I've never been good at sharing what I go through or what I think, which has led to some issues. So I'm going to be myself, and share my journey into finding myself.
This is kinda a long explanation, but it'll hopefully make sense at the end.
So when J was in the hospital the one thing I'd get called a lot was Devil Woman. And to be honest at first it bugged me, I hated how they saw me as a "devil" because I was fighting for my husband's rights. Now, I look at it as a matter of pride. I scared doctors to the point where they would look at my side of things and understand why I fought so hard. Today, I look at it as an extension of myself. I am a Devil Woman in a way. I protect the ones I love and cherish, and if need be will bring the fires of hell to do so. So my name change to DevilWoman is me fully accepting my role as a protector. I guess the explanation wasn't as long as I thought it would be.
I figured making this a post would make things easier in the long run. I have officially found (she actually found me) my one. I am amazed that such a beautiful and wonderful woman would talk to me in the first place. However, I'm not dumb enough to let her go either. Not saying that we know absolutely everything about each other, because we don't, but I do look forward to learning everything I can about her.
So for the lovely people who've messaged me and asked if I've found my one. Yes I have. (Happy squeal!) And I am not going to apologize for it. I am blessed beyond all measure to have been found by her, and I am so looking forward to the future with her. I know that there will be trials that we will go through, but we will go through them together.
My MidightKoneko you have made me a happier person by shining your light into my dark world. I cannot wait to see what the future brings my Luna.
I hope you guys have an amazing day and don't give up on what you seek, the wait is worth the reward.
I have found the one, my soul says to me. The one who will heal all that pain you see. The one who will love you no matter what she sees. The one who will set me free. I have found the one! My soul exclaims. She's my other half, the one who completes me. The one who feels what I feel and loves me for me. I'm happy and safe. My soul contently sighs. Because I've found the one who was designed for me. I have found my Luna, the light to my world, who was made just for me.
Another night, another nightmare. It seems to be never-ending. Yet, talking about it with people who actually seem to give a damn and who don't automatically tell me to buckle up and move on, has been freeing in so many ways. Still scary though, let's be honest.
What was it tonight? My father, the man who was supposed to protect me. The man who was supposed to teach me how a man is supposed to act, failed. Instead of teaching me that a true man will love you and cherish you, he taught me that being myself is not allowed. He taught me to hide myself from the world, because no one would love that. He taught me that the only thing I would ever be good for was a human punching bag, someone he could let all of his anger out on. Why? Why did he have no problem showering my little sister with love and affection, when she lied to him. Yet when it came to me, I was always the one who screwed up. My grades weren't enough, I didn't help out enough around the house, I ate too much, or I was disrespectful. I watched three kids, the oldest of which was eight years younger than me, I cleaned the entire house by myself. I cooked all the meals that they ate, and everything else that they asked of me. Why? Because I thought that if I did that he would be happy, that he would be proud of me, and that he would love me. Eventually he started treating the rest of the kids the same exact way. My little sister was no longer his little princess. When that happened I still did everything I could, I protected them, making sure that his anger was directed towards me, making sure that he didn't go after them. Why? Because I was determined to be the type of parent those three needed. They type of parent that he wasn't. Was it worth it? Hell yeah. I am so proud of those three. They are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in. They are not afraid to speak their minds. Most of all, they had a normal childhood. Because I refused to let them become as damaged as I was and am.
Now I know why he treats me the way he does. It's simple. I screwed up his perfect little image of the perfect little family. How? Simple, I was born breech. I was born with messed up ears and a messed up hip. I'm half deaf, and I have a hip problem that requires me to see a chiropractor every month or so. Yet I'm still here. I'm still standing. He thinks he won. He thinks that I'm messed up. Am I? Yes. Yet I'm not letting that stand in my way. I'm determined more than ever to keep going. I have the support of J, my siblings, and my mom. I don't need him. I don't want him. I have nothing to prove to the man who tried to destroy me. In fact the only thing I have to do, is to just keep going. I will make my way without his help. I will be the me I want to be.
I think of this song every single time I think of the kids and what my childhood was like.
"well I will be the strongest that he ever knew,
and I will be there when he needs a love strong enough,
don't worry I will carry your share for us,
no matter how bad the storm,
I will be the strongest that he ever knew,
and we'll leave you alone.
As usual, I hope ya'll have an amazing day and stay safe in these crazy times. 🙂
My heart it bleeds, As I relive what I've seen. It breaks, As it watches the younger me. I wish I could go back, And change my past. I wish I could save her, And make it go away. Instead I hold her, And cry instead. Hoping she feels, The love I give. It's not your fault, I whisper in her ear. This doesn't define you, I tell her softly. You're stronger than you will ever know, I say as I kiss her forehead. I watch as she gets back up, And whisper goodbye as I wake. From the past, My dreams are made of.
