Hello Cage friends,
So I need to express to all of you a struggle that I am currently faced with. It is a place I am uncomfortable in because it shows just how much room I have to grow and how much work I need to do yet.
Settle in because this will be a long one, and not necessarily because of what I have to say but because of what my mentors response to me was.
The questions that I reached out to him was to know what is the correct path forward for your s type? How do you know as a dominant that your choices are correct and will guide forward the dynamic in the way you choose. How can you possibly know that your choices are correct and will bring fruit that is worth eating? How do you create sustenance for those in your life in meaningful ways?
Basically it boiled down to how do you build confidence within yourself, how do you have certainty within your actions that you are doing right by those that have chosen you? How do you affect positive change for someone else? Especially when you feel like you have absolutely no idea what you are doing (SURPRISE SURPRISE, the answer you will find is actually quite simple. But it takes immense amount of work and time and effort)
This was his response to me and I can't take credit, except that I reached out to someone more experienced, wiser, more certain and who I consider to be a true dominant. These are the words of a man I have come to deeply respect through our limited interaction, his name is DaddyDrago and if you ever feel lost or uncertain take a minute to read his blog. No matter where I was at, it seemed to me like he was able to pry open my mind and pluck my thoughts out from my skull and plant them in black and white. He has been a true friend, mentor and guide and someone who I hope to emulate (not copy, as that would be a disservice to myself and my own unique talent and ability) but I trust that he is capable, that he has done the hard work himself and learned hard lessons through personal experience. I can't claim his words as my own, but I want to embody the lessons he has shared with me in the hopes that we might develop a better community.
"This is a topic that is wrought with all kinds of points of view.
Many will tell you they have a system. A checks and balances of discovering what has worked and what will always work with s types.
Others will express that who you are is enough. What moves you and leads you is what matters and the s type that resonates with you will also be moved by your leading.
Of all the myriad of ways there are to describe HOW to dominate and KNOW you’re doing it right there are facts that are immutable:
There is NO ONE WAY and there is NO POSSIBLE WAY TO KNOW WITH ANY CERTAINTY.
I will, however, attempt to speak to you about truths I have witnessed and experienced first hand.
There is no formula that will work for all s types. NONE. What will move one will not move another. What moves one in this direction will have a very different affect on another. This speaks to the reality that every submissive is a unique individual. As such, it is VITAL that as a dominant there are YEARS spent learning and discovering what makes them tick. What motivates them as a person? Who are they? What do they value? What do they fear? Where are their strengths (all of them)? Where are their weaknesses (all of them)? With this information you will be able to BEGIN to resonate with what can possibly move them. Even then, the questions you need to ask yourself is, “Is this a person I can reach? Do I have the language to express to this individual where they can hear me?” Because the truth is, often, the best thing we can do as a dominant is not lead another on when they so desperately want someone to dominate them. We are meant for a very select few that can hear us. That ‘get’ us.
Which leads me to my next point,
KNOW YOURSELF.
There is NO WAY you can speak succinctly into another person’s life without knowing why you desire to. That desire alone won’t make a difference in knowing if you’re doing it right, but it WILL aid you in understanding that from your heart your purpose is to comfort, lead, encourage, help, aid, support et cetera IF that’s your intention. You mentioned you know what you intend and desire, but that you don’t along with that know if it is correct.
Next point,
TRUST YOURSELF
As a dominant you must come to a point of understanding and knowing yourself enough that you can trust yourself. If you cannot have this confidence you lack the ability to dominate with any efficacy. You will ALWAYS be second guessing to the extent that you talk yourself out of what you believe is correct. When you KNOW that your heart desires honestly to help only and you KNOW your motivations are pure in desiring to help you CAN trust that any choice you make is an honest one. Not perfect, because that’s not EVER going to happen....but honest nonetheless.
Sidebar.......
