YEARS ago now W/we attended a really excellent workshop entitled Trauma and the incoming slave. In it the presenters used different wording to discuss something I've talked about often; learned truths. These are thought processes which you arent consciously aware of necessarily. You find them in picking apart and examining behaviors. The behaviors reveal truths you deeply hold and act upon without being consciously aware. The subconscious part is important. You shouldn't be punished (imho) for something which you ace completely unaware of. Seek to become aware YES. Have it pointed out YES. Once it is pointed out, actively work on dealing with it YES... but it's really not fair to be held responsible for things which you are blind to.
The important thing to note also is the "truth" part. These things are so powerful as to influence your behavior because, to you, to your past, they are exactly that... TRUTH. Things that have borne out as causational in past relationships, and you've accepted them on some level. We accept gravity as true, so this truth influences our actions and decision making every moment of every day. We don't stop to contemplate the effect of gravity, or if we are considering it... it's a truth, it's a fact of our awareness on a deep and unconscious level. No, I'm not going to put my coffee cup on that edge of the counter. I don't need to think or rationalize why... GRAVITY.
For the month MstrJ and I have been living on the edge of that countertop edge. We are doing everything we can to keep moving and functioning. We've actually had amazing moments of closeness and success. There is a lifetime goal that W/we are working towards, that W/we have discussed... and the way He brought it up recently was really deeply impactful in positive ways. He has spoken to my mom about my safety, and done what He can to reassure her. His family has on occasion reached out to me to check on me, and see how O/our daughter is getting along. He has tried to keep my spirits up, and has even stepped up to take over control of an area of my life that was really causing me a massive amount of stress. As winter has set in, we have more time. We have spent that time reconnecting in wonderful meaningful ways.
Last night, however, I came face to face with the fact that I've been letting one of those learned truths influence my behavior in unfair ways, ways that are contrary to O/our dynamic, ways that were totally unfair to Him. He has not blamed me. He is not angry with me, or disappointed (and He would have every right to be!) Instead He completely understands where this "learned Truth" comes from, and W/we are going to work at unlearning it.
I am his slave. I am His girl. I'm a lot of things... and He gives me a lot of room to handle life because right now my life is literally halfway around the globe. It doesnt WORK to wait until He gives me permission to eat.... because everything up to and including very unreliable internet and power conspires. Being a reasonable and good Master means giving me a way to sort out life on the regular within agreed upon parameters. He sets those parameters, and I move within them, knowing that that is obedience, and that is where "good girl" is. .......
There are days we have all day, 24 hours together.... there are WEEKS when we have all day 24 hours together... but there are also days and weeks where we wave and say "I love you" and run our separate directions. Me being mom and teacher and homemaker and Him being provider and employee (hopefully foreman really soon 😉 ) and homeowner and son etc. That's good and right. As a result thought there are days when I dont have the luxury of time to check in face to face. and THAT's the excuse. The justification which covers a fear. The fear born of a learned truth.
PAST:
My aunt dropped me off at the sidewalk at age 5 when she thought my mom was dying and left me to deal with it.
My mom's friends left me when they thought she was dying... and I was left alone when she was being unintentionally OD'd on pain meds because the stupid pharmacy screwed up the conversions...
My dad walked out because "handicapped wasnt in his marriage vows"
Various D types in the past: "Do you think I come here for this stress? Do you think when I log on here I want to handle your shit?" "Handle your own problems or I will release you." "I give you exactly one job and you cant even manage to get that right." "If I come out of this I will do everything I can to never wind up in this situation again, so I sure as hell won't have the time to put up with your problems atop that." .... etc etc etc etc etc ... oh, my favorite was telling me that I asked him to hold my emotional trashbag... and he was a pen with no more ink left in it. *thumbs up*.
Now, when you hear stuff like that from one person, ok, you can let it go... but when you hear it over and over again then there is this addage that says maybe you're the problem? So that's the truth I internalized. If I do that whole transparency and complete honesty thing and share all the shit in my life, I'll be too much for the person I'm with. They will not want to put up with my shit, and they will get tired of me and leave, and that's my fault because I'm unreasonable or wrong for the way I share.
I meet MstrJ and He has NEVER done anything to make me believe that He would be that way... He has always asked me to be honest. He has ALWAYS been right there with me toeing the line with me against whatever I'm facing. He has seen me through every last little bit of it... and for years I've been very transparent about all of the good the bad and the stressful I'm facing............ until this month.
This month I've NOT been transparent. This month I held a LOT back. I did not withhold anything out of fear of angering Him. I did not do anything wrong that I was hiding. I did not hold anything back because I believed that I'd be in trouble.... I was afraid that it was all too fucking much.
I'm literally in physical danger every minute of every day.
My world is on the brink of very possibly Armageddon and that's not an exaggeration.
My country is in a financial freefall, and I've been completely stripped of any semblance of financial capability to *anything*. To everything I've prided myself on <<< fuck that hurts.
I'm a social pariah here because of a stance I took as a gut reaction, and while I shared the situation, I did not share the continuing and spiraling fallout.
My friends have abandoned me, and in many cases have shunned me or outright disowned me.
I'm a target for mockery and abuse, threats and everything else.
Our child has had to face some fallout from it too, though I've worked HARD to shield her as best I can.
I've been sick, she's been sick... and it's just one thing atop another with no break or pause.
So what have I done? Put on a brave face. I held my head up, out on a smile, greeted Him, spent wonderful positive time together, and tried to push on through. What I did not do is tell Him how afraid I've been. How hurt I've been. How much I'm struggling in every single area from friends to work to feeling unsafe... I did not tell him the continuing consequences of that situation. I should have. I SHOULD HAVE.
It was not because I don't trust Him. It's because of that learned truth, that I need help to unlearn. Those other people, they could not handle reality. They were not meant to handle my reality. They ran for the hills because it wasnt what they desired. I was not the slave for them. Thank God, because not a single one of them holds a damn candle to Him. He can, does, and will continue to desire to hold it all. To know it all. To support me and help me handle it all. He isn't swayed by the deep, hard, scary realities. He is not going to decide one day that he is "burned out" because He knows all that I offer and all that I'm worth, and that comes specifically because of all the stupid insanity I've been through and am still going through. He is not them. Those truths do not apply. Just because I KNOW that doesn't magically erase the fear and make changing my learned behavior a done thing. It's going to take time and effort... but I'm grateful for His understaning and forgiveness and patience with me.
So for now, He's going to ask me explicitly and give me a time to unload all the bad shit that has hit the fan in the day, so I know that He wants to hear it... so that my fears don't get the better of me. So I know that in sharing I'm doing exactly what He wants, and I'm not just being a debbie downer.
for the past:
To remember:
If I had the chance would I take any of it back? It's always darkest before the dawn.
His slaveMikayla,
Thank You for all the ways You help me grow. Thank You for never making me feel like work. Thank You for your gentle patience. Thank You for being trustworthy and consistent. Thank You for holding me when I feel like I can't carry my own weight. Thank You for always reminding me of the worth You see. I am immeasurably grateful to You.
