by someone.

When he would growl in my ear, I’d get wet.  I would feel the build of an orgasm. The build would get stronger as he would growl or bite me. If he growled mine or good girl. Mmmmmm It was getting to a point where he was training me where a certain phrase would make me orgasm on demand. 

The more our relationship progressed, the more I craved him. The more I wanted him. His touch, to hear the sound of his voice, even to smell him. The primal in me was coming out stronger everyday. 

Then we split in 2019.  I was devastated. I didn’t know this feeing was even possible again.

Over the past week this guy comes in my life. He accidentally growled. I instantly felt it between my legs. I felt the intensity build. All I want is to keep hearing him growl. I want to hear his voice. I crave his voice. 

Thinking about him saying good girl to me or growing mine makes me quiver. He hasn’t done it just yet. Just thinking about it, makes me squirm. All the feelings I had before are flooding back. The feelings of craving someone. 

I still don’t get how this possible. My sub is craving his attention, his voice, his grow, everything about him. 

Every Friday I go into therapy. I go in and see my therapist.  I started to see him a few months ago. We talked about how I needed to work through some of my past. Learn some more triggers. I looked at him and knew after 28 years it was time to really work through this. He set up a plan and started at the beginning. He knew before I started the surface of everything. He didn’t know the extent. He learned really quick, I was very “flat” when talking about my past. His word, not mine. 

Over the past couple of weeks we have been working on emotions and feelings. I don’t show them much. I have been told I am cold hearted or I just don’t care. I call myself overly guarded and cautious. I mean if you heard my story, you’d understand why. 

Today I walked in with some big feels. I mean big feels for me. I told him it’s been a roller coaster of feels. I have been allowing myself to finally feel things and make connections. I told him about my haters last week. How I removed people from my Facebook and my Snapchat. I really didn’t care who they were. I didn’t need that negativity in my life. 

I told him about some other things going on as well. I wasn’t sure how to deal with these feels. Let alone, why I was feeling them. I felt they were all wrong and I shouldn’t feel them. He asked me how I was dealing with all of these. I told him I was writing.  I was writing more and it’s how I deal. If you haven’t figured out, it’s my self-care. 

After talking with him today about these BIG FEELS, he wanted to figure out a connection. We started to talk about 2016. I have never verbalized what happened in 2016. I never talked about some of the feelings I felt. Let alone the red flags I saw later in life. How my husband made me feel during these times..

TRIGGERING THINGS AHEAD…. CAUTION…

I began to share about my journey of wanting to relapse after 12 years clean. I told my husband I wasn’t safe. I explained reading 13 Reasons Why in two days was not a good choice. My life and Hannah’s life has so many similarities it isn’t funny. My husband told me to get my big girl panties on and deal with it. So, I dealt with it the best way I did.  I went to a guy I thought was a good Dom. 

After many encounters with this guy I learned how much abuse and shit I was out through. The thing is, when I talked about my consent being broken by this guy taking pics and videoing me without my permission did my therapist get mad. Not at me, but for me. He saw on my face that this was nothing. He saw how normalizing I was feeling during all of this. 

After seeing him angry, we stopped. He couldn’t take anymore. Nor could I really. By now, I was feeling things. Normally I could shutdown my tears and walk out of his office and be fine. This was the first time he talked to me, and all I could do was nod. I became nonverbal. I didn’t know how to use my words. I didn’t know how to stop crying or vocalize anything in that moment. 

I realized at for the first time, someone cared enough to get mad.  Remind me it wasn’t my fault. Get mad enough to tell me what he did with the cameras was not ok. I did nothing wrong. For the first time, I knew I was safe and I could cry and it was ok.  

When I talked to my husband about this after it all happened he said it was my fault. My husband knew I was seeing this guy. He asked for an open relationship. By the time February came along he said “you’ll do what’s right”. For me, I chose the lesser of the two evils. My husband didn’t let me cry, he didn’t let me feel, or have emotions.  It was always my fault.

