I am really struggling with being able to trust anyone with letting skeletons out of my heart and it's affecting my life negatively.
I hadn't talked to my dad in 18 years (I will tell you why in a few). I had one brother but he died 3years ago. So when I was told that my dad was found dead in his duplex, I was not prepared for what I was going to see. He was killed, but he died 18 years ago to me. And yet, I have tried to make peace with it by letting him rest. I took care of his cremation, kept my mouth shut, and kept uncovering the truth about the man who is half of my DNA.
He lived a life that I felt responsible for. It is indescribable how very sad this man had to be. I was thankful he didn't have to live like that anymore. Until the day my childhood neighbor friend (only one who has been there for me) made me leave in a rush. He told me that he found something and that I didn't need to be there at all. When we were leaving, I grabbed a notebook he'd written in. Why'd I have to dig, just keep digging? When I was washing the cockroach filth off of it, I found letters to me and my mom. They were all so mean and hateful. Full of hatred.
Memories of what made me eliminate him 18 years ago. My dad was a creepy biker with creepy biker friends. When I turned into a young lady, my dad would ask me to go for rides with his friends. Scared to tell him no I went. Taken to a house where things were done to me and videotaped. That's what my friend found. Over a hundred vhs tapes labeled with blackmail evidence using me. Who does that and keeps the evidence of his daughter getting raped?? I adored my dad, and he was pimping me out for his advantage. I wish I could hate him more, but I can't.