I myself have been on the side of believing that if I could structure things to the nth degree or manage and control all the things I would somehow have no issues. That I would perfectly lead another. That I could account for all the variables. That they would never struggle, hurt, feel pain or otherwise suffer at my hands. The reality is that is so far from the truth it is laughable to think otherwise. One of the truest and biggest keys to being a good dominant is NOT that you won’t make mistakes, it’s that you will make a TON of them and a submissive that sees you and gets your intent won’t see that you failed but that you’re learning. If they cannot they either can not see your heart or they willingly choose not to. Either truth means you don’t belong making decisions for someone that can’t trust you to do so. It may have ZERO to do with you and everything to do with their own incapability to trust or follow, but the premise is still the same. Not something as a dominant you should desire to have anything to do with. You cannot MAKE someone surrender, or see you, or trust you. To do so is non-consensual for starters, secondly it is simply impossible.
Next point,
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
When you come to a place within yourself that you KNOW who you are. What drives you. What your purpose is. What your focus is. Why you choose it. Why you want it. What matters to you the most in a dynamic and in leading an s type. You will get to come to a space where you are given the choice to believe in what you are doing or you will doubt. Right now, you’re discovering every piece of what your purpose is. What your focus is. The whys and what matters most for YOU. So, you doubt it. Because you’re unsure. You’re still in self discovery mode. You cannot lead effectively from this space until you can answer a million questions with certainty that shows what you believe of yourself. Some of those questions that need answered are:
How will I care for my s type?
What do I value?
What do I need?
Why do I need this?
What do I have to offer?
What kind of submission speaks the loudest to me honestly (this is super hard!)?
Why do I desire to lead?
What do I get out of this?
What is in this dynamic for me?
Where does my contentment lie?
Where can I find my peace?
Who am I?
Who do I desire to be?
What kind of person am I?
What is my focus?
What is my purpose on this earth?
Why do I dominate?
What am I prepared to give up to achieve what I need?
What length will I go to to achieve my dreams?
Am I prepared emotionally for the responsibility of caring for another person’s soul, life, heart, physical well-being?
Have I done all I can to prepare myself mentally for the challenges I will face?
How much patience do I have? Is it enough? Do I need more?
Am I strong enough to withstand the resistance that WILL come at me from the person(s) I love the most?
Am I willing to stand alone for what I believe in? Truly?
What IS my motivation?
Where is my motivation?
Can I successfully control my anger?
Can I successfully manage my own life in total?
Am I a procrastinator? How can I shift my focus to caring for myself enough not to be?
Am I lazy? Does this serve me?
What serves me? How can I lead if I don’t know?
What kind of person am I? Aloof? Serious? Funny? What do I NEED to balance me out?
Where am I lacking?
Where do I need to mature in?
How emotionally available am I? Truly.
How transparent can I be in ALL the ways? What am I uncomfortable discussing?
How vulnerable can I be? Should I be?
Where are my boundaries? Where should they be?
Do I know myself so well I can succinctly and accurately with honesty express myself and my needs to another so that they can understand?
Do I just say what I think others want me to say? Why or why not?
Am I my own person? I NEED to be!!!!!!!!!! Why?
Do I NEED another person in my life? Why or why not? Is it just a want?
Do I act with integrity when no one is watching?
What type of character do I have?
Am I good person?
Am I a failure? Or do I just fail? Is there such a thing as failure?
ALL of these (and SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more) MUST be answered and known without a shadow of a doubt BEFORE you can ever KNOW you are correct in leading another.
Why?
Because if you cannot answer them for yourself how will you answer an s type that asks you for why they should follow you? They deserve to know who you are. What you believe in and why. If you do not they should not and more than likely can not truly trust you or believe in you. Because they feel your disbelief in yourself. This equates to someone that doesn’t have their ducks in a row to a submissive. Someone who can’t answer who they are and all the whys ‘appears’ to be direction less. There is NO WAY an s type will feel comfortable to follow such. They NEED to feel safe. Period. It is up to you to provide that safety.
