8 months ago. Sep 23, 2019, 3:04 PM
I submitted. Now what?
Today's topic will be a continuation letter to New Submissives. These are things to look out for to make sure you are in a healthy D/s dynamic. Please feel free to chime in with any that I may have missed or corrections in the comments. I am still learning them myself.
1. Use of safe words:
These are needed for your mental and physical health. At times you may be too overwhelmed in a scene or even every day life to be able to express yourself in sentences. These words can, and should, stop what is happening in its tracks so you and your Dom can discuss what went wrong or why you felt overwhelmed.
2. Continuing your education:
Your Dom should not only try to guide you himself, but also encourage you to continue to educate yourself about the lifestyle. We should never stop learning.
3. Your Dom should be concerned about your mental, physical, and emotional well being at all times. No, they may not coddle you, but they should always be mindful of these three things.
4. If it is a new D/s dynamic, it shouldn't be all sex or play all the time. There should be some conversations so you can each discover turn ons, turn offs, limits, maybe punishment ideas depending on Dom, maybe tasks or things you would like to accomplish for submissive or personal growth. Discussing what you hope/want/need to develop in your dynamic together. Hopes and dreams for future. How much power exchange you want or can give. How much time you can commit to the dynamic. Same can be discussed about what power exchange level they want and their time availability. What they want or expect from you and vice versa. If you want a monogamous relationship, no other subs...although, this should have been discussed before you chose to submit. If you truly didn't like something done with a scene, you should be using safe words, but other wise let them know about a new hard or soft limit you discovered. Consistency is also important, things shouldn't be ignored or changed at a whim. Communication is very important. Doms are not mind readers or phsychics.
-Contracts or a document listing everything you discussed and finalized is a good reference to look back to when problems or questions arise. You can even agree to revisit them at certain periods of time to revise and discuss what is or is not working and change them to fit your growing relationship. I have heard of some changing them every 3 to 6 months. Negotiations are important so you both are happy with the relationship you are in. We change as we grow, as do they, so it's always a good idea to revisit these documents.
5. Know that there is always a release option if, no matter how hard you try to work things out with your Dom, it just doesnt pan out. Try to converse first so they have a chance to help fix or figure out problems, but if that is not working, then this is always a option. Out of respect, don't ghost your Dom. Ask to be formally released so you both have closure. Now, there may be instances you can't; example they are extremely abusive and don't want to release you.
6. They can help you discover who or what you are as a submissive, but don't let them brainwash you into a sub-set you aren't just because that's what they desire. Example: you are definitely a little but they tell you you're 100% slave and ignore and don't nurture your little side.
7. Always be Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
- don't let your emotions cloud your judgment or self preservation
8. Trust is #1 for both of you! If you can't trust the Dom, then it's safe to say you should truly think about why you want to submit to them. You are putting your life in their hands. This is not something to take lightly.
9. Now this is just my opinion, but I feel like they should not isolate you from the outside world or people. This can be a bad thing if they are abusive or brainwashing you. You have no way to get help to save yourself or to get support if needed.
10. Know your Hard and Soft limits!! These are very important. Saying I am willing to try everything, or not saying no to anything, just because you're not willing to sit down and think about what your limits are, is so problematic. It can lead to a lot of emotional, mental, and physical damage. It can also place a lot of stress on your Dom as they are unsure of how far they can take things. You can be willing to push your limits with the agreement to go slow and the use of safe words to get out of the scene if it is too much.
I am sure there is so much more to list. I will update this upon recommendations of ones or as I think of more.
Also know there are so many people within the community to reach out to with questions or problems. Never worry about being judged. If you are stuck in a bad situation reach out so someone can help and or rescue you.