Musings of a submissive

He's up by 4; I've been getting up at 7. He goes to bed at 8 while it's 10 and I'm still wide awake. I need to align my day to be a little more in tune with his. Maybe then we'd get more time together.

 Unrealistic expectations maybe. We both have obligations at home and for work.  In different cities and states, we don't get the luxury of pillow talk...no talks separated by the shower curtain, and no early morning rides to grab breakfast.

Yes...scheduling can be a real B'awtch.

I have been corresponding with my Rennasaince Man (my name for him) for 10 days.  How can that be? Such a deep connection in such a short amount of time.

He had contacted me once, months ago but I politely turned him away.  Then throughout the next several months, I came across his name more and more as I read blogs and forums.  Whether it was his posting or his response to someone else, he was well-spoken and what he said really spoke to me.  I  was chatting with another and so I didn't really think more about him other than to enjoy his writing.

May 31.  I was feeling BLAH and I came across another one of his posts.  I don't even remember what it was about, but I remember thinking that I was a hypocrite for saying age was just a number but then just disregarding someone who was so clearly on the same page as I was because of his age.  I felt ashamed, so I sent him a message apologizing for underestimating him.  And from there, our friendship began.

I have not laughed this much in a very long time.  He makes me feel comfortable in my own skin, another thing that has been missing in my life for quite some time.  The number of ways we just seem to click sometimes scares me.  That I can't go through the day without wanting to share something that has happened with him is a little unnerving and frankly, has me questioning my sanity at times. lol.

He is a good man and a good friend.  One I can trust with my heart.  Maybe 10 days is all it takes.

' what do you think about when you see me? I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be.' 

So starts the song "Broken Together" by Casting Crowns; about a relationship falling apart because of unmet expectations and mistakes made, but don't most relationships fail because of these things?  If you have read my previous post about the perfect Dom you know where I am going with this. No one, no matter how wonderful, can live up to that ideal all the time.

'How I wish we could go back to simpler times.  Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light.'

Yes. I wish I could go back in time and undo mistakes. But these scars and secrets I carry have led me here. This beautiful hot mess is me and I own it. Keeping it in the dark doesn't make life any better in the long run.  If we waited to be completely healed and baggage-free before doing anything or loving anyone, we'd be stagnant and alone forever.  As a fairly intelligent woman, I've made some very unintelligent choices, but those mistakes do not define me...just as your past does not define you. 

What has happened to us that we expect others to show us forgiveness and grace but we refuse to do so to those around us?  Is that why we try to hide our secrets and scars?  Aren't you tired of the mask you are wearing? Tired of walking on eggshells because you fear that those who love you will love you only as long as you fit their nice neat package?

'Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete.  Could we just be broken together? If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine, Could healing still be spoken and save us?  The only way we'll last forever...is broken together.'

The next sub...the next Dom...( maybe this sub or this Dom) is going to break your heart in some way, make you mad, make you cry...You may even act emotionally immature.  Someone is going to bruise the other's ego or hurt their feelings at some point in time. We are only human. We will make mistakes, but how many times do we give up on someone only to find the next person hurts us in some way too?  

There is nothing wrong with having high expectations. There is nothing wrong with feelings, they make our lives richer, but I think when we let emotions rule everything, and when we don't help each other grow and evolve, we find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over, and I for one want to get off that particular crazy hamster wheel. 

So show me your scars; tell me your secrets...I will be here to help you work through your emotional melt-down (because it happens to each of us at some point); I will walk with you as you grow and evolve and not judge you.  You are going to make mistakes, fall down...I will be here to help you stand back up and keep going...It's okay to be broken together.

Just a thought

If anything has shown me I am not a Domme, it's the lack of disregard my fur-babies have for my authority. 

I am like them in many ways.  My intentions are good but I frequently go where I am not ready to go, when hurt...I can act like a brat, when I feel someone I love is being hurt in any way...my fangs are out and I attack.  In my exuberance... I sometimes wound the ones I love most.

And at the end of the day, there is only one place I want to be...in my Sir's protective arms. I need him- his guidance, his discipline, his encouragement, and his love.

1.  They are authentic, honest, and transparent.  They answer any question you ask and share important information about their life, past or present...hiding nothing.

2.  They know what they like and don’t like, continue to educate themselves on the subject, and have mentors or friends who are in the lifestyle.

3.  You like each other even without the kink factor.  It is so hard not to jump right into the BDSM part of the relationship, but a good Dom will wait for the two of you to get to know each other first.

4.  Physical chemistry is not enough.  You need to have the same goals, habits, needs… From family to job, you and your Dom must be in sync or be willing to adapt or adjust. 

5.  A good Dom has a plan.  Your relationship is something that he has thought about.  He knows where he wants to go and how to get there and he shares his thoughts with you.  “We’ll figure it out as we go” is not acceptable, that means he doesn’t see you as a long term partner and doesn’t want to tell you or he hasn’t thought it important enough to even think about it.  Either way, move on...he is not worth your time or energy.