Next point,
FOLLOW YOURSELF
When you come to know, trust, believe in yourself you become someone that marches to your own drum beat. You become a leader. You will NOT follow something or someone that you know is not in your purpose, focus or best interest. S types can see this a mile away. They are drawn to this like a moth to the flame. They will follow it anywhere because they can believe in it. Cultivate your intuition. That inner knowing yourself and your purpose. That belief in who you are enough to trust that what you set in motion through your lens is fully intended to bring about the peace and focus you KNOW is there for a submissive if they choose to hold on to it. That gut instinct that says, “Go this way,” even though you can’t see the outcome, you believe that the direction is correct.
Last point,
HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF
This one picks up exactly where the previous one ends......you MUST cultivate a faith in your beliefs and heart that you trust your own compass. Only YOU can decide for yourself who you see an s type being. Only YOU can understand with your heart how you hope to bring them this focus, clarity, and peace. Often, this comes organically. Without a clear and concise picture. With more like a ‘feel’ and you MUST learn to cultivate a faith in yourself, in the Universe (God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, Mohamed et cetera) and the direction you are being led to lead another.
To ME, THAT is the secret. We lead because we know how to follow. Follow our hearts. Follow our purpose as we were designed to be. Follow our calling as we were created to fulfill. A dominant that has no understanding of how to follow will not understand the struggle to do so. They lack empathy for how to hold space for someone when they don’t know how to move forward because they’re paralyzed with fear. We know what that is like because we have taken the steps to walk through (and continually are doing so) our own fears. Following our compass to who we are so we can lead by example those who find value in our journey.
One last story then I am through,
I have had the pleasure of witnessing all sorts of s types. Baby girls. Princesses. Slaves. Switches. Masochists. Sensualists. Bunnies. Polyandrous. Asexual. Bisexual. A mixture and myriad of all of the above and so much more. One thing I have discovered in my journey in learning myself is........there are those that resonate with who I am, what I desire, what I seek, what I value and what I do not. That’s for ME to define. Not another. At one time in my journey I desired to simply be attached to someone. To grow. To learn. To discover. To experience. Not wrong or bad. Simply, misguided. Because my desire to be attached was about me experiencing so I could ‘discover’ myself. What I liked and didn’t like. What I wanted and needed versus what didn’t serve me or didn’t matter to me. I allowed past partners to define for me who I should be because they needed me to be this or that. I would gladly do so. Believing I was giving them what they wanted. I was helping. The truth is........this is NOT dominance this is submission. Dominance is knowing yourself enough to say, ”I don’t want this. This doesn’t speak to me. This does.” That’s not being cruel. It’s staying in your lane and honing YOU. Who you are. So you have the best to offer another. Not watering yourself down to become what someone else desires you to be.
Example:
I have had opportunities to have experiences with true lifers’ in the lifestyle. S types that have been a part of this community for over 40 years. I declined most of them.
Why?
Because I knew what I had to offer and what they had to offer me. I knew who I was and what I needed. I didn’t allow my ego to lead. I allowed my heart to lead. I KNOW what will satisfy me and what will fulfill me. And, conversely, in many cases I knew exactly what was going to satisfy and fulfill them and it wasn’t me. I knew it. They needed different. Not more. Not less. Just, different. NOT ME. I knew it. Because I knew myself.
I challenge you to consider all of this. NOT because you have so far to go. I can hear you saying so and feeling despondent after this writing. That’s FAR from the point. The point is..........you are on your way. You have already come so far!!! You’ve discovered so many pieces of yourself that you’re learning how to honor and implement. I know it can be such a challenge to not want to jump right out there and get your hands dirty so to speak. I encourage you to continue to do exactly what you have been doing........finding yourself. Along the way, you’re going to make all kinds of mistakes and get it wrong. Good. You will learn the hard way, maybe the best way?"
Are you still with me? I hope so, as he makes some impressive and extremely important points.
The entirety of this lifestyle is about YOU. No one can tell you what's right, it's about finding yourself.
