What is this hold you have on me?
That I drop everything when you call.
I'm not supposed to be the one you call when you are feeling down.
I should not be the first person you call to share good news.
Not any more- Not for a long time.
I'm blocking your number. I can't do this anymore. I've moved on. I'm happy.
He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. All you ever did was make me cry.
You only have the hold I let you have, and I'm done.
I just got back from a road trip. I left the city, left the state, and left my life for 3 short days. Well, almost; I took my computer and so didn't completely shut out the world.
It was the first long-distance trip that I have ever taken by myself. I am a planner. An organizer. When I plan a trip it is done with military precision. This time, I flew by the seat of my pants. An interesting feeling. One that was not horrible, but I am not sure I am wired to do something like this on a regular basis. I did create a plan once at the hotel, but it was loose, and I didn't always follow it.
So what was my goal? To clear the cobwebs and sweep away the clutter; To reevaluate where I am and what I want; To get rid of the nonsense and focus on the truth.
Did I reach my goal? Not quite, but I'm further than where I began.
When I say I expect to be your princess, I don't mean that I want everything handed to me; I mean I expect to be treated with respect.
When I say I am your Slut, that doesn't mean you can just use me as your booty call; I mean that I want to give you mind-blowing pleasure, as you give me.
When I say that I am your Slave and you are my Master, that doesn't mean that I am okay with you mistreating me; it means that I will do whatever I can to satisfy and serve you as an expression of my devotion, and I have given you everything I am.
Erin had no idea what she was getting herself into when she entered the room, but she felt something pulling her and knew she had to be there. Looking around, she discovered creatures of all walks of life. While normally an introvert, there were times that something seemed to come over her, forcing her out of her shell. This was one of those times.
For a short time, Erin just observed this strange ritual which required the participants to expose themselves in ways that were foreign to this naive little girl. Yet, even then, there was something about this room that made her feel at home. Maybe it was all the different creatures-- because she had felt different all her life. Maybe it was the way that those creatures included her in their conversations and seemed to really want to know what she thought.
And then he came into the room. He was different from the others. He was stern and a bit taciturn, but when he did speak, she felt a bolt of electricity shoot down from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. Erin didn’t know how, but she knew this man would change her life forever.
And change her he did, introducing her to a way of life that she had only glimpsed before. She did everything that she could to learn more about this culture, and this man that seemed to embody everything it stood for. Over the next few weeks, he helped guide her in connecting to those feelings buried deep inside her.
He became her Master, and she... his slave. He was her Dominant, and she... his submissive. The mere thought of him set her on fire. His words, creating a pool of passion that balled up deep inside-- threatening to explode into a million drops of burning lust and desire. When he came, primal sounds erupting from his mouth, she came undone as well. Erin would lay in bed, playing that scene over and over in her mind, while desire pooled at the apex of her thighs. She wanted to taste every inch of him. To consume him and be consumed by him. This pleasure that she felt went beyond the physical. He made her laugh, he provoked her, and he motivated her to be more than she thought she ever could be.
But the day came when this naive little sub disappointed her patient Dom. A mere apology would not be enough. All the articles and websites in the world couldn’t help her, they didn’t know her master. Did she? He looked like a man who didn’t care about anything, but Erin knew that wasn’t true. He felt things deeply; it was one of the things she most admired about him. He had earned her trust and respect and all she wanted to do now was help him see himself through her eyes.
And so she did the only thing she could. She submitted.
PING! Erin had grown to love that sound. She groggily reached for her phone beside the bed. Looking at the message from Sir she read, “Good morning Babygirl.” Attached was a picture of his morning wood. How that man turned her on. If they had to be apart right now, this was the way to do it.
“Omg, I want to taste you.” She may have been just waking up, but Erin was suddenly very hungry.
“I know you do. Tease me like a slut.”
Oh my, so my master is in that kind of mood this morning, she thought. Well, what can a good submissive do but give Sir what he wants?
“Yes, Sir.”
She closed her eyes for a minute. Thought about what Sir needed this morning. Thought about what she wanted this morning. Mmmmmm. Erin could feel the tingle start to grow, and she knew if she touched herself she would be wet (but she couldn’t do that without his permission). She picked her phone back up and began to type quickly as the pictures began to form in her mind.