When my therapist was upset today, I finally could feel something I never felt. I didn’t know how to process this. Once I could vocalize this. I told him, that he was the first to get that angry. The sad thing is, everyone in my life just has a high tolerance for bullshit. That can be a problem. It has now shown to be a problem. 

All my big feels this week came crashing in. I have never had to deal with them before. Now, I need to learn.

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I am very monogamous. According to my friends I’m mono AF. I think I’m as mono as they come. I’m very committed to the person I am with and only that person. Something I am learning is even though poly isn’t for everyone. There is parts of me that appears to be poly.

Let me explain, what I mean by this. I am wanting to only fuck my chosen partner. However, if my kinks are not met I’d like to platonically play with someone who can meet those needs. However, I’d like my partner to be able to do the same. If I want to cuddle with someone then I should be able to do so platonically.

For me the sex part gets in the way. After talking with someone today, they said something that made sense. I am going to take what they said and really think about it. They really did make a valid point about being poly and sex.

Even though I dated about 5 people in my life since jr high school. I have had around 4 failed poly relationships. It really is a hit or a miss between the two. Who is to say I’m going to have a good mono relationship? I could have a good poly relationship. At the end of the day it’s something to think about.

Since 2019 I have thought about poly. I have thought about what poly might look like to me. I have realized in all the failed poly relationships I had, I was lied too. Well, I take that back. Two of them I didn’t get lied too.

2015 my ex asked me for an open marriage. I ended up my first taste in poly/open relationships/etc. I was told at the end of the day to do what I felt was right. At that time my ex didn’t like the fact I had a Dom who paid attention to me. By 2016 I released myself from this.

In the fall of 2016 I ended up with a poly family. My husband was aware of what was going on. When I came to release myself I found out a lot of lies were being told to all parties.

In 2017 I found a long distance relationship. They were poly. I learned more about myself and a little bit about poly. We ended up having differences and we split.

I had another poly relationship in 2017/2018. They were married. It turned out they didn’t have much time for me as their work schedule changed. Their life changed. I released myself. (We do still talk today)

The last time I dabbled in poly was in 2019. A lot of our local community knows the details of what happened. There was lies all around. What I think was jealously on my part and the other females part. I didn’t go into this willingly. It was just put on me. I ended up in it. In 12/2019 I was released. In 09/2019 he released the other girl.

My experiences to poly hasn’t ever ended well. I had my boyfriends cheat on me in jr high and high school. I have never had good experiences even then with guys.

Maybe someday I may try again. With someone who actually has values and integrity when it comes to poly. I know it would have to take the right person to teach me. I have more poly friends than I do monogamous ones. I mean that has to mean something right??

Over the course of two years the pain has eased. Yet, the feeling of heartbreak is always there. As I see friends in here go through similar situations, my heart breaks. I just want to cry for them, with them. I never thought a day in my life would stay forever in my brain.

When I think about not having my collar, it saddens me. I begin to grieve all over again. The pain from that day comes rushing back. The smells, the sites, everything surrounding that day. The sad thing is, I secretly knew it was coming. I just never wanted it to end. For a moment in time I was happy.

As Snapchat and Facebook remind me of these memories, I find ways to delete the pictures. All I see is a happy person wearing her collar with such pride. The feeling on my neck is the emptiness of something that once was.

I am trying for the first time to allow myself to feel and deal with the hard emotions. I have compacted them away for so long. Now, I have the freedom to express them.

The other day a friend stop by to help me. The best thing they did was offer me a hug. It did all I could not to just bust into full tears in that moment. I can’t remember someone giving me a hug and it didn’t feel cold, loose, or a quick hug goodbye. This was a hug of comfort. wipes tears away I have been dealing with so much lately. That hug for just a moment was taking away the pain.

Over the course of this past week I have had haters. From asking me about a beard I can grow to watching my language on Facebook. All sorts of shit in between. I had wrote things here and there to remind people to be kind. The thing is, these people don’t realize the impact it causes on someone.

