Love has been the theme for me this past week. This morning brought with it an interesting epiphany. Somewhere along the lines, I picked up the belief that “earned” love is more valuable than “freely-given” love. Interestingly though… at the same time, I made a promise that I wouldn’t be the type of person who made others need to earn my love… I wanted to give it freely.
A side thought… does this mean that I see my love as less valuable?
Receiving freely-given love has always felt unfamiliar and unsafe. And if I’m truly being honest, a little bit boring. There’s no drama if there’s no struggle… and the truth of the truth is that those of us with addictive personalities sure like (the) “passion” (of some good old drama). I always pined to be accepted and seen and loved for who I am… and yet I wanted to struggle and work and feel that I needed to earn that. Why? Because it seems somehow more “romantic”?
My last Master gave me the gift of experiencing being given love freely. At the time I rejected it and even fought against it. I also learned that my love wasn’t as freely given as I believed. It’s not until now that I even became capable of recognising that that’s one of the many gifts He gave me, as I now find myself in His position… learning to truly nurture that in myself and give that gift to another. I didn’t realise that above everything, He was actually teaching me how to love, in a real way, not the (I see now) childish way I had always thought was love. I now see too that this is why, confusingly, throughout all the struggles, my heart both rejected, and felt safe with Him.
It makes me wonder… will I still have the drive to be a slave if my drive doesn’t come from a place of needing to “earn” love? What if my slavery came from a place of strength? Of believing that I am already loved? That I am already enough? What if my slavery came from a place of trusting that I will always have enough to give? What if I learn that it is my purpose to help Him believe in Himself, simply by loving Him in a way that feels safe so that He too can believe He is loved and enough and doesn’t need to “earn” love?
But I need help to do that. I need the help of those whose guidance I trust. Is it wrong for me to go to Others to seek that guidance? They say it takes a village to raise a child. Perhaps too it takes a village to be a slave?