“Sir, may I call you?” While the written word is erotic, she wanted Sir to hear her voice while she told him every little dirty thing she wanted to do to him. To be able to hear his breathing quicken, and for her soft moans to be heard by him as well.
“Yes, baby.”
Erin’s toes curled as she called him... “Good morning.”
“ What do you have to tell me, Babygirl”
“ I want to worship your body.” OOH, she felt a spasm at the apex of her thighs.
“Talk to me, tell me what you will do to please Sir”
Hmmm, referring to himself in the third person. He did that when giving orders. At this moment, the sound of his voice, giving her permission to do to him whatever she wanted, freed her as nothing else could, and as she began to tell him everything, it was like they were in the same room.
Sir, sat back against the headboard while Erin slowly removed his t-shirt, kissing and licking her way up his chest. She kissed him on the mouth, playfully nipping at his bottom lip. Then taking her own clothes off she straddled her master lightly rubbing her damp pussy against his growing erection. The friction of his boxers getting her wet.
She leaned in so her hardening nipples rubbed against his chest.
“I adore every inch of you,” she whispered into his ear, as her hands massaged the back of his head. Her hands continued their slow caress, as Erin began to lightly kiss her master. Each closed eyelid, the tip of his nose, nipping at his jawline before coming back up to his lips.
“Daddy, I want to kiss you now.” her voice soft and trembling with desire.
“ Do it Baby-girl,” he growled.
Her hands moved down to his shoulders, still continuing their slow kneading, as her tongue traced his lips. She drew his bottom lip in as he opened to receive her worship. Slowly, like some exotic dance, their tongues teased and tasted the other. He returned the favor by taking her bottom lip between his teeth-gently biting it.
Sir took her head in his hands and she went still. He began to trace her lips, then moved artfully along her jaw and down her neck. Her head began to get heavy and she dropped her head back, giving Sir better access. He continued down and brought her tits up to begin his assault. Licking and biting her hard nipples.
His cock twitched, reminding her to keep moving.
Sir stopped and Erin raised her head and looked at him with a question in her eyes.
“Take Sir’s boxer’s off and take him in your mouth.” the command came out as a rasp.
“Yes, Sir”
Erin removed the last remaining bit of clothing. Damn that man was glorious. All she could think of was tasting that delicious erection. She licked around the head, drawing it into her mouth and sucking in and out slowly, getting it nice and wet. When that was done, she used one hand to continue the soft pumping motion, up and down, squeezing and releasing. Moving her head down, she began to lick and suck Sir’s balls. Bringing them into her mouth, while her hand still worshipping the shaft. Slow, then going faster.
When he grabbed her hair, she felt his legs begin to tense; She moved back up so she could take his engorged dick into her mouth. Sucking hard and fast, she felt the beginnings of his orgasm and slowed down- licking around the head and lapping up his pre-cum before drawing him back into her mouth.
His fists tightened in her hair, pulling sharply, while animal sounds erupted from deep inside him, letting her know he was almost there.
Then the first explosion of cum shot into her mouth. Looking up at Sir, Erin swallowed his gift and licked him clean after the last tremor had passed.
Sitting up, She looked at her master and back down at his still iron-hard cock.
“My turn Baby.”
My Greek god
I could not believe that this piece of Greek perfection standing in front of me wanted me as much as I wanted him, but there he was, standing there naked in front of me, and I could see the evidence of his desire. His dark eyes stared at me, smoldering, almost seeming to dare me to accept his outstretched hand. My eyes roamed his body. His dark hair was shaved short at the sides and pulled into a tight man-bun at the top. His beard had not been trimmed recently but it looked good on him. My eyes traveled lower to his broad shoulders and muscled chest that he had shaved bare. Lower still to follow the faint treasure trail that was just barely visible. My eyes widened and my breath caught in my throat. Good god, he had shaved everything. His cock stood at attention. How in the world was that thing ever going to fit into me?
His voice carried the faint trace of an accent. It was deep and rough but not unpleasant. In fact, his voice alone sent tremors from my throat to the tips of my toes.
“Come here.” No please, no pet name...just that simple two-word order. I obeyed immediately.
