sometimes when we talk,
I have to refrain from saying, ‘I love you.’
sometimes,
it still sits so close to the surface.
sometimes I can forget,
and fool myself into believing I’m moving on.
sometimes,
I want to reach out and touch your face.
run my fingers through your beard.
curl up in your arms.
your smell. your warmth. engulfing me.
I thought the pain was gone.
why on some days does it still feel so fresh?
she gave you a bracelet.
a gift to you, yet it pierced my heart like an arrow.
I want to scream and shout at the unfairness of it all.
but I don’t. there’s no point.
there never was.
all I can do is sit with this pain that seems to have made a home in me.
and when I’m alone, allow it the only escape that makes sense.
one day my tears for you will cease.
until then I will give myself grace.
I will hold and forgive the parts that still hurt.
that can’t seem to let go…