Musings of a submissive

The problem with knowing someone is out to sabotage your relationship is that pretty soon you start to see villains around every corner.  Your thoughts get consumed by it. 

For me, I'm an emotional eater.  I banned sugar in my house, but too much of anything is not good for you, and I did some pretty serious damage to the bag of sugar-free chocolates last night; I know that I will be paying for it today.  The pain in the pit of my stomach is only partly due to the chocolate (which was delicious...consequences be damned), so I will go to work today and immerse myself in adolescent angst (like that is going to help my own issues in any way) and progress reports.

Maybe by the time I get home, I will have stopped this downward spiral of anxiety in time to have a great weekend.  If not, it will be Johnny Castle, strawberry wine, and a bubble bath after work.

, 

Relationships involve more than one person.  As much as we like to think that it can be “You and Me against the world”, we are bombarded with the expectations and opinions of those around us.  Those people who are not a part of our inner circle can quickly be written off as just a minor annoyance; it’s those people who we hold dear that have the ability to create a rift in our closest relationships.

I always listen to those who are closest to me; they are the ones that I trust the most because they know me the best.  I trust their judgment, but even then, I weigh what they are saying with the evidence.  There are situations where I admit that I am not thinking clearly, and their insight helps me to focus.  We are all products of our past, and I recognize that many times they have a better understanding of where I am or am going than I do.  That being said, there are also times when their past insecurities and traumas taint the present and have no bearing on my situation.

All this brings me to the present day.  I am blessed with a family who tells it like it is, and they protect their own. We may not always agree, but we always have each others’ back.

When I first told them about my desire to go deeper into this lifestyle, they were worried about me, but they asked questions and listened before making judgment calls.  When I told them about my Dom, they were concerned about his age, his ability to meet my needs, my ability to meet his needs...Would he like them and fit in with our family dynamic?  What would my children (closer to him in age than I) think? 

The relief I felt when my best friend, my sister-from-another-mister, told me she felt good about our relationship was instant. She said that when she watched him interact with me and the rest of the family she felt good about our relationship.  She recognized that my dom brings out the best in me.  If she would have told me she still had doubts, I would have weighed what she said, and then made my own call.  Under no circumstances would I have allowed her to say anything negative or disrespectful about or to my dom. There is a difference between expressing concern and undermining someone’s decision. In no discussion or dialogue, would I have allowed them to make piercing remarks that were negative and meant to chip away at my bond with my dom.

There are times, when I am talking to family on the phone, that they ask if I have any concerns and if I am still settled in my spirit about this relationship, not because they are having lingering doubts, but because they love me and want what is best for me.  I can’t fault them for that.

Right now, I feel my dom and I are at a place where we need to set boundaries for those in our inner circle.  I want to make sure that the areas that are toxic to our relationship are cut off or contained.  I have no desire to make room in my inner circle for someone who can’t or won’t support me and by association “us”.  This man, our relationship, is my highest priority.  I love this man not for what he does for me (which is more than I thought possible) but for who he is and he is worth it.

I haven't forgotten 

The things you said echo in my head when I am alone

The myriad of emotions that I feel swell and threaten to overtake me

I haven't forgotten

Visions of the past- they play like a movie in my mind

Some days it feels like if I just shut my eyes I could be right there again with you

I haven't forgotten

How everything so beautiful turned to ash so quickly

Leaving me with empty promises, shattered dreams, and a broken heart

I haven't forgotten

These images you see of me are real- but I make sure I have the right lighting and best camera angle

That turn of phrase that stirs your blood- I am a writer; I know how to be descriptive, and am a master at visual imagery.

My voice goes husky with desire- artifice or real passion...how can you tell?

You only see me at my best

I only tell you what I know you want to hear...i know better than to tell you what I'm really feeling.

I will only let you get so close- I will never trust you enough to let you come any closer.

It will always be within my time frame, on my terms, and I will always be in control. 

I am just an illusion.

I told my Dom the other night that he wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me. I meant every word. He somehow knows when to push and when to step back. When I was feeling that I needed something more, I told him what I needed, and he exceeded my expectations.

He is the perfect blend of soft and hard when he deals with me. He lets me tease but is firm when I go too far. He has learned to not let me push too hard.  Our dynamic fluctuates and flows...it would give another Dom whiplash, but it works for us...

I've seen his Daddy Dom side, his firm Master side... I'm looking forward to slipping into another dynamic this weekend. I am jumping out of my skin just thinking about the possibility of exploring our s/m roles a little more in a few short days. I've been craving this. I know he won't disappoint.

