Musings of a submissive

It's been rainy off and on all day. Chilly and just kind of blah. It fits my mood. I've been up and down all day.

I had a great Mother's Day. Messages from almost everyone I wanted to hear from; a surprise lunch with my sister from another mister and the littles. Then a few rounds of Sequence and Scrabble with my youngest. He even picked out a couple of my favorite chick flicks and watched with me until I fell asleep. My sweet man-child; he loves his mama.

It's those down times, when I'm not keeping busy, that I get this pit in my stomach and come close to tears. I said I wasn't going to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. Yet it keeps bubbling to the surface. 35 hours and 15 minutes ago...my mind is keeping time. How long before this becomes unhealthy?

5 stages of grief at the end of a relationship: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance

I don't deny he made a mistake (she said facetiously), but as much as I want him back, I'm not holding my breathe or dreaming about it.

I have plenty of anger (thus the desire to go to the batting cages at this moment).

I'm not the bargaining kind; I wouldn't do anything I wasn't open to doing when we were...whatever we were.

Depression- yep, we've become close friends, and if I hadn't had company today, I might have even stayed in my pjs all day.

Acceptance. I'll know I'm there when I stop looking at my phone to see if he text to check up on me. 

35 hours and 40 minutes...

Getting an a.m. text message saying it's over when you are expecting "good morning babygirl" really sucks. More than sucks when you were surrendering the most important pieces of you to this person. And while I was muttering what an ass-hat he was under my breathe, the truth was my heart was asking where do I go from here.

These are the things I won't do:

1. Re-read our texts and stare at his pictures. In fact, experts say to get rid of them. So, they are deleted. Well, except the video with my favorite sound. I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet. I won't watch it or listen to it; I just can't press delete, but I will when it's time.

2. Look for him here or on any social media. I don't want to hear how happy he is. I want him to be happy; he is a good man and deserves it; I just don't want to know about it right now.  I also (after this post) will never talk about how I am feeling about all this. It serves no purpose.

3. Binge eat or shop. I would love to sit in front of the TV binge watching "Fringe", eating Coffee Ice Cream with hot fudge; I would feel good for a time spending hours shopping on Amazon- but none of that would be in any way effective. So, I'll put on my walking shoes and take my fur babies on walks. Maybe do an extra hour of Zumba or Dance Groove. Karaoke to some Tina Turner always helps.

4. Revenge sex. Sexting or irl...not a good idea. I won't even go there.

5. Jump into a new relationship...again. To be fair to him, I came looking after my first Dom and I parted ways, and although I care for him, I had no business opening up my heart so soon (soon-ish) maybe this split wasn't all his fault, maybe I attributed those things I loved about #1 to him when he didn't really possess those qualities. Maybe he did. Whatever happened, for whatever reason...I hope I have learned my lesson.

6. Give up hope. I'm ok on my own, but I don't want to be alone, so I won't give up hope. I choose to be thankful for what #1 and #2 taught me, I choose to wish them well, and I choose to move forward.

So to Dom #2,

I will miss you, and I will mourn you- mourn us, but I will be ok. So will you.

According to Psych Central there are 8 traits of a successful submissive:

Deep Self-Awareness. To understand who and what you are in general is a significant accomplishment. ...
Understanding of Trust. Healthy submissive people know how trust works. ...
Awareness of Others' Needs. ...
Hard-Working. ...
Clear Boundaries. ...
Definiteness of Purpose. ...
Peace of Mind. ...
High Self-Esteem.

Since committing to understanding this way of life and why I have always been drawn to it, I have had to do some soul searching. For me, that was more difficult than I thought it would be.  For example, I have always thought of myself as dominant, so I was surprised to find that I am actually more submissive.  But if I was honest with myself, it was really just a label I gave myself because I wanted it to be true.  I thought of submissive as weak-willed and reliant on someone else, and I was strong-willed and opinionated so I must be dominant, right?

When it comes to Self-Awareness- I've always known who and what I was, I just wasn’t always comfortable letting anyone else know.  Even more than that, I never really accepted the fact that there would ever be anyone who would want what I have to offer.  

Understanding of trust- this one I struggle with, not because I don’t recognize that trust must be earned, but because I always hold out hope that if I just trust, the other person will want to earn it.  Then, when that trust is broken, I am done.  Wouldn’t my life be so much happier and satisfying if I actually required someone to earn my trust?  

The third quality is the Awareness of Other’s needs.  Putting others first, recognizing what they need, being there to meet that need, I have that in spades.  My close friends sometimes worry that I let this part of my character take over.  They are right in a way.  Apathy should always be tempered with discernment.

Hard-working is something that we all should have, and for me, it applies to those things that I am passionate about.  As a good submissive, I need to be more hard-working in every area.  I tell my kiddos that all the time…” I don’t expect you to be perfect but I expect you to give it your best.”

The fifth quality is clear boundaries...What do they say about good intentions? “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”  I need to focus some of my stubbornness in this area!

