My early beliefs about D/s were shaped by a series of pretty emotionally abusive relationships. And by shit I read in the weird crevices of the internet. For a long time, I didn’t know any better.
Pair that with the fact that I’m a perfectionist and you got some pretty dicey situations. And I’m not talking oh, I like to do well - I’m talking a nearly pathological need to be perfect.
I used to think the perfect sub would take whatever they were given and beg for more. I used to think the perfect sub would never have to use their safeword. I used to think the perfect sub was always willing, ready, and available.
I used to think the perfect sub didn’t have limits. Or that if they did then they’d happily push and test and abandon those limits to please their Dom(me).
I used to think the perfect sub didn’t make waves, didn’t ask for too much, and didn’t need more than what they were given.
I used to think the perfect sub was focused entirely on the relationship and on pleasing their Dom(me) and that nothing was ever - EVER - more important than that.
I used to think the perfect sub was pleasing, quiet, agreeable, soft, and pliant. Always. Without exception.
But now I know better.
The perfect sub has limits and safewords when it gets to be too much. The perfect sub is not afraid to safeword whenever and wherever they need to.
The perfect sub has needs and speaks up about those needs because they know that their Dom(me) is not a mind reader.
The perfect sub has expectations and requirements and beliefs that they bring to the relationship. The perfect sub has deal breakers and things that will not be negotiated.
The perfect sub is not always ready, not always willing, and not always available - and that’s okay.
The perfect sub has a life and focus outside of the relationship. The perfect sub has interests and hobbies and friends and a life. And sometimes that life requires attention.
The perfect sub doesn’t necessarily like everything that’s depicted in porn. The perfect sub can’t necessarily deepthroat or take a spanking or be tied up in elaborate positions.
The perfect sub knows that communication is key. And knows that it’s okay to stand up for themselves. And knows that their Dom(me) is not a god but a human.
And the perfect sub is human too. Which means that they’re not really perfect at all.
And that’s okay.
I’m learning.