Either space aliens don't exist or they are very good hiders of things. Have you ever heard of a proctologist getting better reception by inadvertently realigning a satellite dish during one of them routine finger procedures?
No. Neither has anyone else. But imagine...
If, while on a flying saucer joyride, a group of creatures with superior intelligence happened upon our brave blue world. They would almost certainly leap at the opportunity to make first contact. What self-respecting space-faring creature wouldn't? The obvious first step would be to google the home address of a true believer, wait until after dark, land in their backyard, mysteriously sneak in through a closed and locked window, and immediately set about rummaging around in that person's butthole.
Maybe leave a token of friendship in there.
Then the little green guys would casually exit through the same window (now mysteriously re-closed and re-locked) board their craft and wait there for the thoroughly cavity-examined human to wake up - then they'd blast off, leaving the probee just enough time to see a strange light streaking through the night sky above his home.
Oh, space aliens do love their little jokes.
Somehow the entire experience would end up as a grainy video on the youtube channel of an amateur conspiracy theorist who just happened to be in an open field; who luckily captured the entire affair using an obsolete hand-held VHS recorder with just the right shitty quality video tape, pointed at just the right spot in the sky, at just the right moment. Thereby proving without a doubt the existence of semi-intelligent life in the universe.
And who, according to his envious followers, also happens to be the only human to whom that exact thing has happened at least a dozen times before - which is how he and the rest of his fellow true believers know that it really, really, actually took place.
And also because of all the odd "tokens of friendship" that keep turning up in his butthole.
Conveniently, it also gives the rest of us something to read while we're just standing there in line waiting for the only open register at walmart.
So win-win-win.