It's about take the time to know who you are, and to have confidence and faith in what you know of yourself. For all the words he expressed (and trust me I feel like I cheapen his words by saying it this way) but it comes down to knowing yourself, trusting yourself, having faith and belief in yourself, and following your own beliefs. Notice something very important. My question was how do you lead? How do you know what's right for someone else and his answer was all to do with YOU.
Because you CANT lead another if you aren't able to do that for yourself.
I worry constantly. I fear and doubt and hold myself as one who isn't enough. As one that isn't capable. But I want to prove my worth. I want to stand tall and proud and not doubt myself, and yet all I do is doubt. Where does that come from? Why do I feel this insecurity within myself? Is it because I know I will fail or expect myself to? Is it just a lie that I tell myself so that I have an EXCUSE when things don't go as planned? Well this whole thing failed because I knew nothing.
But I'm the one telling myself this. Not anyone else. I'm the one saying I know nothing or is it simply that I don't know MYSELF well enough?
He listed off a number of "know yourself" questions. Honestly I can't answer half of them and the other half I am unhappy with my answers. I really have so much to sit and learn about myself, yet I also tell myself the reason I know none of these things is because I lack experience.
His point though is that we must be able to answer these questions before we move forward and before we can truly help guide someone else. So my reasoning "Well I don't know this because I haven't experienced it" is a lie. It's because I haven't put that effort and work into myself. Now please don't get me wrong those we interact and experience with can very much help us grow and mature. But I believe that is a different type of growth. It's external, and the strength that we need to embody and exude must come from WITHIN. It's this moment, when you can assuredly say I know myself, will you find those that believe and resonate with your core values. That there will be trust that you will be capable of guiding and *honestly* (not perfectly, not correctly but with pure intention, and the belief that your decisions are for their ultimate well being) show them to this place where your s type will be able to find peace and rest and growth. It's about being stable within yourself and not be swayed by the flashing lights and distractions that can pull us away from our own true beliefs. If we are easily swayed and pulled at in 1000 different directions how will any s type ever trust us to remain stable and secure when they NEED stability? If they feel you will shift and turn they lose all faith in your ability to hold them, and so they will find another place to put that trust, perhaps within themselves or even another.
It is PARAMOUNT that we are stable. Secure. Steadfast. That despite whatever rocking and difficult hard uncomfortable thing stands in our way that we won't be shaken. That we can withstand that storm. Because our s types feel like they are "too much to handle". I have heard those I speak with tell me "I'm sorry, I'm a lot" but that's not the case. They are simply themselves, full of scars, bruises, trauma, they are human with their own insecurity and worries and fears. They see themselves and can be disgusted just as much as I feel that same way when I look at myself. Some days all I can see myself as is a gross mess. Incapable, small and weak. Unknowing and so unintelligent. Completely undeserving of having anyone follow me. For so many reasons, and some of those are falsehoods that I just tell myself because it's easier to discount myself. Some are real and authentic and areas that require deep, careful thought about how to fix and approach this "broken" piece within me. The funny thing is when my s type comes to me and says "I'm not enough" I affirm the crap out of what I see as valuable. Is that true, honest and sincere? From my perspective yes. But they don't see it that way(sometimes they do), and yet I do the same thing to myself. I tell myself I am not enough, and that I should be somewhere more, better, further along than I am.
So why is it that I choose not to affirm myself?
Why can't I look at myself and say positive wonderful things about me, even though I have heard others say it. They see my strength and character and yet I remain blind to it. It's simple. I still have questions to answer. Deep, important, pivotal, monumental questions that help define who I am. Without having those answers I will forever be lost within myself, and feeling incapable of leading anyone.
What is right? Am I following the right path? Where should I go? What's the next step? How do I take it? Is this going to lead me into destruction? Will it lead my s type down a dark path? Am I prepared for the fallout? Have I thought through this decision for myself and those that trust me to lead?
So many questions. All hard to answer and many times we don't know the answer until we step into the situation. Then we realize "Well I done fucked up"
But Drago made the most excellent point. We will make mistakes, and it's having people that see that and view it as failure or a learning experience? How did we act in trying to correct our behaviour?