I always loved watching the High Wire act when I was younger, especially when done by a pair, so graceful...each one had their choreography down and together they created magic. I envied their connection...their level of trust.

I see many similarities in a D/s relationship.  Both partners have their own choreography, their own role to play, but when they put it all together, it is pure magic.

On the high wire, if only one person is doing all the work, someone is going to fall.  Even the most athletic performer will get tired and have to let go.

In the D/s relationship we see the same thing...the Dom who takes in abundance but only gives sparingly...the sub who follows direction but never anticipates or encourages their dom.  It works for a while...but pretty soon one of them will get tired (i.e.  confused, depressed, discouraged, frustrated...) and let go.

Some may say, " but that's just how our dynamic works."

To them I reply," Bullshit."  That's just being selfish, and that is not what D/s is about.  Yes, there is a spectrum of dynamics, but at the heart of every one of those is a desire to honor, respect, serve, and protect each other.  It's about being part of a unit, a part of something special. That give and take is what makes it so special, what creates and sustains that magic.  Anything else is just an illusion.

At least, that's how it looks from the High Wire.

He reinvented himself

New name, new profile, new pic

But I recognized him.

We text...we chatted

He gave me an order.

I told him one has to earn the right to be my Dom

So he sent a pic.

And glorious as it was, that was not what I had in mind.

So to those of you out there that give a flying... If I want to see it, I'll ask.

Talking to someone does not automatically mean sexting.  There are those of us who do like to talk, and if we stray into the area of BDSM it doesn't necessarily mean we want to get jiggy wit it. And if someone does decide to sext with you, for heaven's sake...do it with style unless otherwise stated.  Take pride in your work, don't be lazy.

Just sayin'

PS- my collar is firmly attached, so I won't be asking.

don't come to me with those words-

you know just what I love to hear

& you know just how to say it

but you didn't want the job-

you just wanted the paycheck

sorry... the position has been filled

I saw the wolf again today.  It had been a while since he last came sniffing around the garden.  He had changed a little.  His marks were a little more faded, the silver at his throat a little wider, but it was him; I couldn’t forget those eyes.  What is it about wolves that intrigue us? The danger? The wild abandon?  

I had let this one get close months ago.  Mesmerized by the sounds he made, the feelings he stirred in me.  I found myself sneaking out at night just to get a glimpse of him.  The erotic dance of circling one another, almost touching then backing away.  Oh, he was a tease, this wolf.  In the past his howl would bring me running, drawing me like a magnet.  Always letting me get just so close before backing away, yet never taking his eyes away from mine.  Never touching yet never letting me go.

He howls once more; my breath catches in my throat, my heart races, and then...

My Mastiff stands in the doorway waiting for me... I smile... my heart melts.  My sweet boy.  

He comes and puts one paw on my arm.  I know what he wants.  Leaning down across his back, I wrap my arms around him, resting my cheek on his back while I rub his belly and say…

“Who’s mommy’s good boy?”

He loves me unconditionally. He protects me. He understands me. He is strong...solid...beautiful.

The Wolf is beautiful too,  but elusive.  He is like vapor that dissipates in the morning sun, and he cannot be trusted.

This is a song by Chris McClarney and the lyrics perfectly describe how I am feeling right now.

Breakthrough

There must be more
Beyond familiar shores
Into waters unexplored
 

This one desire
Stirring here in me
Deep is calling out to deep
 

 Take me from where I’ve been
 Into something new
 I’m giving up control
 I need a breakthrough
 All of my dreams and fears
 Are crashing into You
 You’re waking up my hope
 You are my breakthrough
  
 Your love, so wild
Conquers my defenses
Opens the impossible
 It’s so amazing
 How you take the ashes
 And turn them into beautiful
 

 Take me from where I’ve been
 Into something new
 I’m giving up control
 I need a breakthrough
 All of my dreams and fears
 Are crashing into You
 You’re waking up my hope
 You are my breakthrough

 You’re making all things new
 You’re making all things new
 It’s what You always do
 You are my breakthrough

No matter where we come from, we all have baggage and regrets.  We need that breakthrough, we need to feel new.  Our past may have brought us here, but it doesn't have to define us; it doesn't have to be where we settle; sometimes we hold on so tight to our past that we miss what's right in front of us.  For some of us, the horrible mess that we know is more comfortable than taking that step into the unknown, even though we know it is better than where we are.