This past week I have felt so ugly, fat, insecure about my body and my face. I have not want to be seen by no one. I am normally ok with my body. I have come to love her most of the time.

PCOS causes my hair everywhere. My weight is extremely hard to lose. I have tried so many times over. If I told you how much I weighed, you wouldn’t believe me.

For nearly 20 years I was told not to sit on peoples furniture because of my weight. This was in my own home I was told this. I was told by my neighbors not to sit in their things either. I might break it. When things happened in my personal life, these feelings came rushing back.

Remembering how fat I felt when I was at my smallest. Remembering getting judged by someone in this community about my hair. Realizing I can only count on me.

When my friend came over and offered me a hug, the feelings and emotions wanted to escape. I suppressed them for the most part. Part of me heard “you are not allowed to cry”. Even though he wouldn’t ever say that. It’s a demon of mine.

Over the course of a week I have been crying when I can. Crying as type up this up matter of fact. For the first time in a very long time, I’m allowing myself to feel emotions. Maybe I’ll get another hug like that. If I do, they should prepare for tears.

For those of you who know me outside of here. I love you and I have been beyond thankful for those who have helped me these past couple of weeks. Through my tears and mental health struggles. Even with some things I still keep to myself. I am learning it ok to cry, even in private.

I was talking with a friend recently about submission. This was after we attended a munch about it. We were talking about how submission is different for everyone. How my submission is different from what their submissive is like. Even what the submissive we saw giving the presentation.

The thing is, back in 2017 I had this Dom. Wonderful person. We just had some differences and we broke it off. Not until they taught me some hard lessons on submission. One of them was about asking questions. Yes, it’s ok to ask questions. If they said go get me a glass and bring it to me. You proceeded with why? That is defeating the purpose of what is being taught in that moment. What if they wanted to see if you could follow just simple directions without question. What if the lesson was, what they did with the glass. You don’t know.

The lesson I was taught by this Dom was this. If I ask something of you and you question me, do you trust me? Of course I always said I did. Deep down did I trust them enough to let go? Let go fully? Let go of everything I was taught? By me asking questions, it was my way of making sure I was safe. It was protecting myself from whatever may come. If you think about it a second, it’s the Doms job to protect you. They wouldn’t put you in harms way. At least not a good Dom.

Over the course of our relationship I worked on not questioning everything. I did get better, but not where they wanted me. That’s not what caused us to split.

It wasn’t until my last Dom I had. Did I slowly learn this even more? I was out in several situations where they would push me. Push me to grow. I knew what they were doing. I wanted to question them on why?? They could tell I wanted to by my eyes. It took every ounce not too. Especially, in front of other Doms.

I learned by not asking a lot of questions I began to grow in a lot of areas. I learned not push in some areas. I had to trust them on things were going to be ok. A lot of the times they were ok. My safety was not in jeopardy. If it was, then I would have question it.

That was one thing I had learned. If I felt my life was at risk, my limits were being pushed, at that moment I could ask questions. It didn’t happen often. Once I learned this and learned to let go, I finally felt more submissive.

Which now makes things hard for me. For example I was at a friends house. Who just happens to be a Dom type. (Most of my friends are haha) We we’re talking. Joking they said “hand me the water”. Knowing deep down they didn’t really mean it. We were just talking. I about handed them the water. I laughed because I realized at that moment how much of a sub I really am.

Even though I act like i am not most of the time. I was going to do something out of reflex because I was told to do it. It was just talk and not really an action. My submissive side has a hard time at times deciphering what is talk and what I am supposed to do. Especially being an unowned submissive.

With this all being said…. Being a sub is different for everyone. It will be. Each dynamic is different. After talking with my friend. It got me thinking about my sub side. How I act. Especially towards Doms. How far I have come when it come to trusting a Dom. Being a submissive isn’t easy. It takes a lot to give up control. Allow someone to do things to you and for you at times. Once you do allow that. How freeing it is.