A Recovering Pick-me

Title says it all folks! I wish I could be attracted to women. They already have it all...their beauty, their talent, their caring nature, attention to detail, quick-wittedness, charisma, their gorgeous bodies...I feel like a women would get me and understand me. We would be able to get each other emotionally. We could predict on another's moods and make sure to be there for each other if anything goes bad. I lived in a house with a lesbian couple. They were in charge of the house and I thought their relationship seemed pretty good as they worked in conjuction with each other. I thought they were an awesome couple!! I also have had women hit on me before. I think because of my short hair, some people have mistaken me for a lesbian. But these women's advances did not arouse me in any way. It didn't pique my curiosity. I did not really feel comfortable with women flirting with me and something told me this is not what I wanted. I've had men very smugly say to me when I was way younger that I have yet to experience a sexual encounter with a woman, almost like it was inevitable. And it may be so, but I can look at pictures of woman all night long, in erotic, BDSM scenarios, pornographic images and it won't do much for me. If anything, I just picture myself being in their place and imagining what exciting sexual encounters I would have with a man...or two! So, it goes back to the old question of nature vs. nature and I suppose it's in my nature to like men. So there it is. Gah!

Remember Fabio...that extremely handsome (maybe to some, not all), long haired, Italian model that graced many romance novel covers in the 90's? If you don't remember him in those times, you would probably remember him in "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" commercials.

I remember my mom used to read some of his novels along with other cheesy romance novels about Scottish Highlanders romancing unsuspecting red headed beauties. Sometimes, my mom would read excerpts from these books to me and I was like 10...LOL. My mom is bipolar, so, she's always been a bit crazy!

So, anyways, I didn't think much of it then, but it's kinda hitting me now that I have an idealized view of love and relationships. Like, there should be a ton of passion and fireworks right when you look into another's eyes, and the sex has to be out of this world and all the sudden you have all the stamina in the world to last days. All that junk. It's not realistic in a relationship. I believe it would do well for things to progress slowly so a bond is formed. This is something I need to get in my 34 year old brain, because obviously from examining my relationships in the past, most of them were short lived, except when I got married when I was 20. I was married for 2 years so that was a long term relationship which was a big deal for me at that time.

I gotta learn to take things slow and I was just joking...it's not Fabio's fault for my shitty life choices lol.

The one youtube blocks is Peaches-Fuck the Pain Away 

Thanks for listening!!!

If my title is a little confusing it is because I'm referring to being in Incognito Mode in Google Chrome. It shows what looks like a 1940s detective looking guy next to the url. Everytime I go on this site, I am always in that mode. I sneak around on here like a mouse in someone's house at night nibbling on crumbs. I am a grown woman...so why all the mystery and secrecy? I mentioned this on my my profile, but I wanted to mention it here too that I haven't told anyone close to me that I am interested in the lifestyle. Also, I don't have any true friends to even mention my heart's desires. But mainly, it's due to the nature of the relationship I am in. I am stuck in a relationship with a narcissistic 45 year old. We have a daughter who is in adolescent stage already. I wanted to express on here how tough it can be when you can't be forthcoming with your partner. With a narcisstic person, it is all about them. Your needs are never met fully and completely. Your communication falls on deaf ears with them...and with him in particular, and most likely due to his Catholic upbringing, I can see he has some sordid views on sex, and I would especially imagine about bdsm or any kinks. I wouldn't dream of bringing up my true sexual desires to him. In the beginning of the relationship, I thought I could confide in him because remember narcissists are very charming and he said I would never have to worry about anything in this relationship. Well that was a lie. A long time ago he told me to throw out my dildos and anything pleasurable because he though it would mess up my vagina somehow. We have vanilla sex all the time and it lasts only a few minutes. I'm kind of glad for that, but I also think too, if I ever experienced real pleasure from someone who truly gets and understands me, how would I feel or react? It would probably be overwhelming in the beginning. Anyways, I'm just ranting but I feel I have nothing to lose if I mentioned this to anyone who cares to read about what I am going through. Luckily, everyone is asleep and it's my day off of work and I can write comfortably. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

So, I noticed in a lot of profiles it seems people are into anal play...I dunno about me but that kinda bothers me a bit because I always felt like the anus is for...well...you know what I mean. I have a pretty sensitive stomach so I think anything anal would probably be outta the question or I'd be really embarrassed to do anything regarding that. Do people get used to doing that over time? I know using lube is super important obviously...and of course trust in the partner. I dunno, it seems like foreign territory to me.

Part 1

Part 2

Paralyzer- By Finger Eleven

I hold on so nervously
To me and my drink
I wish it was cooling me
But so far has not been good
It's been shitty
And I feel awkward as I should
This club has got to be
The most pretentious thing
Since I thought you and me
Well, I am imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place
Well, I'm not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I wanna make you move
Because you're standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you
I hold out for one more drink
Before I think
I'm looking too desperately
But so far has not been fun
I should just stay home
If one thing really means one
This club will hopefully
Be closed in three weeks
That would be cool with me
Well, I'm still imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place
Well, I'm not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I wanna make you move
Because you're standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you
Well, I'm not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I wanna make you move
Because you're standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you
Well, I'm not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I wanna make you move
Because you're standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you
You'll probably move right through
Me on my way to you