6.  They will know their strengths and weaknesses, take ownership of their feelings and issues.  They will be emotionally mature, calling you on your BS and welcome you calling them on theirs.  Most importantly, they are not easily angered or demanding perfection.

7.  A good Dom is comfortable in their own skin but strives to grow in all areas, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.  They learn from their mistakes and don’t try to put the blame on others or shrug it off.

8.  They will be interested in you, how the two of you can explore and grow together, and how you make them a better person.  A selfish Dom will only care about what you can do for them and want everything on their timeline.

9.  They will be good at intuiting what you want and need, they understand you so well, that they know what you would most likely do in specific situations. How you feel affects how they feel. They will share these things with you.

10.  They are confident but realize that their authority does not equal omnipotence and will own up to their failures.

11.  A good Dom will guide the growth of the relationship, setting and pushing limits, and tearing down of barriers.

 12.  They will be patient, investing the necessary time and care needed for a deep relationship.  They will take roadblocks in stride and find other ways to meet your relationship goals and objectives.

13.  A good Dom will always tell you how much they appreciate you.  They lift you up, not tear you down.  They want you to become the best you can be, and will celebrate, advocate, admonish when needed..to get you there.  You will honor that by showing your appreciation in turn, meeting their needs and fulfilling their desires.

 14.  They will become aware of your body as much as they are of their own.  They can sense what you need, how much you need, and when you need it.

15.  They have their priorities straight.  They are financially stable, they take care of themselves from living space to personal health and hygiene.

Things to remember

• If you find someone like this, don’t let them go.  They don’t come around often.
• Remember that those you find the most attractive will begin to look ugly to you when their character is ugly, and the one you thought just average will become beautiful to you as their inner beauty shines through.  (even models in magazines are airbrushed.)
• A new Dom can be just as qualified as one who has more experience due to their natural talent and dedication to perfecting their craft.  Age is just a number.
• If they aren’t willing to put in the time, you can bet your time with them will not be worth it.

I had a bad case of Sub Frenzy. Not sure I'm completely over it.

When they say it's like a bomb going off, they were pretty close to the mark. The rush of desire consumed me and I become insatiable. I couldn't get enough. There was a shred of my OCD that popped her head up and asked questions. There was enough common sense left in tact that I didn't go and do anything too dangerous. That's not to say I didn't make mistakes; even now I smack my forehead and ask myself what was I thinking. 

So now that the dust has somewhat settled, I'm ready to reevaluate where I am and what I want. This time I hope to minimize the chaos; maybe I'll even find what I've been searching for.

Production on schedule...

Fenugreek,  Brewers Yeast,  Fish-oil,  Flaxseed Oil,  Multi-Vitamin,  Milkmaid Tea... Pump on its way... 

Now have to cancel delivery... That sucks! ( pun intended)

I am not your sub. You have no right to tell him that you are going to fuck me and give me back.  The only time it is appropriate to call me a slut is if we are in the bedroom, and that ain't happening.

You want to mess around? Find someone else. 

I can be a flirt and I own that. That this is in a small way my fault, I own that too, but this hateful destruction of a good man's heart...that's all on you and is unacceptable.

I love words; I'm very creative; I'm very sensual...that doesn't make me easy...although it gets me in trouble at times...and it sure as hell doesn't make me yours.

So listen very closely; I'm only going to say this once. It takes a strong man to be my Dom; I can be a handful, and I'm bound to mess up more often than not...a man who pulls the shit you just did doesn't deserve that title...from anyone.

So, to the man who got thrown into this shit show...you didn't deserve it. You are an amazing man...you'll make someone a wonderful Dom, and I'm glad you're my friend.

He is stronger than I am. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin at any time. My toys are ok, but I need to hear his voice. Soft and sexy. Like fingers caressing my skin. I want to hear his breathing quicken- to know he is feeling it too.

He is more patient than I am. The days are too long and I am not a patient person. Days alone seem to stretch forever.  I need to burn off this extra energy

A submissive’s Rights

1. You have the right to be picky when choosing your Dom.  There are posers and abusers out there.  It’s okay to test his knowledge of BDSM,  ask about his training, what type of Dom he is, and ask for references from past subs...He is not your DOM yet.  A real Dom understands that trust is earned not given and will not guilt or manipulate you in order to get out of answering these questions.
2. You have the right to have a Dom who will make you feel safe and secure, not pressured or manipulated; one who creates a bond that is so strong, you can do nothing else but give him your mind and body.
3. You and your DOM should be on the same page when it comes to the following: relationship preferences such as polygamous, monogamous…, expectations of involvement (how much time is dedicated to the relationship).  Is this an ltr or are you just having fun?  You should also have clear guidelines and conditions regarding soft and hard limits.
4. You have the right to clarify or question what the Dom says or does when you are receiving mixed signals.  Be aware of conflicting stories or avoidance. This should trigger warning bells; listen to them.
5. You have the right to stop a session at any time with just a word.  The Submissive does not give up her power to say “no” when the situation becomes uncomfortable or dangerous.
6. You have the right to be you.  The Dom/sub relationship strengthens