Musings of a submissive

If you have read any of my recent blogs, you have probably already figured out that my Dom is younger than me, significantly. As someone who is past the "it's just a fling" stage, I had some doubts about even jumping into this relationship in the beginning, but I've come to realize that age is really not the problem in a dynamic like ours ...different values, lifestyles, life stages, and poor relationship skills could be. Of course, while all of these things can be the result of one's age, they can also occur because of one’s upbringing, family dynamic, or personal habits.

We don't agree on everything, but we respect each other's point of views.  Iron sharpens iron...I don't want a partner who thinks exactly like me, I want, no I need, to be challenged and stretched mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; I hope that I do the same for him. Our interests intersect and I have learned a lot from him. I never want that part of our life to become stagnant.  I am equal parts sapiosexual and demisexual; He values family, is well-spoken (with help from the swear jar), and is a deep thinker. he is passionate, embraces his emotions but is not led solely by them, and while finding contentment where he is at, he also seeks to stretch and grow.  I admire his dedication to those in his inner circle and consideration of all others.  He is a good man and he brings out the best in me.  

When it comes to the physical, we align there as well.  He loves all my curves and wobbly bits. To be honest, this was a bigger fear for me than even the age.  Silly really, but I remember what my body looked like when I was his age... I was still all T and A, but everything was rounder...tighter.  I worried that our intellectual connection would not be enough.  For me, I am attracted to his dad-bod, and like that he doesn't feel the need to manscape within an inch of his life. I have a wide range of interests when it comes to BDSM and he wants to explore those areas as well.  Fetishes and kinky fantasies are shared and, whenever possible, executed with enthusiasm.

Never have I felt so cherished. While I have had partners who I enjoyed spending time with,  when push came to shove, for the majority of them, it really just boiled down to the physical; I was easily and quickly replaced. I know this man would fight for me if it came down to that. The foundation of our relationship is solid and if anything is a predictor of a successful relationship, it is that.

Someone told me that if age was the only thing holding me back, to just be a Cougar.  Age was the last hurdle, and that has been successfully cleared.

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Odyssey had an article about the 5 things that kill your LDR (Long Distance Relationship) 10/12/15 written by Solange Patterson.  

1. Lack of communication  The writer stressed that conversations need to be about more than “How was your day?” 

I think that my partner and I do pretty well.  I found some compatibility questions and we spent a night going over them.  The other night we watched a movie together and talked before, during, and after...I like to get into deeper philosophical and political discussions and he is always open to that; he always listens to my rants and ramblings as I listen to his. 

2. Unresolved fights  When we have such a short amount of time to spend together in an LDR, we tend to push our disagreements to the side and that can build up over time.  

I get that. I tend to be a stuffer, I don’t say anything and then suddenly it gets to be too much and I erupt.  I need to work on that. My need to reassure and make everything run smoothly can be a big problem in this way because I tend to put aside my feelings which can lead to hurt and frustration.  I have to say that my man never lets me sit on something for too long.  He is always drawing me out, which is just another reason why I am so grateful for him.

3. Infrequent visits  Make sure your significant other is a priority.

Whether you video conference or plan short visits, it is important to put them first as much as possible.  With lives going on in different towns, sometimes different time zones or countries, you need to plan to see each other at least once a month.  If you don’t plan for these times life can get away from you,  and it's easy for the relationship to get lost along the way.

4. Not making time for your S.O.  Sologne Patterson states,” Not having enough time for your partner is one of the main reasons long-distance relationships don't work out, but it's also the most selfish. Think of all the things you do in a day, all the people you talk to, the TV shows you watch, the video games you play, even the time spent doing absolutely nothing. Love requires compromise and sacrifice; if you can't put aside one hour of doing one of these things to make your significant other feel loved and special, then it can't work out.”

The author is correct.  I have a lot of wasted time in my day, there is no reason for me not to have time for my man.  I wouldn't be in this relationship in the first place if I didn't think he and it were worth it.

5. Not trying  The only thing that can ever really kill your relationship is when you stop trying. 

Someone suggested we use the app Love Nudge.  It’s based on the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  It is a great way to help me remember to fill my partner’s love tank and to try to incorporate more things that meet his love language.  The first frenzy we experience in a relationship comes and goes.  Successful, healthy relationships don’t come easy...they take work, but they are worth it.

