Hello blog family. Well this brat got herself into more trouble. But this is beyond my usually antics to something that cuts much deeper. Literally. My Daddy is out of town for work and yesterday I had to sit with my feelings a lot about dealing with the assault that happened last week. It took my a very dark place. I could have coped with anything: journaling, calling someone, working out, getting out of the house. Literally anything. Instead I found myself sitting there with a blade in my hand ready to cut deep. Luckily, Daddy text me then called me right them.
My Daddy has a way of just in his voice bringing me back to my center. Helping me to find my peace, my joy,and my purpose. And he did that with his voice. In that moment I didn't tell him what I was about to do, but I did flush the razor. And coped in other ways by listening to music and dancing and then relaxing. This morning I made the confession to Daddy and asked to be punished. With him gone I have lost my center and I needed him to re-center me. And thus...after some sentences, I am supposed to write this blog about why I shouldn't cut. It's taken a lot to think about that.
But when I do think I realize this is Daddy's body. This is the body he finds beautiful. This is the body he cherishes. This is his. And if I cut it, I mutilate it, I carve into myself the very self-hate which Daddy wants to remove for me. And it doesn't fill anything. The release from cutting brings a brief relief in emotion, but shortly after it comes back. I never deal with the emotions because I turn them into physical pain. And that's not okay. It's not okay to run away from emotions or carve hate into my body. Instead I should talk to Daddy about my feelings. Let him be my strength. And when I can't talk I should journal it out and know I will talk to Daddy about it sometime.
Getting to that point and not reaching for something to cause me physical pain instead of emotional pain, will be hard. But it will make me better in the end. And I don't want the scars on my body. I am ashamed of them. Because they mark a moment where my hate for self grew too strong to deal with any other way. Perhaps I don't like my body or the circumstances of my life, but that does not mean I need to do something so permanent to my body. A moment of emotion doesn't warrant a long-lasting scar.
And cutting myself takes away from my relationships. With myself, my friends, and Daddy. Because it digs into me hate, doubt, and anger. It marks a body with hate, which Daddy wants to mark with love. It leaves an imprint that every day tells me how little I care about myself.
Finally I shouldn't cut, especially with why I wanted to, because by cutting myself I tell the man who assaulted me that he is in control. Or whoever angers me or makes me hate myself. I tell them that their words matter more than mine, than God, or than my Daddy.
This body is precious to God and to Daddy. This body is the only one I have. This body is held, nurtured, and cared for by Daddy and I will not make my own marks on it. My Daddy is the only one who will ever make marks on my body. And his marks are of love....and go away....and they don't cut deep physically. His marks, his love, go deep into my soul and fill me with light. So those are the only marks I will put on this body. This brat is going to find her beauty and this brat will never mark her body again.