His right arm drew me in tight while his left hand reached to pull my head back by my hair. He bent down slightly so his mouth took possession of mine. His tongue pushed past my lips and invaded every space. He tasted of chewing gum and Red Bull, an odd combination and not what I was expecting from this mountainous pirate. He slowly moved forward and I was caught in the motion. Step by slow step, we made our way to the bed.
Once there, he stopped and again just quietly stared at me, as if with his piercing gaze he could convey his wishes. Maybe he did because I found myself raising my hands to run them over every inch of his bare chest. A small smile broke his stoic face. Soon my mouth followed. I tasted every inch of him. I was insatiable. My teeth grazed his collarbone and he let out a little gasp. Now it was my turn to smile.
We played this game for some time. I, tasting and teasing every inch of his body, taking small nips when he let out a groan or a sigh. Finally down on my knees, I took him in. He filled my mouth to overflowing and I gagged at the sheer size in my mouth, cutting off the oxygen.
With my tongue, I bathed his shaft. Tracing the rim and slowly sucking. Drawing it in and out while my hands reached for his balls. Soon my mouth and hands traded places. Never had I tasted anything this good. How was I ever going to get enough? Looking up watching him, I continued my feast. I sucked harder, the sloppy noises seemed to only arouse him further and soon his head was thrown back and an animalistic roar escaped his lips.
He pulled me to my feet by my hair and flipped me over onto the bed, backside up in the air. Without any warning, he thrust his shaft into me. I screamed in pleasure. He pounded into me. My ass shaking, he began to slap my ass. Every blow stinging, but with every sting, a shot of pure pleasure drove like a lightning bolt to the center of my womanhood.
I had been wet since I first saw him standing naked in front of me, but nothing prepared me for the ripples of desire that rolled through my body. How could such pain produce such rapture? I couldn’t stop it. I reached the peak and fell, over, and over, and over. The pressure had built up inside and all I could do was let out a scream of my own.
Suddenly I felt him tense. He had filled me so completely that I could feel when he reached his climax. I felt each spasm as he filled me with his seed. And with that, he fell with his full weight on top of me, his member still deep inside of me, allowing me to feel his last strains and spasms while I came one last time.
I've been thinking a lot about why things tend to go wrong...in all areas of my life. I'm great at putting my thoughts down...verbalizing? Not so much.
I am a stuffer. I don't say anything until I reach the point where it all comes out. I advised someone today to be transparent, but I really need to follow my own advice. If I have a question, ask it. If something honked me off, express it. If I'm grateful, share it.
I'm not a mind reader. I'm good at reading body language and tone of voice but I'm not a Mentalist. Texts sometimes get confusing when there are so many nuances to every phrase or when things are implied but never explicit.
So tell me exactly what you want. What you need. I'm not completely domesticated yet. I want to be. But you need to show me how and that starts with communication.
It's been rainy off and on all day. Chilly and just kind of blah. It fits my mood. I've been up and down all day.
I had a great Mother's Day. Messages from almost everyone I wanted to hear from; a surprise lunch with my sister from another mister and the littles. Then a few rounds of Sequence and Scrabble with my youngest. He even picked out a couple of my favorite chick flicks and watched with me until I fell asleep. My sweet man-child; he loves his mama.
It's those down times, when I'm not keeping busy, that I get this pit in my stomach and come close to tears. I said I wasn't going to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. Yet it keeps bubbling to the surface. 35 hours and 15 minutes ago...my mind is keeping time. How long before this becomes unhealthy?
5 stages of grief at the end of a relationship: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance
I don't deny he made a mistake (she said facetiously), but as much as I want him back, I'm not holding my breathe or dreaming about it.
I have plenty of anger (thus the desire to go to the batting cages at this moment).
I'm not the bargaining kind; I wouldn't do anything I wasn't open to doing when we were...whatever we were.
Depression- yep, we've become close friends, and if I hadn't had company today, I might have even stayed in my pjs all day.
Acceptance. I'll know I'm there when I stop looking at my phone to see if he text to check up on me.
35 hours and 40 minutes...
Getting an a.m. text message saying it's over when you are expecting "good morning babygirl" really sucks. More than sucks when you were surrendering the most important pieces of you to this person. And while I was muttering what an ass-hat he was under my breathe, the truth was my heart was asking where do I go from here.
