The worst part isn't if it didn't work out, its the what if. The maybe's or could have been's, the you'll never know now, the agony of wondering.
And now I sit here, feeling like I need to wait. To be patient and calm. If I was given a choice I would have taken the chance, rather than miss an opportunity and suffer the unknown ending.
Its been a really long time since I've been this conflicted with myself and its still such a struggle for me. All my life, I've always been less. Selfless, worthless, too much, too intense.
I keep having people asking me if I'm genuine or real? How do you even respond to that? I think of myself as nothing, because all my value and worth had always been what I can do for others, how things affect others, how it makes others feel, think, act or respond.
From an early age I was taught not to react, not allowed to show anger, frustration, express doubts or thoughts, don't be scared. Be quiet, don't talk back. Just shut up and do as you're told. You can't hit him back he's younger than you. Take what you get, and if you complain I'll give you something to complain about. Useless, worthless...worm faced little shit. What you want doesn't matter, let it go, worthless two faces lying little slut.
I would go further, do more and break myself over and over again for others but yet cannot seem to even manage the simplest things when it comes to taking care of my self, because for as long as I remember my self did not exist.
Now I keep feeling like a failure, a pathetic little fool for struggling so much with something that is so easy and simple yet for me feels like a mountain on my shoulders.
Every time someone asks for a picture, I feel myself shy away. Every time I have to go out into a group of people, I feel it creep back in. The nothingness, the emptiness, the dark black place I roamed alone for so long.
I feel like I'm fighting my self and I don't know who is going to win. It's so tiring, so very very tiring, just trying to be me.
In the end I can offer no more or less than all of me, and the problem with that is it's so hard for others to see.
I feel invisible, like I'm shrouded in fog, keep hearing echoes but never find dry land.
Adrift in the waters, swimming along, trying to find something, someone.
Maybe my surrender should just be letting go, drifting into the waters, sinking down below, till the waves and I become one.
There are always growing pains, things we see and understand only later on, connections and wisdom that dawns on us after things have been said or done...
I thought I had met a very special someone and oh how happy it made me inside, that he saw a part of me no one else could see, right from the go it was comfortable and right, and this in itself is so unusual for me...hope blossomed.
Such a short time, so wonderful and magical it still makes me smile, then all of a sudden gone. I would normally wonder what I did wrong, this time however my voice is singing a different tune. I found myself deeply worried and terribly saddened by the thought that I had someone pushed this wonderful charming person into a darkness, triggered something they were fighting, showing them something they weren't yet ready for.
I keep hearing that you attract what you put out there but I can't see how these things are what I'm putting out.
Before we spoke I wanted so much the person that in a day managed to bring out parts of me I never even knew existed. The rational part of me says it has nothing to do with me, but the emotional part is upset that this person might be in a bad place emotionally because of me. If I'd ever had to describe my perfect dom...it would have been him, and now it seems I've gone and done it again. Everyone seems to disappear or evaporate as soon as they start to see me, the real me.
Over My short time here I've already had so many wonderful conversations, and made many like minded friends, seem first hand mentorship and the family/community embracing one another. It's beautiful and I love it, thank you all for the support and love shown to me so far.
Always a favorite
Could I please get some feedback and advice on being a little and a medium? I'm pretty sure my little is throwing a crazy fit/temper tantrum today (hence my other crazy posts) but have no idea if it why?
And keep seeing the term little but nothing that explains or references it?
????
Like the haze of a distant fog, memories rising up, the beast inside me rages, awake again after who knows how long.
Like a beating war drum, my blood sings, hums, throbs in my veins like a storm cloud waiting to let loose it's thunderous downpour.
FIGHT it says, flood in my senses, drowning my thoughts, RIP, CUT-BLOOD BLOOD!!
A screaming cacophony or rage.
Mayhaps its time to begin the hunt, to be let loose, set free~time to run run RUN!
All this savage glory fighting to get out, its time to run wild child- time to come out.
Feeling furious today and I have no idea why which is just makin it even worse. If I had to find a tipping point I might say it was when someone decided to call me "too extra" for expressing frustration over someone else wasting my time. And that's when the fire began.
Now it's a blazing inferno and I feel like anyone pushing me is really in for a nasty suprise, because I'm in No way my normal, king reserved and EXTRA CHEERFUL FUCKING SUNSHINE DAISY SELF- today I go for the jugular so back off or fight me and pay the price!!