There will be days when I may not talk much. Life has dealt me an interesting hand and I'm still learning how to play all of my cards. Not saying I'll just up and ignore you for weeks on end, but I may not respond immediately for a few hours.
I don't trust easily. I've been hurt before. The walls I have keep me sane, and keep others at a safe distance. But when I do trust you, and share things... don't fuck me over and tear me apart.
I deal with anxiety, and I'm still learning how to deal with it. So be understanding if I have a panic attack, don't automatically go into a rant about how I need to get on medications. There's a reason I'm not on them.
I absolutely hate liars. Honesty is the most important trait to me. If you lie to me, you had better tell me. Because if I find out in another way, I won't be a ray of sunshine about it. There will be consequences for lying. That doesn't mean that I'll just deal with repeated lies. I will say something, I will warn you when I am about to be done with your lies.
I will respect your boundaries. What you are comfortable and what you are uncomfortable with is your right as a person. As part of that I require a safe-word. Most people automatically have one, other's don't. Having a safe-word makes it so much easier for me just simply because I don't have to second guess if I'm doing something that you are not comfortable with. If you use it, we will talk about it. I need to know what happened so that it: One, doesn't happen again, and two, so that it doesn't become an awkward moment between us.
I like to use a color system. Simply put, whatever we're doing I need to know you're okay with it. Green (I'm okay/I'm enjoying myself), Yellow (I have questions/I'm concerned), Red (I'm scared/I need to stop). This is in addition to the safe-word.
Health is a priority to me. I'm not saying that you have to be the healthiest person in the world. What I am saying is that no matter the health issue I want to support you, not only as your dominant, but also your friend.
Aftercare will always happen, it doesn't matter if it was a simple session or an intense session. I will ALWAYS take care of you afterwards. I will help you clean up, get you a food and drink if needed, and have no problem just holding you while you relax.
I am a sadist, watching the strike of a flogger, the smack of a paddle, or just even my hand on your ass is a big thing for me. I understand that is a scary thing for some, but I will still respect your boundaries and listen to you if you have concerns.
Everyone has their own demons, even me. There will be days when they rear their ugly heads and try to bring me down into my past. I understand and want to support you, and I ask that you do the same for me. Whether it's just a simple, Hey you've got this. or, Wanna talk about it? it helps.
Bottom line is, I'm not just looking for a quick and easy thing. I want a friend to stick by and someone who'll stick by me. After all, if I'm performing the role of Dominant for you, we need to be more than just random strangers to do that effectively.
I figured I would put this out there. Not just because it helps me understand myself, but also because it helps others understand me better as well.As usual I hope y'all have an amazing and wonderful day. 😎 Stay safe!
Everyone at some point has a song or songs that they can relate too. Whether it be a song that they consider to be their anthem or whether it be a song that reflects their mood in some way shape or form. Me... well, I'm extremely music oriented. I love music to the point where I will play pieces that inspire me. For instance, Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel is a song that I heard throughout my childhood. My mom would play that a lot, either through CD/tape/You-tube or just playing it herself. That song is the reason I can play piano. It is a song that I know by heart, and to this day can sit down at a piano and play. It calms me, focuses me, and allows me to heal. That doesn't mean that, that is the only song I listen too though. My favorite types if music include: country, classical, pop, bluegrass, gospel, contemporary christian, hymns, and blues. I cannot stand certain types though... 😒 such as rap. There are songs that will annoy me to the point where I will find whatever is playing it and make it stop. (If it is possible) If I can't make it stop, I'll leave.
My theme song... it's a remix of Survivor by Destiny's Child. Nothing against the original song, I just prefer the remix done by 2WEI. Why? Well... I've survived enough crap throughout my entire life, that I consider myself to be one. It's also one I'll listen to if I'm in a funk. I thought I'd share some uplifting music that inspires me to take one step after the other depending on what crap I'm pushing through.
Inspiring, Ass-Busting Music (with links):
Survivor by 2WEI
Phoenix by League of Legends
Legends Never Die by League of Legends
Warriors by League of Legends
Fight Back by Neffex (Amazing workout song)
Confident by Demi Lavato
Twisted by MISSIO
Rise by League of Legends
Awaken by League of Legends
The line that repeats through my head on repeat right now: "So are you gonna die today or make it out alive? You gotta conquer the monster in your head and then you'll fly" - Phoenix
My bdsm journey started in my late teens. I knew I wasn't normal pretty quickly the more I looked at myself. So I started looking on the internet. The BDSM quiz was my starting point, I figured out from there that I was "different" but I couldn't accept that. I only knew about the submissive side at the time (the way I was expected to act growing up) my alpha like father didn't like it when someone wasn't submissive and still doesn't to this day. Well that changed when I was 17... It was a normal part of my life to be yelled at, have something thrown at me, being punished for "misbehaving" (usually meant the damn leather belt), dodging hits, or just taking the hit to protect my siblings. I snapped, I remember turning around and hitting back. Why? Because I was tired of being stepped on, tired of being walked all over, but most importantly I was tired of being told I wasn't worth anything.