I got a message from Dom #2 yesterday; he said some things that really upset me, and made me question our whole relationship.  Made me question all my relationships actually.  It all boiled down to it wasn't ME that he missed.  It wasn't ME that he felt a connection to.

I understand that not all relationships, friendship or otherwise, last forever, but there had to be a meeting of the minds, some piece of their soul that touched mine...right?

So I contacted an old flame to see if it had been real.  It was real to me, I don't know what I would have done if it had not been real to him as well.  I cried... I processed... I found my life-lesson metaphor.

We are puzzle pieces, sometimes we get really close to the perfect match, some of the angles or curves match up but not all.  Sometimes all we have in common is our color, or we are both border pieces... That was where I had been going wrong in my previous relationships.  I was trying to put my puzzle together with pieces that did not totally align. That I am a submissive, I have no doubt; that I need a Dom with a firm hand...absolutely, but a relationship is so much more than that.

So thank you Dom #2 and my Italian commander-n-chief.  This has been cathartic for me. 

And to my Renaissance Man...you are my perfect piece.

He's up by 4; I've been getting up at 7. He goes to bed at 8 while it's 10 and I'm still wide awake. I need to align my day to be a little more in tune with his. Maybe then we'd get more time together.

 Unrealistic expectations maybe. We both have obligations at home and for work.  In different cities and states, we don't get the luxury of pillow talk...no talks separated by the shower curtain, and no early morning rides to grab breakfast.

Yes...scheduling can be a real B'awtch.

I have been corresponding with my Rennasaince Man (my name for him) for 10 days.  How can that be? Such a deep connection in such a short amount of time.

He had contacted me once, months ago but I politely turned him away.  Then throughout the next several months, I came across his name more and more as I read blogs and forums.  Whether it was his posting or his response to someone else, he was well-spoken and what he said really spoke to me.  I  was chatting with another and so I didn't really think more about him other than to enjoy his writing.

May 31.  I was feeling BLAH and I came across another one of his posts.  I don't even remember what it was about, but I remember thinking that I was a hypocrite for saying age was just a number but then just disregarding someone who was so clearly on the same page as I was because of his age.  I felt ashamed, so I sent him a message apologizing for underestimating him.  And from there, our friendship began.

I have not laughed this much in a very long time.  He makes me feel comfortable in my own skin, another thing that has been missing in my life for quite some time.  The number of ways we just seem to click sometimes scares me.  That I can't go through the day without wanting to share something that has happened with him is a little unnerving and frankly, has me questioning my sanity at times. lol.

He is a good man and a good friend.  One I can trust with my heart.  Maybe 10 days is all it takes.

' what do you think about when you see me? I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be.' 

So starts the song "Broken Together" by Casting Crowns; about a relationship falling apart because of unmet expectations and mistakes made, but don't most relationships fail because of these things?  If you have read my previous post about the perfect Dom you know where I am going with this. No one, no matter how wonderful, can live up to that ideal all the time.

'How I wish we could go back to simpler times.  Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light.'

Yes. I wish I could go back in time and undo mistakes. But these scars and secrets I carry have led me here. This beautiful hot mess is me and I own it. Keeping it in the dark doesn't make life any better in the long run.  If we waited to be completely healed and baggage-free before doing anything or loving anyone, we'd be stagnant and alone forever.  As a fairly intelligent woman, I've made some very unintelligent choices, but those mistakes do not define me...just as your past does not define you. 

What has happened to us that we expect others to show us forgiveness and grace but we refuse to do so to those around us?  Is that why we try to hide our secrets and scars?  Aren't you tired of the mask you are wearing? Tired of walking on eggshells because you fear that those who love you will love you only as long as you fit their nice neat package?

'Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete.  Could we just be broken together? If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine, Could healing still be spoken and save us?  The only way we'll last forever...is broken together.'

The next sub...the next Dom...( maybe this sub or this Dom) is going to break your heart in some way, make you mad, make you cry...You may even act emotionally immature.  Someone is going to bruise the other's ego or hurt their feelings at some point in time. We are only human. We will make mistakes, but how many times do we give up on someone only to find the next person hurts us in some way too?  

There is nothing wrong with having high expectations. There is nothing wrong with feelings, they make our lives richer, but I think when we let emotions rule everything, and when we don't help each other grow and evolve, we find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over, and I for one want to get off that particular crazy hamster wheel. 

