Standing in your own way:
Sometimes our struggle can make things look bad in the eyes of others. And when we try to explain our struggle, it can make things look worse. More often than not, our friends and family will band together with us in support and tell us it’s not us, it’s the Other.
But… what if it’s not? Or what if it is more that it’s both of you breaking it together?
Not long ago I met a Man. Things felt so right. Despite my years of preparing myself and creating a list of wants and needs and expectations and an image of how I thought everything would be, jumping in faster than anyone was happy with, I then also methodically let go of almost all of the “standards” I had put in place. Needless to say, this alarmed everyone around me. ‘What are you doing?!’ they kept asking. “To be honest, I don’t know,” I would reply. Yes… He wasn’t what I had said I wanted. He is far from perfect. He is messy and immoral and selfish. He smokes and drinks and is unfit and unhealthy. He knows nothing of protocol and isn’t particularly active within the BDSM community. To the naked eye, He is almost the complete opposite of everything I had put in place of what I wouldn’t accept less than. And yet, there was something my heart saw in Him enough to say, “Him… I choose Him.”
The things that aren’t so obvious is that He is loyal and He is kind and He is selfless in ways that matter to me. He fights for what He believes in. He protects what’s His, and what’s His is family. He is loved. And He is loved by amazing people. That tells me a lot. He accepts flaws… both in Himself and others. Mostly though? He makes me laugh. He makes me feel good… and bad. There is something natural about how His dominance… or more… His essence… reaches into me, and I simply can’t find the words to explain it. These things… these subtle things that can’t be seen unless one pays attention and looks beyond the obvious… those are the.things. Those are the things I love about Him. The things I couldn’t put words to. The things that despite our struggles, make me want to keep trying. He is worth fighting for. What I didn’t realise was that the war was within myself.
He triggers the shit out of me. This journey with Him has been so challenging, I can no longer count the times I’ve almost walked away. And vice versa for Him. In fact recently we did end things. But here I am, sitting on His lounge once again… this very lounge where not that long ago I felt I had found a home, contemplating everything. I was worried about Him being alone, and funnily enough He was worried about the very same for me. So we had a very real conversation. And then we had another one. And another one. We were finally honest about everything. Who knew there could be levels to honesty? And then we spent a day together as friends. And it was awesome. I realised what I had been missing by carrying this idea that my mind had created of what M/s and myself as a slave, and He as a Master, “should” look like. I was missing out on sharing the best parts of me with Him. And I was missing out on seeing the best parts of Him. Because there was a veil of “should” shrouding everything my eyes looked upon between us. It occurred to me that this whole time, the struggle has been Him trying to strip away an idea I had created and was fighting tooth and nail to keep. A plan that needed to be stuck to… no matter what. Even at the cost of us.
Being with Him has made me question everything. Everything. Especially myself as a slave. I realised that for me it’s not about the frills… it’s about the person. I realised that despite everything I have said here over the years, I will gladly let go of all of it to conform to what He asked of me. That is how I am as a slave. It doesn’t matter to me how it looks to others. I don’t care if we seem vanilla. If He is my Master, I will know it, deep in my bones. Deep in the places that matter to me, and hopefully to Him. The complete irony of it all is that all He has been asking of me is to be myself… my real self… not an idea of how I think I should be.
During this journey I have reached out to everyone I know and love and respect and cherish, seeking guidance. Because I knew this was what I really wanted, and I knew I was fucking it up. I could see it all slipping through my fingers, and had no idea how to stop that from happening. I even went to those I figured would tell me to pull my head in. That didn’t happen. Finally I went to a beloved friend. And she gave me precisely what I needed. Help. Help in the way I needed. She gave me guidance to look at what I needed to take responsibility for, and the kick in the butt to let go of what needed to be let go of. Her wisdom astounds me. And it has shown me the value of having the right support. Those who understand and know intimately what it’s like for your specific journey. Those who will hear that you don’t want to give up just yet, so will stand in your corner, even if it may be a mistake.
He and I are not back together. Officially. But we have something. We are trying to create our own something. We are letting go of how it “should” look. How we “should” be. And we are just being us. And I have to say, it feels great! In so many ways He has brought me back to life. Brought me back into the world. The “me” I had forgotten about, and thought I couldn’t bring on this journey. I hadn’t realised how small I had made myself… that I was disappearing. How can I not love Him for that?
I am letting go of expectations and a need for outcome. I’m just going to enjoy myself for a while and see where life takes me.
Yes, I see the hypocrisy in it all. Believe me I see it. I have turned my back on everything I have said over the years. The box I had created for myself. I’ve changed my mind. And to be honest, I’m trying to learn to no longer judge myself so harshly for changing my mind in life. I didn’t realise that what was making me so exhausted was trying to stick to a plan that I had created in my mind of how everything needed to be. Tending daily to the “story.” Even if things don’t work out between us, I feel more free than I have in a long time. Am I a slave? Many would now say, no. And to be perfectly honest… I’m ok with that. It is not a community that I kneel to. It is one Man. And I will kneel however He wants me to… if He wants that of me. Perhaps that makes me more of a free-range slave 😊