Did we sweep it under the rug because Me dominant, and me know what best and never wrong....
Well I made a mistake. A small one, and I want you to share in my experience.
I asked a friend of mine to read a blog I wrote. I wanted her opinion because I was trying and failing to explain it to her in a way she understood, and the outside perspective with a little extra background information was key in creating understanding.
Now, I didn't think. I didn't take the necessary steps to prepare her for what she was going to read. When she got back to me she said she understood but that there was a slight hiccup. I didn't think through what I was asking her, and how my words were going to affect this very real human, that deals with emotion and all that comes with being human. When she read my blog she was hit with a huge sense of jealousy, and rightfully so. Because I didn't prepare her for what she was going to read. I didn't even think through an extra 2 seconds of how she might perceive my words. I was negligent. In a small way. But it was an opportunity for her to express herself, and to show that she could show up honestly and not hide how I made her feel. I apologized, and she apologized and then I apologized and we went back and forth. But I recognized that the way I handled the situation was poor, and I should have put myself into her shoes and seen through her eyes how those words and that information could have impacted her. I should have properly prepared her. But I gave her no warning and she walked into a concrete wall, flat faced and had to stumble back. But it was an opportunity for both of us to see how we each handle some miscommunication. We spoke and discussed and talked over and over what happened and why. We circled conversation until we both just came to an understanding. There was fault, it was mine to bear. I could have potentially stopped this incident from happening with a little more forethought on my part but at the same time mistakes are lessons learned. If you take the time to process what happened and why. If you are willing to remove ego and learn from experience.
All of this to say each moment is a test, a lesson to be felt and understood. A chance to grow.
But first we must grow within ourselves. Create that stability that others crave and show them that you are able to create and manage stability for YOUR life. Then and ONLY then can you begin to create stability for someone else. To guide them appropriately, safely. With confidence that whether it turn out good or bad, you will still be there to pick up the pieces and do better the next time around.
I have much to be thankful for, the amazing people who have taken the time to offer insights and advice. I am surrounded by smart, dependable, trustworthy, honest friends that have helped me grow immeasurably. But I will constantly be learning, and adapting.
Now is the time to turn within and focus on my core values. My beliefs. In creating an identity, a culture and a world where those around me wish to participate in. But I must do the work for myself, because no one can give me the answers.
I asked Drago to give me some insight on a scene I am hoping to create. I am so thankful he declined. First it showed he knew it was not his place, because he did not have the necessary information to make that determination. Second part of why I was so excited to create this scene was because I felt it was a true test of myself as a dominant. This moment where I could point to and say "I am now capable". In many ways his advice would have taken all of that power away from myself. Success wouldn't have meant anything because it came at another's hand. It is not his place to lead my life, just as it's no one else's. This is my life, my journey, my road to understanding, my place to succeed or fail on my own. In my desperation to succeed I asked for his advice because success was more important than actually doing the work myself and that is such a sure way to end up stunting myself. Either this scene will go as I intend, or it won't. I don't have control over the outcome. All I can do is plan, think it through, consider my friend who I am making this for and all that she is. And try my absolute damndest to make it something positive for her and myself. No matter the outcome though I need to do the work and take care to consider how my words, actions and what I offer will affect her. We shall see what occurs, and while I am hoping for success I need to realize failure is only such if I do nothing with it. If I learn nothing and change nothing then it really truly is failure, but if I grow and understand and help my friend it's merely a lesson learned.
I am but a fledgling, still coming into his own. I am learning and becoming someone each day that I am proud of. But the path is long and hard. It doesn't come easy, if it did there wouldn't be something special about obtaining it. But I will get there. Diligently one lesson at a time.
Thank you for the lesson, the words of encouragement and the ability to simply be myself. Broken, yet not. Imperfect and yet perfect. Incomplete and whole all at once.
Until the next time, have a day.