So show me your scars; tell me your secrets...I will be here to help you work through your emotional melt-down (because it happens to each of us at some point); I will walk with you as you grow and evolve and not judge you.  You are going to make mistakes, fall down...I will be here to help you stand back up and keep going...It's okay to be broken together.

Just a thought

If anything has shown me I am not a Domme, it's the lack of disregard my fur-babies have for my authority. 

I am like them in many ways.  My intentions are good but I frequently go where I am not ready to go, when hurt...I can act like a brat, when I feel someone I love is being hurt in any way...my fangs are out and I attack.  In my exuberance... I sometimes wound the ones I love most.

And at the end of the day, there is only one place I want to be...in my Sir's protective arms. I need him- his guidance, his discipline, his encouragement, and his love.

1.  They are authentic, honest, and transparent.  They answer any question you ask and share important information about their life, past or present...hiding nothing.

2.  They know what they like and don’t like, continue to educate themselves on the subject, and have mentors or friends who are in the lifestyle.

3.  You like each other even without the kink factor.  It is so hard not to jump right into the BDSM part of the relationship, but a good Dom will wait for the two of you to get to know each other first.

4.  Physical chemistry is not enough.  You need to have the same goals, habits, needs… From family to job, you and your Dom must be in sync or be willing to adapt or adjust. 

5.  A good Dom has a plan.  Your relationship is something that he has thought about.  He knows where he wants to go and how to get there and he shares his thoughts with you.  “We’ll figure it out as we go” is not acceptable, that means he doesn’t see you as a long term partner and doesn’t want to tell you or he hasn’t thought it important enough to even think about it.  Either way, move on...he is not worth your time or energy.

6.  They will know their strengths and weaknesses, take ownership of their feelings and issues.  They will be emotionally mature, calling you on your BS and welcome you calling them on theirs.  Most importantly, they are not easily angered or demanding perfection.

7.  A good Dom is comfortable in their own skin but strives to grow in all areas, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.  They learn from their mistakes and don’t try to put the blame on others or shrug it off.

8.  They will be interested in you, how the two of you can explore and grow together, and how you make them a better person.  A selfish Dom will only care about what you can do for them and want everything on their timeline.

9.  They will be good at intuiting what you want and need, they understand you so well, that they know what you would most likely do in specific situations. How you feel affects how they feel. They will share these things with you.

10.  They are confident but realize that their authority does not equal omnipotence and will own up to their failures.

11.  A good Dom will guide the growth of the relationship, setting and pushing limits, and tearing down of barriers.

 12.  They will be patient, investing the necessary time and care needed for a deep relationship.  They will take roadblocks in stride and find other ways to meet your relationship goals and objectives.

13.  A good Dom will always tell you how much they appreciate you.  They lift you up, not tear you down.  They want you to become the best you can be, and will celebrate, advocate, admonish when needed..to get you there.  You will honor that by showing your appreciation in turn, meeting their needs and fulfilling their desires.

 14.  They will become aware of your body as much as they are of their own.  They can sense what you need, how much you need, and when you need it.

15.  They have their priorities straight.  They are financially stable, they take care of themselves from living space to personal health and hygiene.

Things to remember

• If you find someone like this, don’t let them go.  They don’t come around often.
• Remember that those you find the most attractive will begin to look ugly to you when their character is ugly, and the one you thought just average will become beautiful to you as their inner beauty shines through.  (even models in magazines are airbrushed.)
• A new Dom can be just as qualified as one who has more experience due to their natural talent and dedication to perfecting their craft.  Age is just a number.
• If they aren’t willing to put in the time, you can bet your time with them will not be worth it.

I had a bad case of Sub Frenzy. Not sure I'm completely over it.

When they say it's like a bomb going off, they were pretty close to the mark. The rush of desire consumed me and I become insatiable. I couldn't get enough. There was a shred of my OCD that popped her head up and asked questions. There was enough common sense left in tact that I didn't go and do anything too dangerous. That's not to say I didn't make mistakes; even now I smack my forehead and ask myself what was I thinking. 

So now that the dust has somewhat settled, I'm ready to reevaluate where I am and what I want. This time I hope to minimize the chaos; maybe I'll even find what I've been searching for.

Production on schedule...

Fenugreek,  Brewers Yeast,  Fish-oil,  Flaxseed Oil,  Multi-Vitamin,  Milkmaid Tea... Pump on its way... 

Now have to cancel delivery... That sucks! ( pun intended)