Though some might say I've had an easy life, I've always struggled with the simple. What I mean by that is, things that seem obvious to others don't come to me. Not that I'm oblivious or outright ignorant, but that It's literally impossible for me to look at something and see the simple answer.
I over complicate things, frequently, from tying my shoes to buckling my shirts, I make it more difficult than it needs to be. I over think things, I worry about things that aren't difficult, or things that are not super important.
Let me explain why this matters: I had an opportunity to take in a particularly broken individual. She was a sweetheart, I gave her opportunity to come up with her pet name, she chose doe. She was very much like a doe, energetic..fun but very shy. Easily frightened too.
This sadly didn't work out, and my first reaction in every situation that doesn't work out is blame myself. I did exactly that. I went back, looked at all the messages, conversed with my mentor about it. I thought I was at fault: that I pushed her too hard, I put too much pressure on her, or I forced her into something that she didn't want.
However, upon re-examining the situation, I know for a fact I did nothing wrong. I would say it was a flawless victory, but here I am with a empty lap and more questions than answers. This victory was more about myself than anything where she ,though my focus and hopefully prize at the end of the tunnel, was taking the side car of the whole situation.
I was fighting a lot of her demons, it felt like Scott pilgrim vs the world at times. Lots of compromises were made, lots of 'i'll settle for that' on both of our counts. There was a moment where I should have realized where it was going south: she mentioned how "no one is ever there forever." This statement was her having second thoughts about 'us', which we were still in the get to know you stage. Followed by: "I'll always be your brat." Trying to distract me from the obvious, that she was having doubts.
I could have been bitter at her, however...thanks to her I feel like I've come to understand the importance of aftercare better. Staying up till 4 am all through the week so that she could go to sleep. I really cared for her, and still do. I wish her the best in her life, seeing as I am no longer a part of it.
I realized at this point that the community I was a part of, a Role Play community, is not where I should go to make lasting relationships. I can still be a positive uplifting individual, however my talents are wasted on most. This is where it has brought me to this place. The Cage, of course never been in someplace like this.
This is a new beginning for me, a new hope. I thank you for being such a welcoming community for me. I am looking forward to getting to know those in this group.