Definiteness of Purpose-  hmmm, well I can check that off my list...I know exactly what I want; I just need to make sure I don’t get sidetracked.  You know what I’m talking about...Whether it is that man with an accent, hard abs covered with tattoos and an enormous…or choosing sprouted whole-grain bread vs white (or whatever it is that distracts you from your goals)

The seventh quality is Peace of Mind.  Knowing what is in your sandbox and what isn’t is the only way any of us will ever have peace of mind.  I am responsible for my actions, no one else's.

And finally, High Self-Esteem.  There are certain areas that I feel I am a rock star, but there are others that I would just rather blend into the background because I am so unsure of myself.  But I think that those first seven characteristics develop this last one.

So, will I be a successful Submissive?  Of course I will, I have some great people who travel this road with me, and there is strength in numbers.

One of the biggest protocols I have had to learn has been that of the apology.  When my master first asked me "What should you say?"  My first thought was, I have no clue.  I re-read what he had said to try to figure out where he was coming from.  I felt a little embarrassed and so didn't let him know I was unsure of what to do.  So, once again I am researching.  There is a lot out here, but here is what really resonated with me.

Step 1: Initiate the apology.  “I’m sorry...” “Please forgive me...” “I apologize...” “I beg your pardon...”  "I'm sorry, please forgive me for..."

Step 2: Admit the mistake or offense.  “I was unaware...” “It was not my intention to disrespect or displease you.” 

Step 3: Let your Dom know that you don't intend to make this mistake in the future.   “I will make every effort to ...” 

Step 4: Ask the Master what you can do to correct your mistake, be it punishment or a merciful do-over. “Please allow me to ...” “May I ...now, Sir?”

Step 5: This is not really a step...Any apology needs to come from the heart.  Even if you don't understand what you did, understand that it hurt your master in some way, and that is something we subs never want to do.

If you have any suggestions or there is something that I forgot, please comment.  I am not just here to express my thoughts, but to learn from those who have gone through this or are going through this as well.

Thanks

I am so glad I practice yoga. I am equally kicking myself for not doing it religiously. For a big girl like me, it's not so much about the position as it is the holding of said position.

So, while I am getting back into the routine (I had incorrectly assumed the whole "stay put" would make things easier), I am leaving the yoga based poses for my morning stretch and focusing on two others at night. 10 to 15 minutes each was the directive.

Add a little Body Groove and Zuma...I will be equally ready to hit the club or be Master's private dancer (Cue Tina Turner) once we can travel.

I think I blew it today.  Someone who is not in a serious committed relationship should NOT talk about or make important decisions regarding their partner or potential partner and the direction of their relationship after an intense "O" and here is why:

1. The logical part of your brain basically shuts down during sex.

2. When you orgasm, your brain releases a surge of dopamine which helps us feel pleasure.  It also creates a need in us for more.

3. Oxytocin is released during orgasm- which creates a sense of love and attachment and is responsible for that feeling of satisfaction and pure bliss you feel.

4. Having an orgasm stimulates your brain in the same way as doing drugs.  You become addicted and can confuse the feeling of pleasure with a deeper connection that just may not be there (not that it won't be in the future, but seriously, what was I thinking !)  When I say my Dom is my addiction it is true, but maybe not for the reasons I would want it to be true.  These feelings aren't real, they are amazing, but should in no way be driving the bus!

5. After an orgasm, the brain releases hormones that make you feel happy.  IT WON"T LAST! Not that it is bad, just don't go making decisions based on this feeling.  It adds to the experience and is amazing, but again, I find myself getting in trouble by making decisions while the hormones are running rampant.

6. And here we get to my need to take a beat-- the brains of women continue to release oxytocin after they achieve orgasm.  Ladies, we need to wait a few days, not a few hours, before making important relationship decisions.  Let's face it, Sex makes us a little Cray Cray 

So to my first Dom, my potential Dom, and any Dom I may have in the future...I apologize for what I have said in the past and what I will say in the future…’cause let’s face it, there is no way I’m giving up the mindblowing, toe-curling, whole-body spasmic sex that you give me.

So many posers out there. Why do so many feel the need to pretend to be something they are not? To label themselves as one thing but not follow the standards or values of that group?  Politics, social groups,religious groups…

We take what we like and throw out the rest.  But if we do that, don’t we become something entirely different? Shouldn’t we then call ourselves by another name?

When you make a copy of a copy, you soon have something that is not exactly like the original.  If I did that cutting pickets for my fence, I would have a fence that started off uniform, but would become noticeably “off” or misshapen by the time it was done.

I want the real thing.  No more settling for some fun-house mirror representation, no matter how interesting it looks.

Up 'til 3.  Seems like I just fell asleep

My day gets started at 6...7 if I'm lucky and the siblings sleep 'til then.

Thinking about last night...him-- sleep is the last thing I want.

I shiver down to my toes. Then I feel it...wet...again...

This man could very well become my undoing. I could live on 4 hours of sleep every night.