Wise thoughts

I've seen a lot of BDSM relationships from the outside and partners I've personally had which just....went full serious stone face. It's difficult for me to wrap my head around as to why anyone would do such a thing. 

You gotta have those laughing moments, you gotta have those moments where its just 0 stress, 0 bull, just all chill. Even if i could live the lifestyle, i wouldn't be serious 100% of the time. Sure, I would pull out the paddle, break out the ropes, whatever seemed to work with my submissive, but it would be out of 'love'. 

In jest what I am saying is, if you are only looking for the dynamic without having a personality attached to it, it's about as fake as it can get. You are putting on a act, and as are your partner. Be genuine, share those moments that make you human. We are not impervious, why act like we are?

Laugh , cry, cherish, play. Be yourself, that way you will both have fun. Take your time, cause sometimes that's all we have. 

Just some words as i sit here with my son on sunday morning. 

Yep, took my son to see some pet stores today. He got scared of a bearded lizard, and had fun with playing hide and seek with a pacman frog. 

Childish innocence is so fascinating, he is so much fun. Everything new is met with silence and wide glistening eyes. 

Adults can learn a few things from them. Sometimes more than they can from us. 

except for when it’s the cold. 

Thanks little dude , love ya too much to be mad I got a day off of work. 

Maybe I need more sleep, maybe I’m hangry, maybe I’m just sensitive, maybe I need to be lest angsty.

Getting sick and tired of the lack of communication, what do you want, all my life upon this pavement? 

I can lay it all out there very quickly, burn it up with gasoline, send out a signal flair, only if you only cared.

Im being myself, sorry does that bore you? Does it bring you to snore, you wouldn’t even give me light of the day. Honesty can’t be this big of a price to pay.

For years I’ve put up with myself, worn the scars, bled the tears, put up with my fears. I guess I’m the only one that can handle it, better just buck up with it.

________

So tired of being pushed aside, given half the time of day, only conversing when you feel bad or obliged to do so. 

Only talk to me if you fucking care, I’m sick and tired of half assed interest and me having to like go over and abound the call of duty. 

Getting really sick of this place. What’s the point anymore? 

On paper everyone says says I got it all down right, “need more people like him in the scene” yeah that’s great. Hard to be in the scene when it’s not welcoming. 

Recently we have been going through a financial Rut, finding it difficult to make ends meet. I havn't been paying my student loans due to hospital bills from the pregnancy two years prior, (Yes still havn't paid them back). 

Went through income based repayment recently through my student loans, lots of the plans estimated to that of "pay 200 bucks" a month. I sent a letter to my student loan provider, they finally followed up and approved 12.19 a month for my student loan payments. 

Wow what a huge sigh of relief. I lose all of my interest, and  lose all of that deferment build up and i pay 12.19 per month ?Sold right away!

A little bit of good news in the sea of bad. 

so , we have a sitter for my son that is a good friend of my wife’s. She has a bit of psychological issues: ptsd, she blacks out at times for no reason, and the people she finds to be mates have been less than stellar. 

So; my wife got a phone call from her at around 9:30 pm, pretty late for the sitter to call. My wife calls back and gets a “muffled Caucasian woman” who said “you have the wrong person.” But they stayed on the line, my wife had me call. “You guys have the wrong person.” Awkward silence. Okay, in the moment it was like well that’s weird. My wife texted the sitter, no response till the morning when well that’s odd I’ll tell my dad and see what he thinks.

talking to mentor about it, then it dawns on me. WHAT IF this person was a alternate personality of our sitter? And she’s got DID? It all adds up, and makes a lot of sense. 

Other options include: she’s experimenting with women, that was her lover. That’s her transexual friend Simon. She went to a party, blacked out , someone messing with us. Someone hyjacked her line.

little dude loves “yaya” but if she could potentially turn into someone else or black out. We gotta get to the bottom of it.

tell me what do you guys think? 

Recently work has been crazy busy, yesterday probably the worst day ever. I’ve been picking up slack in areas other people are underperforming. 

My manager is very stressed, my coworkers are stretched thin, I consistently hit #1 on the activity tracker. And here I am Doing other people’s work.

My helper came to me and said “Man if you up and died we would be fucked for a good long while. No one can do your job.”

makes me wanna call off to watch my work squirm. I want to ask for better pay, I want to ask for management opportunity. I basically manage the spares pool by myself. 

I desire more than I have, however at this very moment asking for it is inconvenient. Lots of work for everyone, when the dust settles I’ll ask those questions.

Should I go through my manager? Should I just ask higher management? Not sure how to do it. 

Things happen in cycles, at least for me. I get a lot of interest around certain times, then I gain less interest in other times. 

Reason I mention this, strangely I saw doe online on the website on which we met. She didn’t even hide that it was her, it’s been some time when I saw her active. It brought about questions, memories both fond and not so fond. I do recall she asked me to leave her alone, so I did just that. 

That group which I was a part of well before her, seemingly is very toxic towards me. Not sure if it is due to misunderstandings, or her talking a lot about nonsense and making things a bigger deal than they were.

she still doesn’t understand all she said to me was “I cannot be your friend any longer,” and to that anyone you would have grown fond of over time surely that would hurt feelings. It hurt my feelings, so I spoke the cold hard truth to her and that hurt her feelings as well.

We were both hurt, and down the last time we conversed. She chose to bite the hand that feeds, and that’s okay. 

If there is to be amends she will reach out to me. I am not putting myself in a situation where either of us can be compromised, or where I would go back on my word and get out of her life. I do wish her the best, in whatever that is. 

Lots of thoughts, it’s been nearly 8 months, I wonder if she took washout lane or even entered the national guard....

I’ve never really ever dropped a sub, it’s always been a thing where they just flake and or they give up. 

I could tell she really really wanted us to work out, but she was being disrespectful, mean, rude, and all around deceptive. 

She didnt seem to get it the last time, but I had to be strait forward with her. 

“I no longer want you as my submissive. The connection that I thought was there, was not. Therefore there is nothing left to discuss on this front.” 

“So I was just a mistake?” 

“Understood...Goodbye Sir.” 

Then she was gone. 

I am hurting right now cause I wanted so bad to help her, but she wouldn’t listen. When communication is not there, it’s game over. 

She will he in my prayers. 

Mystery profiles with no history contacting me will be met with several feet of space and extreme scrutiny on my part. 

If you wish to contact me, contact me in such a fashion that involves you being who you are and not trying to keep yourself "hidden" on a fifth layer upon the fourth wall. 

Thank you. 

Plenty of anonymity to be had, plenty of information to be shared. One can't very get to know a facade, so there was no exchange of information. 

Good day.