I remember my back being on fire, because he had repeatedly hit me with his belt. It wasn't because I had done something wrong, but because my siblings were "making too much noise"... We were playing chutes and ladders and I would make the woosh sound anytime someone went down a slide and and tip-tip sound everytime someone went up a ladder. I did it because they laughed when I did. That's what I wanted, I wanted them to laugh and have fun and enjoy being kids... They were in front of me, scared to death. For me that was my turning point. I will take all the verbal, physical, and sometimes mental abuse in the world, but when it comes to someone I love and cherish, hell when it comes to someone I would die for. No, hell no. I hit back.
Fast forward 2 years, after I met an "amazing" guy. It was awesome at first. He treated me better than my dad ever did. But then the hits started coming and one day he took it too far. I thought, would I want my kids to be around this? The next day I left. Swore off guys and said fuck you to the world. I knew then I would never be able to submit to anyone again. It goes against my nature.
I retook the bdsm test, and found out that I was a dominant. Took me awhile to wrap my head around that. I also learned I'm a sadist. That wasn't as hard to accept. I'm not particularly proud of that side but it's there.
All that to say, that now... I'm a strong woman. I'm proud of how far I've come. I'm still growing and that's fine with me.
Hope y'all have an amazing day, because I know I will. Thanks for reading! 😎
Yep, I haven't been keeping up with this. As I have come to face. So time to face the music and explain what's been going on... this ought to be fun 😎.
January started with a bang for me. I got a letter from my employer saying that I was being terminated. Oh, ok.... I kept positive. Things can only get better. Or so I thought.
February came around and my mental health flatlined. I've always dealt with anxiety. I'm an outgoing person, I love being around people. So... have social anxiety came as a shock and having a panic attack in the middle of WALMART came as a very BIG shock. So... I said fuck it and stayed home. Unless I had to go somewhere I didn't.
March arrived with it's normal sass. I ended up going to the store and buying my husband (who we'll call J from now on) his birthday gift by myself and did pretty well for the most part. Until I ran into my Ex (abusive and manipulative jerk). Then I started seeing the signs. I talked it over with J and he's been super supportive of me and is genuinely concerned about my panic attacks becoming more and more of an issue.
April arrived with me waking up screaming in the middle of the night, generally followed by a panic attack. Which scared J alot more than he let on. So much so that he got ahold of my mom and they started talking trying to figure out what to do to help. She lives 3+ states away so she can't come and help. So I agreed to see a psychiatrist.
June comes and I'm apprehensive. My initial visit was coming up and I didn't know how to prepare for any of that jazz. The psychiatrist's office called and canceled the appointment... so I called to reschedule. This happened 4 times. The last time I called I was informed that they were closing the practice and that because I wasn't a patient I wouldn't be getting referred to someone else. I was done by that point. Instead I started doing what I call a dream journal of sorts. Whenever I wake up screaming or just startled I write down what happened and then later I go back and read it. By the time I read it I've generally gotten some sleep. Which has allowed me to figure out why I have been having problems with my anxiety spiraling out of control. Father's Day went rather interestingly. J tripped over a GIANT crack in some concrete and ended up landing on his shoulder. He refused to get it checked out.
July came with some news... Finally convinced J to see someone about his shoulder. We saw a PA who (no offense meant to the wonderful people out there who are actually nice to the people they see) I just about lost it on, ended up causing him an extreme amount of pain in the process of diagnosing it. Refers us to a surgeon saying it's "just slightly fractured" who later informed us that he broke his clavicle all the way through. Complete clean break. (Sorry for the rant) Gave him some pain pills and a sling to stabilize it and said to go home.
August appeared and came with good news J's clavicle is healing at a remarkable rate and they're impressed. Still not completely healed but he is doing so much better... I'm still doing the dream journal, which has helped me so much with controlling my anxiety. (No more panic attacks in Walmart) Yay! 😁
So now y'all are caught up. Sorry for the long post. I'm not going to go and say I'm going to do this and no. I will update this blog as I go. Allowing me to be myself and also allowing me to share with people who may understand me a whole lot better that other have.
