I don't really want to post this, but needed to get it out to see if others deal with this too. The chaos in my mind drives me insane at times. I easily get overwhelmed. Too many options make it hard for me to choose. I am so indecisive. The most simple thing in the world can stress me out. Thankfully Daddy is super patient. First it was build a bear, too many options I couldn't choose. So I turned to amazon to get my wolf stuffie. Then it was time for Kitten to get her claws redone. I swear I went through thousands of designs. I would like one, but then later change my mind. I think Daddy viewed over 100 and probably got annoyed, but never showed it. My two sides were battling. One side wanted a cutesy design the other wanted something more mature and sexy. We finally settled on one and Daddy said no more changes. No wonder why I have been stressed the last few years. I am at war with myself and my decisions.
I have always been under the control of someone. Most of my life it was my mother. I was not allowed to make any of my own choices. We saw where my own choices took me; abusive exes and intoxicated rape. Which resulted in the loss of my virginity. My mother went as far as to choose my college Major. Secondary Education English. I absolutely hated it. But I did it because she told me to. Now even the simplest choices become so hard for me because I became so reliant on others telling me my own mind. Or I want something, but feel so guilty to even ask to get it that I put it back because I feel selfish asking. Or I feel I anger or disappoint someone. I will get stuck in my mind worrying how to fix it, never quit figuring out the right way. So all I can do is repeatedly say I am sorry. It is a constant war zone in my mind. At least now I have someone who can make the final choice for me and make it stop. To give me advice and allow my mind just to be still.
Kittens New Claws
