What's Going On?

I just want to say thank you to all of you that have been supportive, understanding, and giving advice and sharing your experiences. I am a newbie, but I am NOT a wannabe. Yesterday I joined a chatroom on KIK obviously already occupied with experienced individuals in this lifestyle. I was told several times that maybe it isn't the lifestyle for me because I don't know exactly what I am doing. I tried to explain to them that I am not from nor have I ever been to a big city where dungeons and such places exist. I really, really want to go to one of these dungeons, but I am too scared to go alone. I am curious as to what happens inside and are they all different? 

I couldn't help but sing that song today after I opened up to this so-called "Dom" today and he said he would have nothing to do with me and blocked me. I could only smile and thank the Lord for my faults. He promised me that he would not view me differently after he knew only a small portion of my life, but nobody can promise that. A true Dom would have helped me become a better person, not turn me away because I was honest and sincere. I am not ashamed of who I have been, who I am, or who I will be...I AM ME!!! What made me laugh the most was that he wanted to move fast, which is impossible in any relationship. Trust takes time and effort. He obviously never read all of my blogs or he would have known that I am an addict, and I am not weak. For all of the Dom's out there, don't mistake me for a mindless piece of shit just wanting to be bossed around. I'm the real deal.

As I wake from an early, unexpected slumber, thoughts of new experiences run through my mind. It is now three hours into nothing but racing thoughts of being catfished, stood up, realizing limits, and what if's. It is true that I am new to this lifestyle, yes. But I am not new to the world of fakeness, lies, horny men just trying and saying whatever they think you want to hear, and most of all I'm not new to bullshit. As I search for my Dom, I have realized that although I am submissive, I am not weak. As a sub, I expect my Dom to be aware of this fact. I'm not going to be a dumb little bitch that instantly allows myself to be dominated. I need to know I can trust them with my life first. Friendship is the foundation of any relationship so that is essentially what I am looking for as a starting point. Honesty and opening up to each other is key.

I recently started chatting online with this fella who lives about two and a half hours away from me. If his pictures are really him, I am very attracted sexually to him. I can see the dominant nature in his eyes. He asked me what I was looking for such as a relationship, a friendship, one night stand, etc. at the beginning during our initial introductions. I  wanted to feel him out before I told him my goal was to find a Dom. Tonight I asked him what his thoughts were about the sub/Dom lifestyle and he answered, "huh?". So, I suggested that he Google it, do some research, and then get back with me on his thoughts about the subject. After about an hour, he replied that he was definitely a Dom but asked me to explain in greater detail what it's all about. I have never had the experience of getting trained, but I have read literally thousands of books and personally, I believe that each one of us are born trained to be who we are. It's our upbringing and the need for acceptance that prevents us from living the way we were meant to live. I have wanted to be a sub for a long time, yet I really wanted to be my Dom's only sub...ever. I want to be as special to him as he will be for me. Both of us learning together and growing closer with every new adventure. I would like to know what the chances are that a sub/Dom relationship will work if both are learning at the same time. Losing our virginity to each other in a sense.

I started fantasizing about being in a sub/Dom relationship when I started reading taboo erotica about 15 years ago give or take. But the reality of possibly living the lifestyle wasn't until I ended up in a chat room on KIK which was about something I had never heard about. Shortly afterwards, I left the group. Next thing I know, I got a message from this amazingly gorgeous guy asking me why I left the group. Well considering I'm from Kansas, I was ignorant as to what "bug chasing" was and instead of judging, I was curious about it. This man had a hold of my heart, my mind, and my entire self...and he still has me. After only a week of chatting and getting into some extremely intimate subjects we both wanted to video chat, but I always had company or was too busy. He told me he was falling for me and  I was falling for him. I wanted  to be his to use and to be my master more than ever. We started planning for him to come to Kansas from San Diego...then he disappeared. I googled his name and he apparently is an actor.He is whom I am looking for be ultimately. His words put me in a trance. H.S. please come back to me!!!

the  necklace I am wearing has my brothers ashes in it. I come from a biker family. The remainder of his ashes will be buried in his gas tank. I miss him so much....time to get high, too many feelings right now suck

Two and a half years ago I lost my big brother to a drinking and driving accident. The wound is still fresh and I haven't been able to deal with his death yet. I have chosen to use drugs to stay numb. He always called me "Sister Sarah" and that has been what my nickname has been for decades. Someone assumed I was into incestuous roleplay because of my username. I have decided it would be best to change it so that mistake doesn't happen again. I would love it if I wasn't an addict to drugs, but rather be addicted to my Dom. Wish me luck on my search...

I'm getting too needy for a Dom that I am scared that my trust and loyalty will be used and abused by the wrong Dom and it will ruin my experience for the rest of my life. I want to marry the perfect Dom.