Ever Evolving

Chaos... Anxiety....and Rampant thoughts that I am unable to stop. So many triggers exploding around me. The serene mask I wear gives nothing away. My eyes are mirrors reflecting back what you want and need to see. For so long I was able to shut the door. To be happy and free from my demons, but they found a crack and wormed their way back. Do I hide in my mind and let my younger self come out and play...to protect me? Avoidance at it's best? Do I beg for the pain and sting of the hand, crop, or flogger? Knowing the teeter tottering between pain and pleasure can give me not only a physical but mental release as well? I fear that even that won't be enough. I pretend to be your perfect little kitten. I try my best to please you and all those around me. The stress is breaking me piece by piece. I know I should lean on you, but I don't want to burden you. I fear failure as a sub, as a wife, as a woman, and it is getting to be too much for me. The storm is not rolling by and I am sinking further.