These are the things I won't do:
1. Re-read our texts and stare at his pictures. In fact, experts say to get rid of them. So, they are deleted. Well, except the video with my favorite sound. I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet. I won't watch it or listen to it; I just can't press delete, but I will when it's time.
2. Look for him here or on any social media. I don't want to hear how happy he is. I want him to be happy; he is a good man and deserves it; I just don't want to know about it right now. I also (after this post) will never talk about how I am feeling about all this. It serves no purpose.
3. Binge eat or shop. I would love to sit in front of the TV binge watching "Fringe", eating Coffee Ice Cream with hot fudge; I would feel good for a time spending hours shopping on Amazon- but none of that would be in any way effective. So, I'll put on my walking shoes and take my fur babies on walks. Maybe do an extra hour of Zumba or Dance Groove. Karaoke to some Tina Turner always helps.
4. Revenge sex. Sexting or irl...not a good idea. I won't even go there.
5. Jump into a new relationship...again. To be fair to him, I came looking after my first Dom and I parted ways, and although I care for him, I had no business opening up my heart so soon (soon-ish) maybe this split wasn't all his fault, maybe I attributed those things I loved about #1 to him when he didn't really possess those qualities. Maybe he did. Whatever happened, for whatever reason...I hope I have learned my lesson.
6. Give up hope. I'm ok on my own, but I don't want to be alone, so I won't give up hope. I choose to be thankful for what #1 and #2 taught me, I choose to wish them well, and I choose to move forward.
So to Dom #2,
I will miss you, and I will mourn you- mourn us, but I will be ok. So will you.
According to Psych Central there are 8 traits of a successful submissive:
Deep Self-Awareness. To understand who and what you are in general is a significant accomplishment. ...
Understanding of Trust. Healthy submissive people know how trust works. ...
Awareness of Others' Needs. ...
Hard-Working. ...
Clear Boundaries. ...
Definiteness of Purpose. ...
Peace of Mind. ...
High Self-Esteem.
Since committing to understanding this way of life and why I have always been drawn to it, I have had to do some soul searching. For me, that was more difficult than I thought it would be. For example, I have always thought of myself as dominant, so I was surprised to find that I am actually more submissive. But if I was honest with myself, it was really just a label I gave myself because I wanted it to be true. I thought of submissive as weak-willed and reliant on someone else, and I was strong-willed and opinionated so I must be dominant, right?
When it comes to Self-Awareness- I've always known who and what I was, I just wasn’t always comfortable letting anyone else know. Even more than that, I never really accepted the fact that there would ever be anyone who would want what I have to offer.
Understanding of trust- this one I struggle with, not because I don’t recognize that trust must be earned, but because I always hold out hope that if I just trust, the other person will want to earn it. Then, when that trust is broken, I am done. Wouldn’t my life be so much happier and satisfying if I actually required someone to earn my trust?
The third quality is the Awareness of Other’s needs. Putting others first, recognizing what they need, being there to meet that need, I have that in spades. My close friends sometimes worry that I let this part of my character take over. They are right in a way. Apathy should always be tempered with discernment.
Hard-working is something that we all should have, and for me, it applies to those things that I am passionate about. As a good submissive, I need to be more hard-working in every area. I tell my kiddos that all the time…” I don’t expect you to be perfect but I expect you to give it your best.”
The fifth quality is clear boundaries...What do they say about good intentions? “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” I need to focus some of my stubbornness in this area!
Definiteness of Purpose- hmmm, well I can check that off my list...I know exactly what I want; I just need to make sure I don’t get sidetracked. You know what I’m talking about...Whether it is that man with an accent, hard abs covered with tattoos and an enormous…or choosing sprouted whole-grain bread vs white (or whatever it is that distracts you from your goals)
The seventh quality is Peace of Mind. Knowing what is in your sandbox and what isn’t is the only way any of us will ever have peace of mind. I am responsible for my actions, no one else's.
And finally, High Self-Esteem. There are certain areas that I feel I am a rock star, but there are others that I would just rather blend into the background because I am so unsure of myself. But I think that those first seven characteristics develop this last one.
So, will I be a successful Submissive? Of course I will, I have some great people who travel this road with me, and there is strength in numbers.