Acceptance can open new and unexpected doorways. As someone who tends to bleed all over the pages, I doubt it’s any secret that my relationship ended not too long ago.
It’s been messy.
Not in a malicious way. But in a human way.
We still love each other very much. And we just kept having moments of wanting to try again and again and again. But we kept coming to the same place. The same insurmountable place of realising we’re simply in very different places… or not compatible… or, whatever. The obvious fact is, we just don’t work together. It has been mostly me that has struggled with the acceptance of this. He’s much more pragmatic with matters of the heart.
Having said that, in a weird way we do fit. We are a team. A family. A mishmash of misfits that have ended up together (he, myself, and our furry human that would be absolutely mortified to learn she’s actually a dog 🙄lol).
The most recent time of “wanting to try again,” I gently reminded him of where we would end up again within a few weeks. I explained that although I love him and will support him and be by his side, it cannot be as “his.” I needed to close that door and stop waiting to be enough. We are so much better together with a little distance between us.
But…
I relented a few days later and said I wanted to try again too. To which he then reminded me. Lol.
Messy.
Pondering the situation, I finally found acceptance. And a beautiful realisation.
He is my best friend. And he’s a *great* best friend. And I am a *great* best friend to him.
We soothe each other’s souls with some kind of mutual understanding I’ve not encountered before. Perhaps because our wounds are so similar. Which too could explain our struggles when we’re too close.
With that little bit of distance we can relax and feel safe and appreciate the other for who we truly are. Without fear.
The struggle I’ve had is in recognising the behaviours I carry that contributed towards our undoing. I kept thinking that if only I could just “fix” myself fast enough we’d be ok. That’s no way to live. And that’s no way to love. And that’s certainly no way to feel safely loved.
And, it’s simply not true.
There is no time schedule. Nor should there be pressure to have one. That was just my stubbornness and denial.
After a wonderful conversation with my sister recently, I decided to make a pact with myself. She said I’m much better in relationships than I am out of them. I thrive in a relationship, yet when on my own, I kind of become dormant. Like I’m simply waiting. The truth of this hit hard. I’ve actually never before felt so seen. And to be honest, as much as a part of me loved that. A part of me also, didn’t.
I’m not the type of person who has ever just wanted to focus on my strengths. Rather, I prefer to find my weaknesses and strengthen them. I don’t know why. And it has made for a life of not really experiencing many moments that don’t involve struggle. The drive for wholeness is stronger than the need for comfort I guess.
So… the pact. No focus on any potential for a relationship for at least a year. I want to spend time alone. Truly alone. No “back-up plan.” No online. Nothing. Just me. Friends, of course. Friends, with no agenda.
The first thing I felt?
Fear, of course. Then, strangely, relief.
I had no idea how much I had begun somewhere along the lines of placing my value and worth on whether or not someone else wanted me. Yikes. Which of course was adding to my already diminishing self-esteem that I had left behind somewhere in my thirties.
It has been suggested I’ve been punishing myself. I think there’s an element of truth to that. I also think there’s a lot more. But it doesn’t matter anymore.
New journey. New path. New adventure.
I asked my sister to hold me accountable. So the next time I run to her gushing about some guy (because of course I will!), I’ve asked her to remind me of my promise to myself.
‘What if you meet the one?!’ First question everyone asks. Also the first question I asked myself (aren’t we just such beautifully hopeless romantics? 😊).
‘Well, if I meet the one… they’ll understand,’ I said to both myself and others.
I understand so much better now how time means very little more than the emphasis we place on it. I am happy. I can be happy alone. My value, when I meet another, won’t come from having them in my life. But it will be wonderful to want to, and know I can, share it with them in a way that doesn’t come from a place of thinking that it does.
